I'm not so daft after all

Anonymous

Sometimes we don't know where to begin when we are talking about ourselves and our experiences. Sometimes we try to be clever and try to make ourselves sound a wee bit more interesting to other people, but I don't think I will try to be clever and just tell my story how it is or should I say, was.

I was one of a large family, a twin and was brought up in a large council scheme in Glasgow. When I was a kid I didn't know that I was any different from other kids so I didn't understand why my mother didn't like me. All I knew was that my mother didn't hug me the way my pals mums hugged them. Whenever I fell and skint my knees I didn't go to my mother for a cuddle. She either wouldn't or couldn't comfort me so I just didn't bother.

My mother was a cruel woman. Always fast to give us kids a slap and often a severe beating. Those beatings left their marks on me and my sisters even to this day.

When I was sixteen my mother attended my career interview at school with me. In those days we didn't get a lot of choices. When the careers officer said that there were vacancies for trainee cooks in the School Meals Service my mother said "Well that will do her". So I went to train as a Cook in one of the local schools.

At eighteen I got married and had two children to a man whom I thought I loved. This didn't last very long as he was violent and I decided that I wanted better for myself and my children, so after another beating I changed the locks on the door.

Life as a single parent was good and I loved my children. I cared for them as best I could. I worked in various dead end jobs. But I yearned for something better.

My mother had always said that I was daft, that I wouldn't amount to much and now that I was divorced with she often said that no decent man would "take me on". Another put down.

Despite my insecurities I yearned to go back to school and get some certificates and try to get a better job. So I enrolled at the local school, worked hard and passed my exams.

I went to college and gained more certificates. I didn't feel so daft now. I felt I was achieving something. I then gained a place at university.

It was difficult studying at this level, working part time and looking after my children. I don't think I could have done all of this if it wasn't for the help of my older sister. Most of the time I was exhausted, but I got there and here is the point of this story. My mother continued to put me down, she said to me once "and what exactly do you think you are doing, do you think you are better than the rest of us?"

I knew I was better than what my mother thought of me, but I still looked for her love and approval.

In my second year at university I had to resit one of my exams. My mother was with me when we looked at the board for my results. Naturally I was disappointed with having to resit. My mother's response was to say to me "never mind you still have your wee job in the shop". Again I was angry at her reaction. This was not what I wanted to hear from her. Did she not understand that this was a huge challenge for me? Could she not encourage me the way that she encouraged my cousins who had gone to university? Could she not just for once be proud of me and encourage me? Lots of questions went around in my head.

Anyway, I went back during the summer break and re-sat my exam and went on to complete my degree.

However, when I invited my mother to my Graduation ceremony I was met with disappointment. She declined to come to the ceremony.

Years passed and I work in social care. I have always found my work rewarding. I have often found that my personal experiences along with my education have enhanced how I work with people. But, and here's the point of it all. I have still always looked for my mother's love and approval but never got it.

The day I got recognition from my mother was on her birthday this year.

My mother has Senile Dementia and lives in a nursing home. On her birthday we agreed that we would all meet at my youngest sister's house and my mother would be there and this is where I had a day to remember.

I am learning to drive. I have a car and my partner encourages me to go out with him to practice my driving.

On my mother's birthday I drove up to my sister's house in my car. Everyone was there when we arrived.

During the afternoon my daughter Julia was talking to my mother and told her that I was taking driving lessons... and wait for it... Guess what my mother said to Julia..."doesn't she drive already, she was always the clever one"!

Well, when Julia told me this I was so angry I couldn't look at my mother. I had to wait until she was senile for her to acknowledge me. But do you know something? I don't really need her approval any more. I think I always knew that I was clever.

I know that it has been her loss that she didn't love me. I can live without it. I have a lovely relationship with my partner and lots of lovely people that love and care for me. That means more than anything to me. I am blessed.