The Change

Sandra Beveridge

'Av goat really jumpy legs'.

'That's the change hen, are ye getting hoat flushes yet? You'll no ken whits hit ye when it starts for real, by the way'.

Once you hit 45 everything the matter with you is seemingly down to 'the change' according to my oldest sister.

I've always been the type of person to just get on with it. Having been through the loss of my Mum at an early age, a divorce, and the emotionally crippling death of my youngest sister, best friend and confidant. I always heard my Mum's voice in my head telling me to pull my socks up and get on with it, 'you've 2 wee weans to think aboot, come on, gie yersel a shake', the voice would say.

I did give myself a shake, and after my divorce and a long, long year on benefits, I finally started on a new and exciting road back to some sort of normality; working hard and earning good money.

Through the type of environment I ended up working in, I quickly developed a sense of social responsibility. The feeling I could change the world and the people in it. Boy could I talk the talk; in the community for the community, work with the hardest to reach groups in the most deprived areas (I live in one of them incidentally).

I often do door drops in these so called deprived areas with information on how to get off benefits and back into work and wondered why the 'hardest to reach groups' never took up these opportunities. What was wrong with them? Why did they never use the local facilities? Why did they not take part in community activities? After all these things were on their doorstep. I had been on benefits and I worked my way out of the trap, why couldn't they?

I came to the conclusion that they didn't want to work, they were lazy, they wouldn't even keep their gardens tidy or their houses clean. There was plenty of help out there, why didn't they ask for it? As a hard working do-gooder in the community I kind of accepted that thought as a fact and spoke of it often with other workers. 'This is the way it is, and no matter what you say, do or offer they don't want it'. Until 'the change' happened to me.

When you get to a certain age you really need to look after your diet and fitness, so they say. I listened and joined my local healthy eating/fitness club. My life was transformed. From being completely anti-exercise, I was revelling in this new regime. People starting commenting on how well I looked and I felt fantastic. With my social conscience kicking in I started recruiting for this class, telling all how wonderful it was and would they like to come along: no pressure like. The social side of it was great, not a lot of sign of the 'harder to reach groups' there, but hey, they were too lazy weren't they.

Having given the person running the fitness side of the class the information and contacts to get the funding to start this initiative, I felt very much a part of it all and really proud too. Until 'the change' happened to me.

I got home from work with my usual gusto to get changed for my Thursday night class. I had earlier in the week done one of my famous door drops and my knees had been killing me. I had commented on them on the Tuesday and the fitness trainer had sent me home telling me to rest and see how I felt on the Thursday. He came right over as soon as I walked in and asked how I was. I gave him a quick synopsis and said they felt much better.

He said, 'No wonder, look at your crappy trainers, no wonder your knees are sore. You need to get a decent pair like everyone else, I mean come on, they're only £34 a pair, why haven't you bought them yet?'

For a split second I was on the outside of the community looking in the window at those who thought they were better than me, who couldn't quite understand me. In that split second I felt small and insignificant and very much an outsider. Everyone around was looking at my 'crappy trainers'; they were judging me by my lack of finances to buy the same ones they had. I was mortified and felt like running out of the building never to return. Is this how the 'hard to reach' groups feel?

So now I am going through 'the change' or maybe it's 'a change'. Instead of dropping something through the door, I might knock on it the next time and ask how they are. I'm going to start 'walking the walk' as well as 'talking the talk', no matter how sore my knees get with my 'crappy trainers' on.