Ouch Podcast 10:  Christmas 2006 Transcript

http://www.bbc.co.uk/ouch/

Presented by Mat Fraser and Liz Carr

[Music]

(Cheering and applause)

LIZ:	Wah-hey!

MAT:	Hurray!

LIZ:		Woo-hoo!

MAT:		(Laughs)

LIZ:		(Laughs)

MAT:		Oh, my gosh.  Hi everyone.

LIZ:		I’m overwhelmed.  Good evening.  Hello.

MAT:		And Merry Christmas!

LIZ:		Yes.  We have a real live audience here, Podcast listeners at home, so yeah, it’s not just us trying to big up our parts here.  They are real.

MAT:		No.  Perhaps we should give them an audio description.

LIZ:		Yes, let’s.

MAT:		Okay.  Let’s practice our audio description skills.  Well, we’re in a large BBC room with about, what, 25, 30…

LIZ:		Probably.  There were due to be a few more, but a few walking wounded pulled out on the day.  You know what they’re like. 

MAT:		Yeah.

LIZ:		A bit fair weather, cripples, aren’t they?

MAT:		Yeah, well it’s tough, isn’t it?

LIZ:		You get a few of them.

MAT:		A couple of wet leaves.

LIZ:		“Oh, I’m sorry I’m not feeling very well today”.  Hmmm.

MAT:		But I suppose, ladies and gentlemen, listeners, what we’ve got is about 25 fire risks here.

LIZ:		Pretty much.

MAT:		Yes, and they look lovely.

LIZ:	They do. 

MAT:	An assorted raggle taggle bunch of various horrific impairments are facing us, ladies and gentlemen.

LIZ:	Yeah.

MAT:	And it makes me feel proud.

LIZ:	It does, it does.  It’s just Vegetable, Vegetable or Vegetable before our very eyes, isn’t it?

MAT:	I know.

LIZ:	It is.

MAT:	Like all the winners at once.

LIZ:	It is.  Exactly.  But it’s okay.  We are absolutely safe if you’re worried about that.  We’ve had our health and safety demonstration done by a blind man, which was quite interesting.  

(Laughter)

LIZ:		“On the door to the left, is the exit.”  Nobody told him that was the disabled loo anyway.  Bless him.  That’s the producer out of the studio for the rest of the show.  Bless him.

MAT:		As usual, obviously, we’ve got our fantastic roving Mr Microphone Albino Boy, Rob Crossan.

(Cheering and applause)

LIZ:		Look at him.  Look, look.

MAT:		Oh, he’s looking good today.

LIZ:		Oh, look at shirt.  It doesn’t exactly fit, does it?  A little bit tight.

ROB:		You’re always slagging off my wardrobe.  Have you seen what’s on your head?

LIZ:		(Laughs) I am actually wearing ‑ what would you describe?  It’s an alternative Christmas hat.

MAT:		I’d call it something between a Deeley Bopper and a Santa hat.

LIZ:		Yeah, yeah.

ROB:	It looks like a little pogo stick.

LIZ:	It’s quite good.

MAT:	It’s like a big spring on top of your head, isn’t it?

LIZ:	It did have flashing lights, but we’ve got an epileptic in the audience, so he said I had to turn the lights out.

MAT:	Oh.

LIZ:	Oh, they’re no fun are they?  Do you know what I mean?

ROB:	If it’s not one thing, it’s another.

LIZ:	We could have had our very own Cripply Piggly in the audience, couldn’t we?

MAT:	Oh, that would have been nice.

ROB:	Where is the Cripply Piggly?  Did we give that away?
LIZ:	We’ve still got him.

ROB:	Oh, good.

LIZ:	We’ve still got the Cripply Piggly.

ROB:	Are you looking after him?

LIZ:	Yeah.  

ROB:	Banging him on the table.

MAT:	I see.  So, you just stole it after the last Podcast?

LIZ:	I think he may be given as a gift later on.

MAT:	Sorry, Liz, is that real fur around your hat?

LIZ:	What, for three quid off a market stall.

(Laughter)

MAT:	You can’t tell, you can’t tell these days, can you?

LIZ:	You can get off your high horse now.

MAT:	This is Stella McCartney, isn’t it?

LIZ:	I think it’s more Primark.  We are on benefits, you know.

MAT:	Which is no better or no worse than any other shop of a similar type.

(Laughter)

LIZ:	Who displays all their stuff on the floor.

(Laughter)

LIZ:	I love going in there.  You can just wheel over everything, can’t you?

MAT:	Who else have we got today, Liz?

LIZ:	We’ve got, of course, of course, the wonderful in presence himself, we’ve got Laurence Clark with us this evening.

MAT:	Oh, superb!

(Cheering and applause)

MAT:	What’s he going to be doing?

LIZ:	Oh, do you know what?

MAT:	Doing some of his comedy or what’s he doing?

LIZ:	Oh, I don’t know.  Thankfully not.  He’s going to be our choir boy today.

MAT:	Oh, my God.  That’s so sweet.

LIZ:	That’s going to be special.

MAT:	Oh, that’s about as special as special can be.

(Laughter)
MAT:	Laurence, there you are.  Hi.

LIZ:	Hello.

MAT:	How are you?

LAURENCE:  Fine.

MAT:	Fine, he said.

LAURENCE:  Away from mic.

LIZ:	He’s waving. 

MAT:	He’s away from the mic.

LIZ:	We’ll hear you.  It’s fine.  It’s great, because that really is his accent, isn’t it?

MAT:	Yeah.

LIZ:	He doesn’t just put it on for work purposes, you know.

(Laughter)

LIZ:	It’s great, it’s good.  And there’s a man on your right.

MAT:	Oh, yes.  We’ve got a very, very special feature for the Christmas Podcast, listeners.  We have ‑ are you ready for this, on the piano, our very own blind pianist, Mr David Halliwell.

(Cheering and applause)

DAVID:	I’ve just finished tuning it.  Hang on, give me a minute.

MAT:		Oh!

LIZ:		Oh!  Everyone’s a comedian.

MAT:		Go on, give us a little flourish.

DAVID:	(Plays piano shakily) I’m disabled, you know.

(Laughter)

MAT:		The Les Dawson of disability, ladies and gentlemen.

ROB:		A bit melancholy.  Lowered the tone, hasn’t he?

LIZ:		Rob, are you wondering what your challenge is this week?

ROB:		Not especially.

MAT:		(Laughs)

LIZ:		We do have a little something.  We’d like you to ‑ you are going to pretty much be with us, but we’ve got a little something we’d like you to take away for the next five minutes.  Go elsewhere.  You’re going to have assistance and then you’re coming back and surprise us.  Okay?

MAT:		We’re giving you your very own access worker for this little task, okay.

LIZ:		Hmmm hmm.

ROB:		Does that mean I have to leave now?
LIZ:		It means you have to go.

ROB:		Can I not loiter with the car, then?

LIZ:		You have to.  No, you go.

MAT:		You have to go and you’ll be back in a minute.

LIZ:		You know the sparkling wine is luring you, but go away.

MAT:		By the way, cheers Liz.

LIZ:		Cheers.

(Glasses chink)

MAT:		(Glugs noisily and burps) Merry Christmas.  Superb!

(Laughter)

LIZ:		Real Pomagne.  Oh, yes.  I don’t know - a room full of fire hazards and alcohol.  Is that responsible, Damon?  I don’t know.

MAT:		Someone light a cigar and let’s see.

LIZ:		(Laughs)

ROB:		Can I just butt in and mention, for the fire hazard, the door’s now locked.  You can’t actually get out.

(Laughter)
	
MAT:		What?  The door’s locked?  They’ve locked us in?

