The Priest in the Night

Allistair J Burt

One night last year, after a long shop in the supermarket I drove to my flat, where I got my flat mate Gav to give me a hand up the stairs with my purchases. I then stuck a lasagne in the oven and went to park the car.

As I park I meet my mate Duire on Pollokshaws Road. Durie has been at an NHS training class where he and his fellow nurses have been learning self-defence. The class finished at 2pm and they have been drinking since. He is pretty hammered and giggling. I go over to chat to him.

We are having a chat when we hear a call for help. We look round but can't see anyone. The call comes again and this time we spy a head poking over the bonnet of a car. We walk over. There is a large man the size and shape of Robbie Coltrane with birds nest hair. He is sitting on one of those motorised scooter vehicles. He is dressed in full kilt and jacket which is covered in various Scottish and religious pins. He is also a priest.

Turns out, he is having vehicle trouble. The motorised machine keeps conking out. He asks if we can give him a push to get it going. We are rather sceptical of this working but agree. We position ourselves at the back and on the count of three we push but nothing happens apart from the veins in our necks pop out. "Oh wait" calls the priest, "I need to turn it on to get it to move. Lets try again. We're knackered already and Durie keeps looking around and saying we are on TV. I shush him.

We push again and after a few seconds it starts to move. It is so blooming heavy; its like moving a boulder. The cart then starts and he begins to drive off slowly. Thank goodness. "Cheers lads" he calls.

We look at each other with glad thats over expressions. Suddenly CRUNCH. The cart has stopped again. It has only moved about 2m "Oh lads, can you give me another push." So we go over and push again. Again it starts, again he drives off, again it gets 2m, again it breaks down. It does this over and over and each time travels less and less.

We keep asking him questions about the cart. Is there a brake on it, as its hardly moving when we push? Is it out of batteries, has it done this before? He doesn't really listen and seems his focus is quite wandering.

Eventually after 15minutes of pushing we discover that he only bought the cart that day and is driving it home for the first time, and that he stays a good 25minute walk from where we are. We point out we can't push him all that way as its taken us over 20 minutes to get 10m. We suggest a taxi but he says, thats what the subway men tried and no taxi would take him???

We then notice he has a kit-box with all the instructions and suggest we push him into a nearby petrol station and see if they'll charge him up. He agrees and we begin pushing again.

Duire is sniggering away and keeps muttering that its a setup and that the guy is a faker. I point that the only way to find that out is to call him on it and that I don't think either of us has the nerve to accuse a disabled priest of being a liar.

As we near the petrol station I run ahead to check its ok. I go into the shop and say "Excuse me, I've got a slight situation outside. We've got a disabled priest in a kilt on a motorised cart and its broken down, could he come in a charge it up?" The guy does look at me like Im a mental but he agrees to help. He joins us in pushing. The three of us push and eventually get him near the door.

At this point the priest says. "Would it be easier if I got off and walked?"!!! We say yes and so he gets off and holds onto the handle bars as we push. He also turns the ignition key and the cart kicks on and zooms ahead dragging him along. It misses the door and bumps into a wall. He hasn't quite mastered the controls yet and it takes awhile to get in the door, much to the annoyance of the customers trying to get in and out.

Once inside we drive over to the nearest plug socket and he opens the case to get the charging cables. The cable is only about 30cms long. The socket is about 1m up the wall, it doesn't reach. The assistant goes to get an extension cable. But the priest refuses to use it, as the one bit of advice the second-hand cart salesman gave him was Don't use an extension cable.

We hunt the shop for a more accessible socket. Eventually, behind a display of Easter eggs we find one. But to get to it, the cart has to be turned around. The priest begins to attempt a 3point turn in the aisle. I finally lose it as he manages to get it stuck at 90 degrees in the aisle. He also doesn't have full control so he keeps driving full force, into shelves of sweets and Easter eggs, knocking them down. He edges forwards and backwards, forwards and backwards. The pressure cooker of emotion is too much for me and I just can't help but begin to giggle. The effort of trying to keep it in causes tears to run down my face.

I compose myself long enough to make our apologies, hand over responsibility to the shop assistants and leg it.

Laughing Durie and I part at the door and I wander home to find my lasagne burned. Doh.