A Walk in the Dark

John Gallagher

Have you ever lay submerged under the hot, relaxing bathwater. You hear a noise and your mind flashes up an image of a stranger standing next to the bath. A curious fear makes you surface wiping eyes of soap and water to catch a glimpse of the phantom. You feel foolish when no one is there. God, if people knew what I was really like.

I was caught in the grip of another one of my obsessions, weight loss. It started in the autumn at work. I was bending my way under a bench and felt like an old man when I had to straiten up again. I couldnt keep my overalls fastened, as my huge gut kept forcing the fasteners apart every time I moved. I was approaching 40, weighed over 17 stones and single. Despair launched me on a course of vigorous action.

It was the night-time eating I enjoyed the most and, apart from my job, I took no exercise at all. So I stopped calling at the local kebab shop after my late shift and I went walking a minimum of 3 times per week. The weight started falling off me. I went for my walks in Chatelherault country park. It was Lord Hamiltons old hunting lodge. A remote woodland scarred with a deep ancient gorge made by the river Clyde. The estate has many walks, but my favourite was the one that encircled the gorge and the river. It takes about an hour and a half to complete at a brisk pace through woodland, forest and steep hills.

As the weeks went by, I grew slimmer, stronger and more confident; the endorphin kick from my exercising wasnt too bad either. Im six feet tall with a large frame and not meant to be too thin. When I reached 16 stones I noticed the women at the supermarket were checking me out. I hadnt had any interest from women for some time and it gave my self-image a well needed boost.

Autumn changed to winter. As the dark nights came closing in, night-time was stealing daylight towards the end of my walk. I didnt like walking in the dark, but knowing it wouldnt be long before I got to the safety of my car, I was able to thole it. Obsession is a strange thing, it blinds you to encroaching danger as long as you are getting your fix. And then it happened.

I arrived in Chatelherault car park amidst piercing darkness, no one else crazy enough to be around. I got out of my car and stepped into fog laden ground. Any moon-light was shielded by an overcast sky. I didnt like it. I thought of turning away and taking an easier walk closer to town, but I wanted to do this one. I liked the way my body was shaping up and I needed that feeling of achievement that comes from pushing your limits.

Im a man for God sake. Theres really nothing to be afraid of, except for a lifetime of watching horror films and episodes of Doctor Who. But on I went. The winding path taking me deeper into the woods and further from my car. Panic and obsession waged war in my mind. Run back to the car, you can still make it! Keep going, you need to do this! There were creatures stalking me behind those trees. Horrible things my imagination projected just beyond awareness of my senses. But on I went.

I was so far in now that turning back was just as terrifying as moving on. The consequences of either option was unbearable to think of. I knew if I started to run the fear would really take hold of me. So I never ran, I just kept walking; my mind telling me that in this part of the world, in this day and age, there were no wild animals that could threaten me, and there wouldnt be anyone up to no good in these woods on a night like this. If anything it would be me that would appear threatening to anything else. That thought consoled me and the panic subsided, but the fear never left. It kept my senses sharpened to the darkness.

I reached a clearing in the woods. It was still dark, but contrasted to the deep woods it was brighter and comforting. Immediately the volume control on my fears was turned down and the volume turned up on the feeling of wellbeing and security. As I moved out of the clearing and back into the deep woods, my security waned and the fear intensified again. But this wasnt a new sensation any more. It still took courage to move forward, but the panic was gone.

I was able to function while experiencing the fear, and I had an intuitive thought: through millions of years of evolution, man had developed instincts to protect him from danger, and fear of the dark was one of them. It kept us safe from predators and each other. And I realised that fear of the dark was not a weakness of character; it was an instinct to protect me from danger and helped bring me into existence through millions of years of natural selection.

My journey continued through the woods. Each time I entered a clearing I felt elated and every time I moved back into the blackness my fears intensified. There was no doubting it now, it was my instincts that were controlling my emotional state and they couldnt be switched off. It was as though two people were talking to me at the same time. One half of my mind telling me this wasnt a good idea and keeping me alert. The other half, motivated to complete the walk, encouraged me with positive self-talk: your alright buddy, keep going, you can do this. Theres nothing really to be afraid of.

Sitting in the safety of my car, headlights on, I was safe and protected. I felt an inner piece of mind that comes from just completing a right of passage. By embracing fear I was able to transcend fear. I had risen above my human conditioning to achieve a goal. I had overcome my fear of the dark by accepting I will always be afraid of the dark.

The next time I went I took a flashlight. I might be crazy!