LIZ:		They’ve actually locked us in.

(Laughter)

ROB:		The door is locked.

MAT:		We are locked in (screams).  Let us out of here!

ROB:		It’ll actually do wonders for burn and perish.

LIZ:		This is it.

MAT:		Hold on.  Has anyone noticed that the air conditioning’s stopped?

(Laughter)
	
MAT:		What’s that gas?

(Laughter)
	
LIZ:		Isn’t it enough they give us Beyond Boundaries?

MAT:		Can you imagine…

LIZ:		Now, they have to kill the rest of us.

MAT:		That would make a great headline, that, wouldn’t it?

LIZ:		What do you mean?

MAT:		45 disabled people gassed to death in BBC room.

(Laughter)

MAT:		So, Liz?

LIZ:		Yeah.

MAT:		What have you been up to in the prelude, the run up to Christmas?

LIZ:		Not much, have I?  I haven’t really done that much.  Bit of acting, a bit of stuff like that.  I’ve realised I’ve got a bit of a fear.

MAT:		Hmmm hmm.

LIZ:		I’ve discovered, this week, I have quite a fear.

MAT:		Yes.  Of?

LIZ:		Puddles.

MAT:		Puddlephobia?

LIZ:		Yeah.

MAT:		Oh!

LIZ:		Yeah, honest to God.

MAT:		Why are you scared of them?

LIZ:		Okay, you’re wheeling along, right.  You’re wheeling along and…
MAT:		Yes.

LIZ:		…there’s this big sea of water called a puddle normally.  Yeah?

MAT:		Hmmm.

LIZ:		Okay.  And I get close to it and I get this fear and think, “I can’t actually see the bottom of that puddle.  I might wheel into it and suddenly…

MAT:		Sink.

LIZ:		…sink, feet”.  And it terrifies me.

MAT:		Wow.  

LIZ:		So, I’ve started to have to go round puddles.  So, I’m a little bit worried.

MAT:		That’s a little bit weird, though, because don’t you know that the puddle is only, what, half an inch deep or something?

LIZ:		No, you don’t know, because you can’t see into it.  It’s dark.

MAT:		Yeah, but that’s like saying, “Just because I can see Laurence over there doesn’t mean he exists”.

LIZ:		(Laughs)

MAT:		Is that existentialism or something?  I’ve never known about stuff like that.

LIZ:		It’s getting a bit deep, isn’t it?  But no, it’s just one of those things.  And I realised it when I was going out Christmas shopping.  I’ve been doing a lot of Christmas shopping.  Pretty much ready.  I might have a little treat for you later in the show maybe.

MAT:		Oh, have you?  I’ve got a little something for you too.

LIZ:		You’ve got something for me?

MAT:		Yeah.

LIZ:		Eeh.  Good, good, good.

MAT:		Listen, while Rob’s not here, I forgot to get Rob a present.

LIZ:		That’s fine.

MAT:		What can we get?  What’s in the room?  Has anybody got anything I can give him?  Have any of the audience got anything?

LIZ:		There’s some mince pies over there.

MAT:		Bear in mind the man is a journalist for Front magazine.  A bra will probably do.  This is a big one.

LIZ:		A woman at the front said she’s got a Scotch egg.

MAT:		Oh.  Would you mind donating the Scotch egg?  Oh, thank you.  Okay.

LIZ:		Oh, that’s great.  What’s that?  Blank cards as well.

MAT:		Quick, quick, let’s write him a card as well.

LIZ:		Shall we write him a card?  Everyone sign it.
(Laughter)

MAT:		What’s that?  Hold on, that looks like a muesli bar of some sort.

LIZ:		People are giving.  Let’s gather it all in.

MAT:		Fast.

LIZ:		We’ve got  muesli bar.

MAT:		It’s like a harvest please.

LIZ:		A Scotch egg.

MAT:		Hold on, is he there?  Oh, no.

LIZ:		No, he’s not.  Keep him out the room while we gather his presents.

MAT:		By the way, I’d just like to ask, are there any people ‑ sorry, Rowena?  Sorry, I know.  Muesli bar.   Thanks.  The non-brand muesli bar.  Rowena, by the way…

(Splintering sound)

MAT:		Oh, our first accident.

LIZ:		Oh, you see.

MAT:		Oh, we’ve had our first breakage.  What disability?  What impairment was responsible for that particular breakage?

AUDIENCE:	Partial sight.
(Cheering)

MAT:		Partial sight one, rest of the world nil.

LIZ:		Of course.

MAT:		Where were we?

LIZ:		Rowena.

MAT:		Our very lovely facilitator.  She’s been one of the unsung heroes of the Podcast team, it has to be said.  Just to audio describe you, she looks like one of those backpackers that get murdered on the 10 o’clock News.

(Laughter)

MAT:		I’ve not really done anything else, except I actually got a bit ‑ this is probably one for the wheelchair users more.  I’ve got a bit of a pressure sore just on the top of the crack of my arse.  Can I talk about this?  Oh, man’s put his hand in his ‑ head in his hands already.  Okay.  Do you know where the coccyx is?  It’s the tailbone, yeah?  It’s where, if we were still primates with tails, that’s where it would be.  It’s at the top of the buttocks, if you like, the bottom of the back.  It’s where all of that meets in a little bit of the crack.

(Laughter)

MAT:		I’ve got a little bit of a pressure sore there.  I don’t know how it’s happened, but for a short-armed gentleman, I can tell you it’s not so easy to wipe and Germolene after the bath.  Shall I move on?  Yes, I’m going to move on actually.

(Jingle: “The Ouch Podcast!”)
MAT:		Before we move on to the emails, I want to ask anybody in the audience, do we have anybody here with a terminal disease?  No?  Oh, that’s a shame.

(Laughter)

MAT:		Right, I was going to try and introduce a new feature, Dying Wish.

(Laughter)

MAT:		Okay, that’s another one that’s going to get pulled.  So, shall we do the emails?  We’ve got lots of emails as usual from, you know, lots of people.  Now, there was a time, wasn’t there, when this was all fresh and exciting, where we got nothing but, “Oh, wow.  This is amazing.  Do more” emails, didn’t we?  

LIZ:		That’s right.

MAT:		And now we’re getting, like, critiques and stuff, aren’t we, as well?

LIZ:		Of course.

MAT:		It’s only natural.

LIZ:		That’s fine.

MAT:		More layered comments.  Do you want to read the first one or shall I?

LIZ:		No, because you like to do your stupid accents, don’t you?

MAT:		I do like to do my Melbourne accent, yes.  (Melbourne accent) “Ahoy there, Mat and Liz number nine was great Podcast, I reckon maybe your best yet.  Maybe I’m being biased, because you had Adam Hills on and he’s an Australian, but everything I think is” ‑ oh, I’m sorry.  I’ve just been told to drop the accent by the director, there.  “But someone wrote a song about him and performed it on the show whilst Adam laid sexily on top of the piano.  It contained such fine lyrics as, ‘At night, I dream of your quirky intelligent face.  I wistfully wish for you on a monopedal embrace’” which is a very good couplet, I’ll agree.  “We love him.  We’re glad you get him for half the year too.  Spread the love.  Okay.  Yours most sincerely, Alana in Melbourne.”  Well I’m glad you don’t mind sharing the talent that is Mr Adam Hills, Alana of Melbourne.

LIZ:		He was wonderful, a wonderful man.  From Jane Mitchell, Thetford in Norfolk, “Hi, Mat and Liz.  On the December Podcast you both talked about playground taunts.  I remember clearly being called Joey, Spacker, Spazmo, Mong and all sorts of other stuff, and hating it.  My mate, Angela, was Chinese and variously got called Chinky or Paki.  You mentioned that kids are now calling each other Downy Baby after the EastEnders baby.  I thought you’d like to know that none of this has reached my son’s school, where the current favourite schoolyard taunt is, ‘You Farepak victim’”.

