through a Different Door
Anne E Ross
Like it or not life became routine, necessarily, no doubt, but routine certainly. Wake 7.00 - radio alarm - already - press snooze - nine minutes of delicious warmth in half-sleep jarred too soon by that annoying high pitched bleep, bringing routine back into our lives. Button pressed again, stolen time taken to continue our cuddled up, semi-aware comfort, broken again by that persistent bleeping. The need to get up to begin the routine that's already started has now become essential. Not all routine is a mediocre event, certainly not the cuddle up.
Leaving that world of content to get on with the world at large via the shower was the last of our routined life. Waiting till the steam crept from behind the curtain; I stepped into the misty heat and felt the refreshing, life enhancing water-needles on my head and shoulders, warmth cascading on this fragile, routine-driven frame. That was one door slammed shut, firmly, decisively.
The world, weather, time and tide carry on regardless. They move on to the next phase never looking back to see what's left behind, paying no heed to Man or mountain, truly selfish in their mission. Reaping no reward or make any gains, driven forever onward. Not so, life for us. Life is change, development, a taking stock of events, environment, time, weather, the world and its ways.
So did my life as I stood in the shower, time standing still for me. The unconscious taking stock, my mind and body giving in, given up to the world, weather, time, tide and space.
Standing naked with water flowing down my thin weakened body, unable to move, unable to wash, unable to feel; unable to do anything but think, 'Can't go to work today.' These five words rolled around in my head till eventually they were voiced, crying, very quietly at first then gaining in strength enough to be heard over the shower. Clearly spoken but not shouted, as persistent as the bleep of the alarm.... 'Can't go to work today. Can't go to work today. Can't go .........' No big bang, thunder clap, flash of light, stumbling to the floor; no dramatics. Just standing naked and alone in the mist of rising steam and falling drops of warm water. A comfortable enough place, can't see or hear outside the shower curtain, an enclosed space, warm, safe, all the world shut out. I could have stayed there all day.
'Can't go to work today,' oblivious to the inside and outside of me. 'Can't go to work today,' unable to respond to my husband's voice asking why I was so long in the shower. He had to have his shower before going to work. Then he heard the sobbing.
Fortunately we never did get around to getting the lock on the bathroom door fixed. My husband came in when he heard the sobbing and saw my state of distress. He wrapped me in a towel and helped me out the bath. I looked at him wondering why he was there, not knowing I needed any help but repeating 'Can't go to work today,' unable to say anything else, lost in time and space. He guided me into the bedroom, dried me and dressed me in my nightie, all the while, 'Can't go to work today. Can't go to .......,' put me into bed snugly and brought me the tea and toast he'd already prepared.
'You don't have to go to work!' magic words, 'I've phoned in and you don't have to go to work today.' Like balm it soothed. Calmed down, in bed, cup of tea, toast, book to read, plus, ' I don't have to go to work today.' Perfect. Every thing's fine now.
As we are only too aware, there are always consequences to any action. This didn't occur to me at the time of being soothed, everything was fine at that time and nothing else in the world mattered. I was cocooned in my bed with all that's necessary to organize myself especially, 'Don't have to go to work today.' No more tears, just tea and toast with honey, tasted today, not half-chewed on the run while searching for my handbag and keys. I was totally oblivious to the panic and fear in my darling's face and voice.
Sixty minutes of that day, etched in my mind forever, 28 October 2004 changed not only my life but my husband's, Mum and Dad's, my sister's, but friends too, the consequences of that hour are almost incalculable. I certainly had no notion of the after effects of that morning.
It showed me, if I was in any doubt, how good things can come from very difficult situations. One door securely blocked up with, sure enough, another door appearing in front of me that wasn't there before.
I'm still essentially the same me but this day changed the road my life was taking. I've been unable to return to work since that day, four years ago, and at the moment there's still no sign of me being ready for at least another year. I'd been running on empty for too long, work-stressed beyond my limit and something had to be done. My mind and body gave in.
One door firmly closed behind me, bricked up and plastered over. My back against that space, no where else to go but onward, ahead to the future and whatever it brings. Already I've developed new skills and am looking forward to learning more, to be able to live life not just exist.
