Choke Violently On Your Dentures

Jeff Zycinski

There I was in a borrowed, brass-buttoned blazer, listening to the Lord Provosts words of welcome and waiting for my turn to speak. I wanted everyone to laugh at me. Or with me. I wasnt fussy. Id take any laughs that were going. Just a giggle or a snigger. Oh come on, would it hurt any of you to crack a smile? My speech, after all, was meant to be funny, but that night in Glasgow City Chambers everything began to feel far too serious. Perhaps it was the dark mahogany of the Victorian debating chamber, or the rain lashing against the stained glass windows, but the demon of self-doubt was sitting on my shoulder and he was rasping in my ear.

This is a huge mistake, Jeff. You should have played it straight. Thats what everyone else has done. Thats what the judges are expecting. The audience is going to boo you off that lectern. Audience? No, its more like a lynch mob. Look at that guy in the front row. Never mind that hes your Dad hes ex-navy. I bet he could handle a rope. ... (continues)