(Laughter)
	
MAT:		What? 

LIZ:		“Happy Christmas, Jane.”

MAT:		Hold on.  Wow!

LIZ:		I tell you, John Craven’s Newsround has gone up in the world, hasn’t it?  If playground, they know about that kind of thing.

MAT:		Hold on, we’ve got one from Lisa in Durham, but you’re better to do the accent for that one.  You’re from up there, aren’t you?
LIZ:		No.

(Laughter)
 
MAT:		Well, I did see Billy Elliot on Monday, so maybe I can do it.

LIZ:		Just because I’m northern, do you know what I mean.

MAT:		(Geordie accent) Why aye, man.  Okay, I won’t bother.  “Hi, Mat and Liz.  I’m a media studies student…

(Laughter)
 
MAT:		Listeners, let me describe the scene.  Mr Santa Claus has just come in.

ROB:		I’m Britain’s skinniest Santa Claus.

(Laughter)

MAT:		Have you got your microphone, Rob.

LIZ:		Go on, get your mic, get your mic.

MAT:		Is it hidden in your beard?

LIZ:		It’s over there by the chicken drumsticks.

ROB:		Yes, hello, yes.  It’s Britain’s skinniest Santa.  Ho, ho, bloody ho.

MAT:		You look fantastic.

ROB:		You thought I couldn’t see much before, I can’t tell you how much I can see now.

MAT:		Listeners, just so you know…

ROB:		It’s like a Burqa.

(Laughter)

ROB:		A festive Burqa.

LIZ:		And yet they let you near children.  How bizarre.

MAT:		It’s true, ladies and gentlemen, who are listening.

ROB:		Not for another nine months, but maybe…

MAT:		Your suit is what we might call only about three sizes too big for him, but that’s okay. 

ROB:		That’s conservative.

MAT:		Have you got the card, Liz?  Have you got the card?

LIZ:		Have I go that?  Oh, yes.

MAT:		Shall we do it now?

LIZ:		Oh, I don’t ‑ where did I put it?

MAT:		Where is it?  I gave it to you.

LIZ:		You’ve got it.  Don’t blame me.

DAMON:	Rob, we’ve got a present and a card for you.

LIZ:		We’ve got presents for you.

ROB:		Oh, thank you.

MAT:		We’re giving Rob ‑ look, the present’s there.  I couldn’t wrap it because of my small arms.

LIZ:		Yeah.

(Laughter)
	
ROB:		Oh, pathetic.  You just don’t love me enough.

MAT:		I do.

LIZ:		Look at those.

MAT:		And here’s a card.  Look, we think you look a bit undernourished, so we’ve brought you some wholesome food, because we know that all you eat is kebabs in the Front office.

ROB:		God, it’s almost like you care too much.

MAT:		I know.  We’ve given you two Scotch eggs and a muesli bar.

ROB:		You’ve eaten two of the four mini eggs.

(Laughter)
 ROB:		You’ve eaten half of them.

LIZ:		We know.

MAT:		Oh, is that how they came?

ROB:		Yes.

LIZ:		Right.

MAT:		We’d better go back to the emails, sorry.  Do you want to do the ‑ oh, I’ll do it.  Do you want to do it?

LIZ:		Just do it!

MAT:		Okay, (Oxbridge accent) “I’m a media studies student at City University and came across the Podcast last week.  I’m doing a project on disabilities and how they are portrayed on television.  Please can you send me all the information you have on this subject?”

(Laughter)

MAT:		“Also, I have a questionnaire I’d like you to fill in.”

(Laughter)

MAT:		Now, I tell you now, I get at least two of those emails a week from people.  “Can you do all my research for my third year dissertation tomorrow, please?  Thank you.”  

LIZ:		I wish we had the questionnaire.  I’m really disappointed.  From Bill in Torbay, “Dear Mat and Liz, I enjoy the Podcast.  I was just wondering if you see yourselves as the natural successors to Does He Take Sugar?”  Oooh!  Bill!

MAT:		That’s quite an accolade, that.  You know, we could never fill those shoes.  Very nice of you to say that, Bill from Torbay.

LIZ:		Even to suggest it.

MAT:		Hmmm.

LIZ:		I shouldn’t think so.

(Jingle: “The Ouch Podcast!”)

MAT:		Now, look.  We’ve got our roving Santa here with his lovely phallic-looking microphone in his hand.  Oh, left hand for a change.  And so what we’d like you to do, we’ve got a floor full, we’ve got a floor filler here of fantastic fire-risky people.

ROB:		Okay.

MAT:		All of various different shapes, noises, sounds and smells.  Could you go amongst them?  We’d like some questions from the floor.  Now, obviously, as a short-armed individual, I’m not just going to ask you to put your hand up, but if you can do that and you want to be noticed, put your hand up or buzz or something, or make yourself known in same way.

LIZ:		Make some inappropriate gurgling noise, whatever it is you do.

ROB:		Just drool really loudly.  We’ve got one.  Okay.

FLASH:	Hiya.
ROB:		Sorry, what’s your name by the way?

FLASH:	Hello, Flash.

LIZ:		Oh.

ROB:		What’s your question for Mat and Liz?

FLASH:	It’s a question for Liz.  I wanted to ask, with Mat’s Christmas present, are you going to use lots of extra Sellotape just for a giggle?

LIZ:		(Laughs) Just wait ‘til you see what it is.  I’m so excited, very excited.  I did think about that.  I actually ‑ I did, it’s funny.  I wrapped it in easy to unwrap paper.

MAT:		Oh, thank you.

LIZ:		I know.  I like to patronise him a lot, you know.

(Laughter)

MAT:		Yeah.

ROB:		That is loveably condescending of you.

LIZ:		I know.  Wait till you see your present, Rob.

ROB:		Is it better than the two Scotch eggs?

LIZ:		Pretty much, yeah.

MAT:		How could it be?
ROB:		I’ve just eaten one of them.  It was a bit off.  Has anyone got another question?  Stick your hand up, drool.  Ah!  Okay.

MAT:		Oh.

LIZ:		Oh, oh, oh.

MAT:		Hello.

LIZ:		He’s going over.  Third row.  Hmmm.

ROB:		Okay, what’s your name little boy?

LIAM:		The name’s Liam.

ROB:		Liam.  And what question do you have for Mat and Liz?

LIAM:		Basically, there have always been, sort of, anti-Christmas people.  If you’re disabled, are you more likely to be a bah humbug merchant?

LIZ:		Oooh.

MAT:		Oooh.  I don’t know.

LIZ:		Oh, I think ‑ well, having worked with Mat, yes.

MAT:		Well yes, but hold on a sec.  I’m not bah humbug.  Yes, I do bang on about the fact that the Christians usurped Saturnalia, the pagan festival of the 21st, the winter solstice and that that is a fact you cannot deny. 

LIZ:		People are leaving now, Mat.  They’re running out of the room.

MAT:		I’m not.  Each to their own.  If they want to celebrate the Bethlehem stuff and all of that, good ruddy luck to you.  That’s what I say.  But the not Christmasness is nothing to do with my impairment, Mr, sir, thank you very much.  And I find that rather insulting.

(Laughter)

LIZ:		This isn’t Points of View.

(Laughter)

LIAM:		Being the BBC, what do we pay our licence fee for?

MAT:		Liz, can you ask…

LIAM:		Not for Christmas, that’s for sure, yeah.

