Hot under the collar

Ronnie Cramond

The day that made a strong impression on me was the day I escaped being court martialled!

During my two years National Service I was a 2nd Lieutenant in a Scottish Regiment. One night there was a formal guest dinner in the Officers Mess, when the Brigadier Commanding Lowland District and various other luminaries were present, including the Commandant of the local Womens Royal Army Corps (WRAC). The junior officers were being instructed in Scottish dancing by the Pope Major, and he had selected four of us as a team to perform demonstration foursomes and sword dances. The Commanding Officer knew this and decided to test our mettle by ordering us, after dinner, to do a demonstration for the entertainment of the guests.

We were a bit apprehensive as was the Pipe Major because we had not had enough practice and would have to concentrate very hard, which would not be helped by the amount of drink we had consumed. However the four of us formed up, the Pipe Major started to play, and off we went.

It was a very warm June night, the ceiling was low and the room was crowded. So we started to get very hot inside our formal, evening dress, Blues uniform, whose tunic fastened right up to the neck. Half way through the sword dance I got so uncomfortably hot with all this hopping over swords that, more or less unconsciously, I unfastened the neck hooks of my tunic to get a bit more air. Seeing this, the Adjutant shouted Cramond, you are improperly dressed. Do up your tunic at once. I resented this intrusion on my concentration and so immediately, and without thinking, yelled back Oh, balls to you. A deathly hush descended on the company, and we finished our performance in silence, apart from the pipe music. The Adjutant then came up to me, his face crimson with rage, and said Report to my office at nine oclock tomorrow morning.

The next morning I duly reported. He said, I assume you realise that you committed a very serious offence last night. You disobeyed my direct order and indeed went further and shouted abuse at me in public and in front of guests. This could be a court martial offence. The Second in Command of the battalion takes a serious view of this and has told me that he will handle further proceedings personally. Report to his office immediately.

I said nothing and simply saluted and left his office heaving a sigh of relief, because the Second in Command was a keen supporter of both the battalion shooting team and rugby team (which I captained) and had watched me perform in both. (I had also noticed the previous night, that he too in common with a couple of other senior officers, had unfastened his neck hooks and had surreptitiously re-fastened them, after the adjutants order to me).

When I entered the Second in Commands office he greeted me by saying Ronnie, you are a bloody young fool. I replied Yes sir, Im very sorry, sir. He then said You disobeyed a direct order from a senior officer and even publicly shouted abuse at him, in front of our guests. That is a very serious offence.

Yes sir, I do realise that and I can only apologise.

Have you anything to say for yourself?

Not really Sir, I was concentrating very hard and it was very hot.

You also used a very rude word in the presence of a lady.

Yes, sir I really am very sorry about that.

Will you accept my punishment instead of further proceedings?

Yes Sir.

You will do three extra orderly officer duties and apologise to the lady. Now get out of my sight and dont be such a bloody young fool again.

Yes Sir. Thank you Sir.

Greatly relieved, I went straight to the office of the WRAC commandant, knocked on the door, entered and saluted.

Hello Ronnie, what do you want?

Ive come to apologise to you maam.

What the hell for?

For using a rude word in your presence last night maam.

Is that all? Ive been in the army a long time, and Ive hard a damn sight worse than that. Now go away and stop being idiotic and wasting my time.

Smart salute, about turn, rapid exit to find my sergeant to continue my duties.

He greeted me with a rather worried face, said that hed heard Id been in trouble in the Mess and asked how I got on with the Adjutant. I asked him how he had heard and he said Come on Sir, by breakfast time the whole camp knew what happened. One of the officers mess waiters was present in the room. Saw and heard it all and had spread it around. Whats going to happen to you court martial?

No. Three extra orderly officer duties and Ive apologised to the WRAC captain.

His jaw dropped. How did you get away with that? I just shrugged my shoulders and said Lets go and train some recruits. So we did, but a number of other sergeants came up to me quietly over the next few days, grinning and saying things like Congratulations, Sir. When I next get into trouble can I ask for your advice on getting out of it?