No Luv, We're Not In New York

Kevin Murphy

As I was sat in the departure lounge two couples sat next to me with two screaming little girls in tow, I thought 'God I hope they don't sit near me on the plane'. The flight was called, as I showed my ticket and passport the stench of body odour nearly knocked me to the floor. I looked round to see where this odour was originating from to find two sweet looking old ladies smiling at me, I thought 'God I hope they don't sit next to me on the plane.'

You've probably guessed already, I'm sitting on the plane I've got two little girls sitting right behind me screaming at the back of my head and the ladies with the personal hygiene problem are sat right next to me. Why do I get the feeling I'm not going to enjoy this flight? One of the old dears keeps touching me, please make her stop.

We're twenty minutes into the flight and the pilot informs us 'Ladies and Gentlemen, I'm afraid we are going to have to turn back to Heathrow, the cargo door light has come on suggesting the cargo door is open.'

"Is that my rucksack I've just seen going past the window?

So now we're over the Irish Sea emptying the fuel tanks so that we can turn around and land back at Heathrow. The pilot obviously doesn't know what he is doing to my sanity.

There is now no air conditioning and we haven't even been offered a drink, I'm sweating and I'm beginning to wonder if it's me that smells now or is it still the dear old ladies sitting next to me. The pilot has just announced it's going to take another 15 minutes to dump the fuel, 30 minutes to get back to Heathrow and then we're going to have to circle the airport until a space comes up so we can land, then another hour to sort the cargo door and re-fuel again. Now I'm in need of a cigarette.

"God get me off this plane"

Holy sh*t you won't believe this but we have just hit an air pocket and dropped I don't know how far. I've never experienced anything like that before. Everybody let out a big gasp as we fell, I'm sure I saw a couple of people hit their heads on the overhead compartments. I don't believe this, now there has been a massive explosion, this is becoming unbelievable, you couldn't make this up. The pilot has just informed us we have been hit by lightning and that we have nothing to worry about. No word of a lie for the first time in my life I think that I'm going to die.

We eventually land back at Heathrow and the two old dears sitting next to me think we've arrived in New York! Turns out they can't speak or understand English very well. They never understood any of the tannoys, I tried explaining to them what had happened but I was having my own problems.

It's been nearly two hours since we landed and we don't look any closer to taking off, there is no air conditioning and everybody is now starting to get agitated and smelly.

More bad news, around six people have insisted they be let off the plane, that means more delays as they have to go through all the baggage and pull out the one's that aren't going anywhere. The Captain says another 1/2 hour. It's getting really hot in here; people are starting to get really agitated. I'm not making this up but Rita Faircloughs stepdaughter has just walked right past me and said hello, am I hallucinating?

Sweet, one of the little girls has just vomited all over her parents.

Looks as if the flight is going to be cancelled, I'll have to see about sticking a claim in for this. We have sat on the tarmac for god knows how long and gotten absolutely nowhere, things are really getting out of order with some of the passengers, one American couple in particular have risen to the point of hysteria, the female has gone completely cuckoo. I tell her as I head for the toilet she's wasting her time slagging off the stewardesses, as this will achieve nothing. I was wrong about that, by the time I come back out of the toilet they have been bundled off the plane by the police.

That's it then flight has been re-scheduled for tomorrow.

After a disturbing night in a flea pit in Earls Court (Wimbledon is on, there isn't a decent hotel room empty for miles) I arrive back at Heathrow to more pandemonium and delays. It turns out it is the same plane as yesterday and people are refusing to get on it.

Advantage me, as a result the plane is more than half empty and I end up enjoying one of the best cross Atlantic flights I've ever had.

Two weeks into my trip and my mum called me to tell me there's a letter from British airways offering me a return ticket anywhere in the world I want. I tell her to get back in touch with them, make it 1st Class and they've got a deal.