LIZ:		No, I don’t think that we’re any more or less likely, you know, maybe just because we live in poverty and we’re miserable because we’re in pain and in agony, as is all of our lot.  What do you think?  You know, but apart from that, I think it’s fine.  I think we’re quite happy.  I think the good thing about Christmas is we get our Christmas bonus, so it makes it all worthwhile.

(Laughter)

LIZ:		Getting that tenner makes me proud to be a cripple, to be honest.  And, of course, you get things happen to you at Christmas.  I remember it hasn’t happened to me a for while, but when I was growing up and I was at school and I was out with my mates, and we went late night shopping, and I was in a certain store, and they grabbed us and said, “Would you like to come back?  We’ve got mince pies and wine for people like you”.  

(Laughter)
 
LIZ:		And it was actually that they were taking disabled people who were just shopping there back, you know, into the back of the shop where they had a table laid out with some nibbles.  In fact, actually it was very much like today in the BBC studio.

(Laughter)

ROB:		Did they mash all the mince pies up into an easy-to-swallow, sort of, goo for you, as a puree?

(Laughter)
  
LIZ:		And then fed it to me.

ROB:		Yeah, spoon fed.  Okay, come on then.

MAT:		Oh, you’ve got somebody behind you.

ROB:		Have I?

MAT:		Right behind you.

LIZ:		He’s behind you!

ROB:		He genuinely is a little boy.  What’s your name?

LIZ:		Be gentle.

CONOR:	Conor.

ROB:		What’s your question for Mat and Liz?

MAT:		Come on, Conor.

CONOR:	How do you put the fairy on top of your Christmas tree?

LIZ:		(Laughs)

MAT:		Now, it’s funny you should say that.  I actually do have a technique for this, because obviously I couldn’t reach.  Even though we were poor and couldn’t afford the tallest of Christmas trees…

AUDIENCE:	Oh.

(Laughter)

MAT:		Thank you for responding there, audience.  And even though my arms are horrifically short. 

AUDIENCE:	Oh.

MAT:		Oh, that’s better.  What I used to do, I used to get the Christmas tree before my stepfather had erected it.  I used to get it lying on the ground and I used to get the fairy, and I used to stick it on the top of the tree before we put it up.

LIZ:		Ooh.

MAT:		Simple, see.

LIZ:		Didn’t it fall off while you were putting the baubles on?

MAT:		No, because I rammed it on really hard. 
(Laughter)

LIZ:		Okay, okay.

MAT:		How do you put your fairy on the top of your tree, Liz?

LIZ:		Oh, look at you when you’re out of tune tonight.  Just because we’ve got an audience.  I get the PA to do it.  Ner!  What do you think?

MAT:		I don’t know, but Conor, what about you?  How do you do it?

CONOR:	I don’t.

MAT:		You don’t?

LIZ:		Oh.

MAT:		Do you celebrate Christmas?

CONOR:	Yeah.

MAT:		Where are you from?

CONOR:	From south Cumbria.

MAT:		Oh.

LIZ:		Oh, a long way.

MAT:		Do they have Christmas up there?

CONOR:	(Laughs) Yeah. 
LIZ:		They actually get it three months later than we do down here.  It’s the time delay.

MAT:		We’re only ribbing you because we’re soft southerners.  Well, I am anyway.  So, do you not celebrate Christmas in your house then?

CONOR:	Yeah, we do.

LIZ:		What about a pulley system?  Have you not thought about some kind that, you know, winch her up kind of thing?  Do you know what I mean?

CONOR:	Yeah.

LIZ:		That would be ‑ or lasso her.

MAT:		Who does it in your house?

CONOR:	My mum.

LIZ:		Oh.

MAT:		Oh, is that your mum sitting next to you?

CONOR:	Yeah.

MAT:		What’s your name?  I know you’re shaking your head frantically at me.

ROB:		Don’t be scared of Santa.

LIZ:		Is that, “No, I’m not his mum.  I’m not his mum”.

MAT:		You’re not his mother?  What are you doing sitting next to him?
(Laughter)

LIZ:		Okay, let’s move on.

MAT:		Anyone want to ask a question from the floor?

ROB:		I know you’ve got a card on with your name, but I can’t read it, so I’m just going to ask you.

DAVID:	It’s David.

ROB:		It’s David.  And what’s your question for Mat and Liz?

DAVID:	I just wondered what’s the most inappropriate present you’ve ever had for Christmas?

LIZ:		(Giggles)

MAT:		Well, golly.  Oh no, I remember.  Once, when I was very young, about ‑ how old are you, Conor?

CONOR:	11.

MAT:		About 11, same as Conor, I had one of those ‑ it was basically a punch ball.  I got given, on a bendy stick, a punch ball, but you had to stand.  It was on a bit of wood that you had to stand on and of course you forget and you stand, and the whole thing was a nightmare for me, because either I got smacked up the arse from the wooden thing, or I tried to get so close to the damn ball in order to hit it, and it recoiled so damn bloody quickly that I’d hit it and it would go bang, straight back in my face and knock me down.  That was the most inappropriate one I’ve had except for gloves, of course.

(Laughter)
 
MAT:		Can’t wear them.

LIZ:		I was given the game, Operation, which I thought…

MAT:		Oh.

LIZ:		…slightly sick, to be honest.  Oh, look where you’re going to be next month.  That’s nice, so there.  I think other things that I was given, I don’t know about you, but the things ‑ I’ve been given adult clothing, which is a bit like here’s what you would have worn if you’d have grown, which is a bit sick, I think.

MAT:		(Laughs)

LIZ:		And then that’s always horrible, and it’s usually nice things that I want.  But the other thing is books.

MAT:		What?  That you read?

LIZ:		Yeah.  Well, you see, growing up as a crip kid, right, I was always given books because it’s, like, “Oh, bless. If she can’t go out to play, you know, that’s it”.  So, everybody would buy me books.

MAT:		So sad.

LIZ:		No, I’ve got a whole library now.  It’s great, but I do have a fear.  I hate reading and I’m convinced it was because I was given the ‑ you know, and people don’t think but they give you things like Heidi.  Hmmm?  Pollyanna.

(Laughter)
 
LIZ:		Hmmm?  Little Women.  Hmmm?  A Christmas Carol.  It’s not funny.  You know, but always they give you books because ‑ so, actually I think the most inappropriate present to give a crip is a book, because it’s like saying, “Oh, there’s not much you can do, but at least you can read”.

MAT:		Oh.  And it’s at this point, ladies and gentlemen, that it becomes very congregational.  That I’d ask us all to think quietly about Mr Tiny Tim.

(Laughter)

MAT:		The most famous Christmas disabled ever to limp across the earth in a Dickensian, impoverished kind of way.

(Laughter)

LIZ:		Laurence, come on over.  It’s the bit we’ve been waiting for.

MAT:		Because that’s right, listeners to the Podcast, we’ve got our own Mr Tiny Tim, Mr Laurence Clark.

LIZ:		Hey, hey, hey.

(Cheering and applause)

MAT:		Oh, he’s here now.

LAURENCE:  Okay.  Hi.

MAT:		Hi.  Laurence, it’s great to have you in person instead of just recorded, saying the telephone number and the website.  It’s really exciting to have you back.  I’ll just let you settle down.  Oh, that’s just what you’re normally like.  Okay.  So, Liz, perhaps you’d like to tell the listeners the very exciting news as to what Laurence is going to do.

LIZ:		I’d just like him to do it really.  

MAT:		Go on!

LIZ:		It’s a little treat.  Any Christmas show, you know.  We’ve got the nibbles, we’ve got the games in a minute, but first we have the singing.

LAURENCE:  Can I just say what a privilege it is to…

MAT:		Ah.

