More Days Like This

Edward McFee

Days like this... an interesting little idea inviting people to write about a special day in their lives. A day that stands out from all the others and one that they'd like to share with the rest of the world.

At first I was planning to tell the tale about when I was trapped inside a burning skyscraper and had to climb down lift-shafts at the same time as hanging from cables attached to helicopters.., but it turns out that I'd just fell asleep in ma armchair whilst watching 'The Towering Inferno' on the telly and it was only a strange dream that I was having.

So instead I've decided to tell of the time that I became very, very rich when an insurance claim that I'd waited years to settle finally arrived in the shape of a nice big juicy cheque.

I'd seen the postman walking up the front path and my natural instinct for greed told me that today was going to be rather special. I carefully opened the envelope and inside discovered a lovely little bit of paper worth £5,000 with my name written on it. I'm loaded, I'm a millionaire. I can now afford to go to the supermarket and stock up on all the "luxury" items like lobster, steak, Pot Noodle's and Mars bars. It's amazing, ma heid was spinning. Just looking at all those numbers lined up made me realise that the last time I'd seen as many zero's as that was when they were standing in front of me signing on at the Broo. Five thousand. I never dreamt that I would ever get as much cash as that in ma whole life. I'm actually hyper-ventilating just thinking about it. After a billion generations of unemployed losers I'm the first real success in ma entire family history. Years from now wee McFee's of the future will be sitting around camp fires telling the tale to their smelly wee kids all about their ancestor who got to the top of the dung pile and became a legend. They'll build statues of my image and sing songs about me. Who knows I might even get worshipped in some skanky wee shrine at the bottom of their garden.

I made up my mind that afternoon to write out a list of what to get now that I'm rich. That way I can plan ahead and decide just what I'm going to do with all ma mountains of cash. First off, I think that I deserve a little holiday - but I can't choose between either a round-the-world cruise in a luxury ocean liner - or a miserable wet weekend in Saltcoats sitting in some dirty wee caravan with a leaky roof trying to catch raindrops in a bucket.

Then I'll get a gigantic satellite dish fitted so that I can have hundreds of TV channels all showing the same rubbish that I'll never have time to watch even if I wanted to. Next off will be a huge swimming pool where I can float about in one of those sunbed lounging things aw day. Enjoying ma life of luxury eating loads of caviar while some silicone-enhanced dolly bird, who now finds me irresistible because I've got tons of money, drops grapes into ma mouth as I gracefully drift past. Finally, I'll buy myself a private tropical island that I'll get hollowed out so that I can put a secret submarine rocket base in the middle. I'll also have one of those wee mad swivvely chairs that spin round and I can sit there stroking a big furry white cat while saying "Good evening Mr. Bond, I've been expecting you".

You know I could quickly get used to this millionaire lifestyle. Perhaps I should make a career out of stupidly falling down holes in the street, cos if I had a few more days like this I'd be a very happy chappie indeed.