LAURENCE:  Very special.

MAT:		Oh, my gosh.

LIZ:		Ah.  You’re quite emotional, aren’t you?

MAT:		I’m going to cry.

LAURENCE:  Yeah.  Last year, I did the BBC Talent Fund for disabled people - and this is where it's got me.

MAT:		Ah, you see.  It was worth it.  All those thousands of pounds.

LIZ:		All that money.

LAURENCE:  It was! I know.

LIZ:		Well, ladies and gentlemen listening at home, the prefect Christmas carol to be sung by Dr Laurence Clark.  I present Silent Night.

[Piano: Silent Night]

LAURENCE:  (Sings) Silent Night, Holy Night.  All is calm, all is bright.  Round yon Virgin, mother and child, holy infant so tender and mild.  Sleep in heavenly peace (laughs), sleep in heavenly peace.

(Laughter)
 
LAURENCE:  (Sings) Silent Night, Holy Night.  Shepherds quake at the sight.  Glory be from heaven afar.  Heavenly host sing alleluia.  Christ the Saviour is born. Christ the Saviour is born.

(Cheering and applause)

MAT:		Oh, wow.  We’ll be…

LAURENCE:  There’s more if you want it.

MAT:		No, we’re fine on that song.  Cheers, Laurence, thanks.

LIZ:		We have got more coming up later, though.  You’ll be back with us then.

MAT:		Yeah.  Oh, my God.  Now, why didn’t they have that on Christmas Top of the Pops, eh?

LIZ:		(Laughs)

(Jingle: “The Ouch Podcast!”)

LIZ:		Okay, on this edition of the Podcast, I’m afraid we don’t have Vegetable, Vegetable or Vegetable.

ALL:		Ah.

LIZ:		But we do have a very good old-fashioned game of Cripple Twister.

(Cheering)

LIZ:		They wouldn’t, of course, let me play.  Hmmm.  Not too fond about that.  But we’re thinking that this could be the quickest game every played.  Bear with us.  We’re looking for someone in the audience who might be a good opponent for Mat to play against.  Mat, who’s over there in the audience?

MAT:		I’ve got the roving mic.  I’m walking amongst the audience. I can see people, some of whom I know, some of whom I respect, and the rest of them.  So, I don’t know.  Does anybody want to play Twister with me?

LIZ:		There’s probably a reason for them not to play.

MAT:		No-one’s got their hand up.  Oh, fantastic.  Steve, our favourite studio ops guy.  He’s volunteered.  But now, hold on a sec.  Do you want a proper…

LIZ:		Oh, no.

MAT:		A proper?

LIZ:		I think we want a full-blowner.

MAT:		A DP?

LIZ:		We want a full-blowner.
MAT:		A full-blowner?

LIZ:		I mean, Steve might be, you know.  And by indication, he is, but…

MAT:		He might have a hidden, and we know he’s got good credentials.  Well, hold on a sec.

LIZ:		They’re all sitting there.  They really want to be asked, you know they do.

MAT:		Bearing in mind that I’m obviously not the best placed person to play this game, Twister, does anybody else want to have a go?

LIZ:		Woman on the front row is looking very interested.

MAT:		Anybody else?  We’ve got a blind man.

LIZ:		Oh, the blind.

MAT:		A blind man has volunteered.

LIZ:		Oh, ho, ho.  Hey-hey.

(Cheering and applause)

MAT:		Okay.  I’m going to give the microphone back to Rob now, and I’m just going to be a contestant in Twister.

LIZ:		Handing over.  Rob, can you just explain to people what Twister is, for those that may not know?

ROB:		I can attempt to.  It’s essentially a fun-based game from the 1980s and essentially there is a white map in front of us, with one, two, three, four, five, six, about ‑ I’m no good at adding up.  There’s four, eight, 12, 16, 28 circles and essentially, you have to spin the little disc here, which I’ve done very badly, and all the circles are of different colours, green, yellow, blue and red.  You have to have one hand and the other hand on different circles, plus both feet, and whichever colour the little spinner lands on, whether it be red, blue, yellow or green, you have to move your hand or leg to one of those positions.

LIZ:		That’s probably fine, thanks Rob, because…

ROB:		Can I drag this out any longer?  Essentially you just, kind of, make stupid positions in the air ‘til you fall over.  Is there any…

LIZ:		And we do have a contestant.  We know he’s blind, but who are you?  Would you like to…

LIAM:		The name’s Liam and I’ll have you know…

LIZ:		Yes, “I’ll have you know”.  You do sound like the Pub Landlord.  Yeah, you do.

LIAM:		A nice glass of wine for the ladies.

LIZ:		Here’s how our version of the game works.  We have ten true or false questions that we’re going to rattle through.  If the contestant gets the question right, they get to make a move in the usual Twister way, and by Rob spinning the arrow on the board to determine where their limbs should be going.  Whoever remains standing after ten questions have been asked is the winner.  That’s fine.  If you need help, just ask.  We’ve got lots of personal assistants and carers in the audience, so that’s fine.

ROB:		I should describe that Mat Fraser is, at this moment, limbering up in the manner of someone about to take part in an Olympic decathlon.
LIZ:		He’s on one side of the mat.

ROB:		Liam is standing there, looking rather foolish, quite frankly.

LIZ:		If you both remain standing at the end then, you know, we’ll decide who gets to win.  Are you ready, guys?

LIAM:		Yeah.

LIZ:		Let’s start alternate questions.  I want to start with Liam.  The name of the recent disabled contestant in The X Factor was Kerry.  True or false?

LIAM:		True.

LIZ:		Do, do, do, do.  True.  Liam, spin that disc.  Ah.

ROB:		Maybe I should spin it for him?

LIZ:		Well, yeah.  Do whatever.

LIAM:		Don’t think I can’t spin.

LIZ:		I think he can spin.

ROB:		Well, I don’t know.

LIZ:		Let him spin.

ROB:		Fine, fine.  Go on then.

LIZ:		He had an assessment saying he could spin.

ROB:		Spin it.

LIZ:		It’s fine.

(Laughter)
 
LIZ:		Would you like to read out what it’s landed on?  Oh, you can’t.  Right foot, green.

MAT:		Green’s here.

ROB:		So, that basically involves…

LIAM:		Where’s here?

MAT:		Can’t you feel my foot?

ROB:		Move your foot back a little bit.  No, to the right of it.

LIZ:		To visualise this, we now have Liam with his right foot on a green circle.  Question number two.  The little baby with Down’s Syndrome in EastEnders is called Flower.  True or false?

MAT:		False.

LIZ:		That’s right.  She’s actually called Petal.  Oh, ho.  Spin, spin, spin.  He did it with his little arms.  Lovely.  There we go.  Right foot, green.  That’s lovely.  So, they’re now facing each other.

(Laughter)

LIZ:		Next question.  It was reported recently that Professor Steven Hawking, the disabled academic with the black hole fixation, may appear as a contestant on next year’s Celebrity Big Brother.  True or false?

LIAM:		False.

LIZ:		It’s actually true!

(Laughter)
 
ROB:		Shall I spin for him?

LIZ:		No, no he doesn’t, because he got it wrong.  Bad Santa.  In London, there’s an area known as Cripplegate.  True or false, Mat?

MAT:		True.

LIZ:		True.  Yes.  Spin that dial.  

ROB:		It is left hand, yellow.

(Laughter)
 
LIZ:		Yeah, hey, hey.  Mat Fraser with his little hand is now bent over double with his hand on the yellow disc.  It’s only on the next row, so we’ve got a row of green, a row of yellow.  If he gets a red now…

ROB:		Mat’s gone very red in the face as well already.

LIZ:		Very red.

ROB:		He couldn’t move and he’s waning.
LIZ:		For a man of his age, he’s coping remarkably well.

ROB:		Okay, Liam.  Next question.

LIZ:		The BBC has commissioned a third series of the bloodied stump disability game show, Beyond Boundaries.  True or false?

LIAM:		False.

LIZ:		It’s true.  Oh, ha, ha, ha.  How clever are you?

ROB:		Okay, back to Mat.

LIZ:		Right, right.  Mat Fraser.

MAT:		Here!

LIZ:		I particularly like this question, Mat.

ROB:		Do you want some water?  Are you alright?

MAT:		I’m fine.  What’s that?

LIZ:		Question number six.  Mat Fraser has multiple sclerosis.

(Laughter)

LIZ:		True or false?

MAT:		In a manner of speaking, your honour, it’s true.

LIZ:		(Laughs)  Just because you like to take advantage of the natural remedies available for that condition.

(Laughter)

LIZ:		That’s not the same thing, Mat.  Spin that dial.  Spin that dial.

ROB:		It’s right hand, green, Mat.

(Laughter)

LIZ:		That’s quite lucky.  There’s a woman in the front row who’s got quite an eyeful, which is lovely.

(Laughter)
 
LIZ:		In fact, she’s angling her crutch in that direction.  It’s quite something.  Liam, Front magazine and Ouch! Podcast regular, Rob Crossan, wants a Shetland pony for Christmas.  True or false?

LIAM:		True.

LIZ:		Yeah, hey!  Spin, spin, spin.

ROB:		And all I got were two Scotch eggs.  It’s stopped on right hand, yellow, Mat.

LIZ:		It’s a fix, this.

ROB:		No, move it, move it.

LIZ:		That’s blue.

ROB:		Move it to your right a bit.

LIZ:		That’s blue, Liam.

ROB:		Down a bit.  No.  Down a bit.  Up a bit.  There.

LIZ:		Can’t you sense the colour?

ROB:		No.  Oh, that’ll do.

LIZ:		There were go.

ROB:		And Mat’s now sleeping.  Next question.

LIZ:		Mat, dry your eyes, mate.

(Laughter)
 
LIZ:		That’s the question.  Dry your eyes mate.  Mike Skinner, lead singer of The Streets is disabled.  He has epilepsy.  True or false?

MAT:		True.

LIZ:		(Laughs)  Yeah.

ROB:		Left foot, green, Mat.

(Laughter)

MAT:		I have to renegotiate my body.  Do I have to only move from this position?

LIZ:		It’s possibly a reasonable adjustment we can make for someone in your condition.

(Laughter)
   
LIZ:		But that’s only because I’m being generous.

ROB:		Mat is now wriggling in the manner of a particularly frantic worm, whereas Liam’s having a bloody easy time of it.  

LIZ:		Look at it.

ROB:		Next question.  

LIZ:		Conservative Party leader David Cameron’s son is disabled.  His name is Frazer.  True or false?

LIAM:		True.

LIZ:		It’s false.  He’s actually called Ivan, if you care.

(Laughter)
 
LIZ:		Mat, last question, you might be relieved to know.  In the classic novel, A Christmas Carol, Ebenezer Scrooge had a little disabled son called Tiny Tim.  True or false?

MAT:		False.

LIZ:		False!  I love the way you have to answer correctly, because it really is false.  You’re right.  Tiny Tim was Bob Cratchit’s son.

MAT:		Thank you.

LIZ:		So, you get to spin again.  Final spin of the night.

ROB:		I’m spinning and it has landed on ‑ oh, it’s right hand, yellow.

LIZ:		Right hand, yellow.  Ye, hey! 

ROB:		Like a master.

LIZ:		Look at him.  Oh, Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon.  It’s quite something.

ROB:		It’s like some sort of really, really bad martial art, which benefits nobody.

LIZ:		Audience, let’s give a round of applause to both Liam and Mat.

(Cheering and applause)

MAT:		Oh boy. 

LIZ:		Are you alright?

MAT:		I am.  I’m exhausted and a little in pain, but I’ve just exorcised an old Victor Lewis Smith joke and I feel very, very pleased about that.

LIZ:		Really?

MAT:		Yes, “That’s about as likely as a Thalidomide playing Twister”.  Well, I think the laugh’s on the other ‑ lung.

(Laughter)

MAT:		So, ha, ha, ha.

LIZ:		(Laughs)  At least you could play it.  Oh let’s get a game that the wheelies can’t play.  It should be a fully inclusive Podcast, you know.

MAT:		Oh.  Oh, no.  Is this like when you were at school, like Zaki.

LIZ:		Well, do you know what I mean?  It’s like, “Oh, let’s get the games”.  It’s like playing charades and of course with my hands, nobody knows whether it’s three syllables or a book.  You know what I mean?

(Laughter)

MAT:		I certainly know what you mean there.

LIZ:		It’s just not fair.  Anyway.  I always won at musical chairs.  Ha, ha, ha.

(Laughter)

MAT:		Perhaps we can play radio charades next Christmas, Damon.  As entertaining as radio Twister, perhaps.

(Laughter)

(Jingle: “The Ouch Podcast!”)

LIZ:		Right, questions.  Questions from the floor again.

ROB:		Yes.  Hands up, please.  And what is your name, little boy?

BEN:		I’m Ben.

ROB:		Oh, Ben.  What would you like to ask Mat and Liz?  What do you want for Christmas?

LIZ:		Oh, Ben!

ROB:		What do you want for Christmas, by the way?

LIZ:		Of course, so camp.

BEN:		What do I want for Christmas?  I don’t know.

ROB:		Oh, forget it then.  What do you want to ask Mat and Liz?

MAT:		Come on.  No, come on.  Hold on a sec.

LIZ:		He’s come miles to be here.  

MAT:		Don’t bully Ben.

BEN:		I want some kind of big spring I can attach to the front and the back, so when I fall over, I, sort of, bounce back up again and, like, you know, some kind of trampoline mechanism, I think, would be pretty good.

ROB:		Does such a thing exist?

LIZ:		Why?  What’s wrong with you?

BEN:		I’m dyspraxic.

LIZ:		Yeah, excellent.  Don’t know what that means.

MAT:		Nice one.  Round of applause for that impairment.
(Cheering and applause)

MAT:		So, hang on a minute.  You’re saying that you want to be ‑ would a mattress tied to your back be any good, or your front?

BEN:		Both, because…

MAT:		Oh, hello.

BEN:		Because I might, sort of, bounce backwards and forwards.

MAT:		Fantastic.

ROB:		Multiple polo sticks.  So, one stuck to your nipples.

LIZ:		Blow up Sumo suit?  That would be quite good.

ROB:		Anyway, what’s your question for Mat and Liz?

BEN:		This being the season of patronising goodwill…

ROB:		Ah.

BEN:		…I wondered what your favourite thing that relatives have sent to you at Christmas would be?

ROB:		Any suggestions.

MAT:		Apart from the ‑ I got for ten years, from my Uncle Barry, I got a bottle of sherry.  We’re talking from me being about the age of 14.

(Laughter)
MAT:		You know, I told him, year one, “I don’t really like sherry, Barry.  Thanks though”.  And for the next nine years, I still got a bottle, which in a way I came to expect the bottle of sherry and it was always like, “Hey, a bottle of sherry from Barry” so that was quite nice.

LIZ:		I usually get things like, “Oh, it is a shame, but you know, you’ve got lovely hair”.

(Laughter)

LIZ:		They always try and find that one glimmering hope of, you know, “Lovely hair”.  And I had a friend, and I thought it was just me, and then a friend of mine, her equivalent that her family used to say, “Oh, aren’t your teeth good?”

(Laughter)

MAT:		I always get the eyes.  So, I want to ask any visually impaired people, because I think most disabled people get, “Oh, you’ve got lovely eyes”.  A lot of them do.  Except, obviously, the blind.  So, what do ‑ perhaps I could ask Emma.  Emma?

EMMA:	Lovely big brown eyes.

MAT:		No, wait until you’re on the mic, please, darling.  Emma’s our lovely researcher from poor Ireland.

(Laughter)

EMMA:	It’s not too poor nowadays.

(Cheering)

MAT:		Oh, listen to her.

LIZ:		Fighting back.

EMMA:	I’ve always been told by relatives and friends that I have lovely, big brown eyes, and that’s the first thing they’d always say, even though they move around like the Be Jesus.

(Laughter)

MAT:		That’s part of their ruddy attraction, Miss Tracey.  Eh?

LIZ:		Because when they can focus on them, that’s when they really appreciate how brown they are, because of that effort.  Excellent.

MAT:		Oh, well, you know, they’re not lying.  Just so you know.

(Laughter)

ROB:		Any more questions?

AUDIENCE:	What’s the most Christmassy disability?

MAT:		Oh, good one.

LIZ:		Don’t look at me (laughs).

MAT:		I suppose that bloody great big red nose.

LIZ:		That would be quite good.

MAT:		No?  No?  That was a dad joke, wasn’t it?
(Laughter)

MAT:		I’m working with young people at the moment and every time I make a joke, they look at me and say, “Dad joke”.  Anybody?  Throw that one to the floor?  No, not another question, but what they think the most Christmassy impairment is, because I think that’s a really good question.

LIZ:		What about something like Bell’s Palsy?

MAT:		Ooh.  Hey, oh, here we go.  That must have been a mum joke.  Yes, we’ve got some people holding their arms out.  Better get to them quick, because they don’t look like they can hold them up for that long.

LIZ:		They’re exhausted.

MAT:		Oh, hello.

ROB:		Please announce your name.

SEAN:		Hello.

LIZ:		Sorry, can’t understand.  What was his name?

SEAN:		Hello.  Sean here and it’s got to be obesity.

(Laughter)

MAT:		Oh.

LIZ:		Oh!

MAT:		Hold on.  That’s a little bit controversial, don’t you think?  So, they’re in our club now, are they?

SEAN:		It’s Christmas.

MAT:		Okay.

LIZ:		Include everyone.  There’s a guy at the back.  Lovely suit.  

ROB:		Oh, is there?  Right, okay.  I’m on my way.

LIZ:		A suit to rival yours, I think.

MAT:		There’s a gentleman at the back, which looks like a maroon crushed velvet, tight-fitted personalised suited affair.

LIZ:		I know.  I think it’s lovely.

ROB:		I know, I think I want it.  Okay, what’s your name?

PETE:		Pete.

ROB:		Okay, and what’s your question for Mat and Liz?

PETE:		Factor 8 disorder for Christmas?

LIZ:		What was that?

PETE:		A Factor 8 disorder.

LIZ:		Factor 8?

MAT:		Factory Disorder?

PETE:		Factor 8.

ROB:		You’ll have to explain that one.

MAT:		Disorder.

PETE:		It’s Christmas Disease.  There is a disease called Christmas Disease.

LIZ:		No. 

PETE:		Factor 8, yeah.

ROB:		Why is it called Christmas Disease?

LIZ:		What does it mean?  What happens to you?

PETE:		Who knows, but it’s haemophilia.

LIZ:		Oh.

ROB:		Is there any Sanity Claus?

AUDIENCE:	Insanity Claus!

MAT:		Oh, that’s very good, Insanity Claus.  That’s very good.

LIZ:		And your suit’s lovely as well, so, you know, we’ll let you off, not understanding.

ROB:		Have to check out the suit. 
LIZ:		He’s taking a bow now.  He’s taking a bow.

ROB:		Oh, exposing a bit too much there.  It’s good, very good.

MAT:		That was a bit weird that, wasn’t it?

ROB:		I know.

MAT:		All got a bit strange for a second there. 

LIZ:		The silence.

MAT:		A bit other worldy.

ROB:		Have we got time for one more?

MAT:		Oh, please.  Somebody who hasn’t asked a question before or have been heard yet on this Poddy.  Hold on.  The lady?

ROB:		Okay.  Hang on, I can see one, I can see one.

LIZ:		There’s two.

MAT:		I’ve got two and they’ve been putting their hands up a lot and so let’s do both of them if we’ve got time.

ROB:		Okay, we’ll do both.

LIZ:		It’s only fair.

ROB:		Sorry, what’s your name?

KATIE:	Katie.

ROB:		Okay, what’s your question for Mat and Liz, Katie?

KATIE:	If you were to get any gadget for Christmas, what would be the worst one you’d get?

LIZ:		A kettle tipper.

(Laughter)
	
LIZ:		Another bloody kettle tipper.  Honest to God, if someone else buys me one of them, no.  It’s going to be that and a sock putter onner.  Do you know what I mean?  Because I can make my own with a margarine tub and a bit of elastic, if I’m really that desperate.  So, if somebody bought me anything like that, I would cry.  I would cry.

ROB:		Okay, so what’s your name?

ELEANOR:	Eleanor.

ROB:		And what’s your question for Mat and Liz?

ELEANOR:	What’s the best, or the worst advice, an able bodied person has, kind of, forced upon you at Christmas?

MAT:		Advice or device?

LIZ:		Hmmm.

ELEANOR:	Advice.

MAT:		Advice?

LIZ:		Advice.  Hmmm.

MAT:		To try doing it with my feet.

(Laughter)
 
MAT:		I can’t really tell you what the question was.

(Laughter)
 
MAT:		But it was back before I was married, shall we say.

LIZ:		(Laughs)   I have little presents for you.  

MAT:		I’ve got a present for you.

LIZ:		I’ve got a present for you.

MAT:		I’m going to get mine while you talk.

LIZ:		You haven’t got me a present, because I said I had you a present.

MAT:		No, I’ve always had one.

LIZ:		And you had me nothing.

MAT:		I always had you a present for you, Liz.

LIZ:		And you went in the corner, took something off.

(Laughter)

LIZ:		Right.  Well, shall I start with ‑ shall I do Rob’s present first?

ROB:		Oh, please, please, please.

LIZ:		Rob, I’ve got a present for Father Christmas.

(Laughter)
  
LIZ:		Now, it’s very exciting.  

(Laughter)
  
ROB:		Can I open this now?

LIZ:		I love him taking his little beard off, bless him.

ROB:		I’ve ruined the dream for children.  I’m sorry, Conor, I really am Santa.  Anyway…

MAT:		I can see how shattered his illusions are.  He really thought you were Santa Claus.

ROB:		Oh, it’s the closest I could get to a Shetland pony.  It’s pony tails, the horse pencil with high-styling hair.

MAT:		Oh.

LIZ:		Now, the great thing is, Rob, there’s a reason I bought you.  Obviously I know you love ponies, but you’re a journalist, so I thought you’ve got a pen you can use in the office.
ROB:		Oh!

LIZ:		Yeah?  And the great thing is it’s a Palomino for the Albino.  Hey-hey.  Isn’t that lovely?

ROB:		It’s almost custom-made, isn’t it?

LIZ:		I know, I know.

ROB:		I can’t imagine anyone else will buy one.

MAT:		That’s like some kind of Paul Simon song, isn’t it?  Palomino, de-dah, Albino.  It’s that sort of ‑ no, okay.

LIZ:		Just shut up and open your present. 

MAT:		I can’t reach.

LIZ:		We’re all looking forward to watching this to be honest.

MAT:		I can’t reach my present.  (Countdown tune)  

LIZ:		Fragile then.  We’ve only got half an hour left of the studio time.

MAT:		Ah.  Ha, ha, ha.

LIZ:		Describe what it is.  Describe what it is.

MAT:		It’s a mini, or could I say flidi, EtchoSketch, ladies and gentlemen.  Oh, I’ve wanted one of these ever since I broke one in 1971.

(Laughter)
LIZ:		But I want to see you swizzle those…

ROB:		I want to see him open it.

LIZ:		And swizzle those knobs with both your hands.  That’s what I want to see.  Oh, he’s going to have a go.  Look at that.  It’s tiny.  It’s about three inches across.  Look at him.  Oh, you’re managing it much better than I thought you could.  Look at that.

MAT:		It’s surprising how quick you can get a four-letter word out of this thing.

(Laughter)

LIZ:		Where’s my present?

MAT:		Anyway, here we go, Liz.  Do you want to shut your eyes and I’ll tell you when to open them, okay? 

LIZ:		Yeah.

MAT:		And it’ll be right in front of you.

LIZ:		I’m so going to hate this, aren’t I?

(Laughter)

MAT:		Open.

LIZ:		(Laughs)

MAT:		Hey!

LIZ:		Oh, it’s a bottle of Cava.  Funny that.  Haven’t we been on that all night?

MAT:		No.  Not that bottle.  That bottle is special.

LIZ:		That’s very kind of you, thank you.

MAT:		Oh, I feel thank you for your lovely presents.  Thank you.

LIZ:		Oh, it’s okay.

MAT:		Oh, that was lovely.

LIZ:		Oh, I like to give.

ROB:		Where’s my present from you, Mat? 

LIZ:		You’ve had it.

ROB:		Oh, I’ve already had the Scotch eggs, haven’t I?

(Laughter)

MAT:		Yes.

ROB:		I thought that was just a joke present and you were going to bring out a nice tank or something.

MAT:		No.  Genuinely, as a caring vegetarian, I genuinely care for your diet, and I wanted you to improve it with a couple of Scotch eggs and a muesli bar.

LIZ:		You know what they should have done?  They should have brought us crackers, Christmas crackers.  Can you pull those things?
MAT:		I do have somewhat of a difficulty, and again another thumb-dependent activity, I feel.

LIZ:		(Laughs)  That would have been excellent.

MAT:		Look, I’ve made stairs on my EtchoSketch.

LIZ:		Thanks.

MAT:		Oh.

(Jingle: “The Ouch Podcast!”)

MAT:		And now, on behalf of the BBC Podcast 2006, we present our own Queen Liz’s Christmas message.

[Piano music: National Anthem] 

LIZ:		Loyal Ouch! subjects, it’s both an honour and privilege for one to be addressing you on this, our first, Christmas Podcast.  As one sits on one’s shiny purple throne of wheels, both myself and King Matthew…

MAT:		(Mutters)  Thank you very much.

(Laughter)

LIZ:		…would like to open our brittle and flippered arms in welcome.  Our Ouch! family has grown in so many ways during the last eight months of Podcasting.  We’ve been joined by Laurence, Rob, the workplace girl, I forget her name, and a host of guests from that bloke with Tourette’s, to withered hands Beadle, a blind politician and a comedian from our colony down under.  As I reflect on the year, I notice it has seen both a rise in reality television and the proliferation of new disabled celebrities.  Who amongst us hasn’t wanted to wheel up Kilimanjaro in an NHS wheelchair…

(Laughter)

LIZ:		…in order to prove we can push Beyond Our Boundaries?  Who doesn’t dream of singing our handicapped hearts out on a Saturday night to impress Simon Cowell, or of marrying a Beatle, despite our mobility difficulties?  I too have faced my own personal boundaries this year.  Indeed, only today, I bravely travelled here from King’s Cross on Commonwealth public transport without my own camera crew or patronising voiceover.

(Laughter)

LIZ:		2006 has been a year full of natural and human tragedies.  There are calls for euthanizing disabled babies with colic.  Switzerland has extended dying with dignity to people who feel just a little under the weather.

(Laughter)

LIZ:		And those in a persistent vegetative state are being turned on and off like the Oxford Street Christmas lights.  Despite this, however, it’s heartening to know that our audience figures have never been better.  Indeed, some people have even taken the quite desperate measures to join the Outch! craze.  Much to the disappointment of gay men everywhere, David Beckham came out as having Obsessive Compulsive Disorder this year.

(Laughter)

LIZ:		Jordan and Peter Andre produced both an album and a disabled child, and Gordon Brown has proudly given birth to his very own economic burden.

(Laughter)

LIZ:		They seem to forget that Ouch! is fully inclusive and not just for the tragically handicapped.  The world is not always an easy or safe place to live.  War, poverty and violence lurk around every corner, leaving a trail of destruction and disability in their wake.  But on a brighter note, Jim’s coming back to Fix It.

(Laughter)

LIZ:		Even our own special Podcast has stood in the firing line this year.  We wish to thank all our listeners who stood, sat and stumbled, shoulder to shoulder to save our humble show.  Thankfully, despite our Anus Interruptus, we are secure once more and have even further colonised the hallowed halls of the BBC at Broadcasting House.  So, please, join me in sending a particularly special thank you to Damon Rose, the power behind the throne, and to Emma, Steve, Rowena, Lisa and Vaughan, loyal servants all.  And finally, my thoughts return to you, dear listeners.  Whatever you are doing this festive season, I hope that your assistant turns up on the 25th, the Dial A Ride doesn’t want you back home by 8 o’clock, that your guide dog doesn’t chuck up on your mother’s carpet after a dodgy mince pie, that your interpreter still works after one too many glasses of sherry, and that you don’t get sectioned for seeing too many men in red suits with fake beards everywhere.

(Laughter)

LIZ:		Whatever your condition, impairment or deformity, whether you’re a Vegetable, Vegetable or Vegetable, I wish you all a very Merry Yule, Christmas, Hanukkah, or whatever it is you celebrate.

(Cheering and applause)

[Piano music: National Anthem]

LIZ:		So, that’s the end of the Christmas Podcast for 2006.  We’re back in the New Year.  Thanks to everyone who helped to put this one together; Producer Damon Rose, Researcher Emma Tracey, Assistant Producer Lisa Devlin, Studio Ops James Bertwhistle and Andrew Grainger, Rob Crossan on the mic, Laurence Clark on the vocals and a big thank you to you, our audience.

MAT:		Yes, indeed.  Give yourselves a round of applause.

(Cheering and applause)

MAT:		We’re going to play out with a little festive cheer, with a rendition of Ding Dong Merrily.  Laurence Clark, comedian turned singer, will be leading our audience.  So, until mid-January, goodbye and Merry Christmas, Happy Quansa, Chanukha or whatever you’re into.  Bye!

LIZ:		Bye.

[Piano music: Ding Dong Merrily on High]

LAURENCE: (Sings)  Ding dong merrily on high, the heavens above are ringing.  Ding dong merrily the sky, it’s full of angels singing.

ALL:		Gloria…

LAURENCE:  (Sings)  And so, below, below, below, the steeple bells have swungen.  And io, io, io, by priest and people swungen.

ALL:		Gloria…

LAURENCE:  You want more?
MAT:		Yeah more.

(Cheers and applause)

LAURENCE:  Go on.  (Sings)  Pray you dutifully prime, your matin chime, you ringers.  May you beautifully rime, you evetime song yea singers.

ALL:		Gloria…Hosanna in Excelsis.

(Cheering and applause)