Regrets, I've had a few - namely not being able to sign off with my team safely ensconced in the Premier League. Although on the plus side, at least we didn't go down.

And now the tears subside.....actually I'm not continuing with this My Way nonsense a second longer. Let's get on with the business of reviewing the week, resurrecting a few gems from the ghosts of Reviews past and possibly slipping in the odd musical reference.

There's no fool like an old fool (and I should know) but you've got to feel a bit sorry for the loose-tongued Lord. If all the secret chats I've had over the years were made public, I'd be on Britain's Most Wanted, not to mention Jeremy Kyle.

After baring her soul to a Sunday newspaper, who knows what the 'femme fatale' in question will do next. Personally, I'd like to see her release an album of Smiths covers - Big Mouth Strikes Again, What She Said, Squealer Take A Bow - the list is endless. And if she needs a helping hand, Triesman could always chip in with I Know It's Over, Panic, or Heaven Knows I'm Miserable Now.

The Lord might have lost us one World Cup, but at least we won another as our proud boys from South Africa, Ireland (and even the odd one from Blighty) smashed the Aussies in Barbados.

New dad Kevin Pietersen led the charge, and it appears a fair trade with Australia has been reached at last - we'll keep tonking you at cricket and you can have the World Snooker champion.

While KP was doing the business, his second-in-command, KP 'B', was doing his nut after missing the chance to send Chelsea back to the King's Road with their tails between their legs.

Yes, poor old Kevin Prince Boateng, who not content with giving Germany's World Cup hopes a kick in the Ballacks, produced the softest penalty ever witnessed in an FA Cup final - until Frank Lampard's effort 20 minutes later.

John Terry appeared to have a few words with Boateng before he took the kick, with (ex) Pompey manager Avram Grant explaining: "He said 'Can you shoot like I did in the Champions League final?'"

Carlo Ancelotti celebrated Chelsea's first double by going all Phil Brown on us and belting out Blues anthem 'Cantare' from their open-top bus. As for his Smiths song - well, it's got to be This Charming Man.

Meanwhile, there were fears expressed for the well-being of JT's England team-mate Wayne Rooney, when he was pictured in some papers emerging from a dirty old caravan sporting a huge, straggly beard and a pot belly.

At first glance I thought someone had finally tracked down Marco Boogers, but turns out the image was taken from an ad showing how Wazza could end up if he doesn't produce the goods in the World Cup.
Career on the wane Rooney
In an interview with The Sun, Rooney admitted that as a kid he used to wear sovereign rings like the one worn by his alter-ego in the commercial (in other revelations, Jordan used to play with Barbie dolls and Sam Allardyce was the tuck shop monitor).

Wazza also confirmed that he still uses the hairdryer to help him get to sleep, although Colleen wishes Sir Alex would go to his own home some nights.

Best jokes (apart from QPR's hirem-firem policy) concerned Spurs and Newcastle. There were a plethora of gags doing the rounds when Tottenham propped up the league, but my favourite was: "Juande Ramos was caught speeding the other day - he'll do anything for three points."

Then there was Gavin & Stacey star Matthew Horne's tweet when the Magpies went down: "Earlier today I saw a Newcastle season-ticket nailed to a tree. I thought 'I'm having that!' - 'cos you can never have enough nails, can you?"

Best nicknames; 'Wash' Ngog and 'Miami' Weiss, while former Wolves striker Steve Bull gets best quote after answering a question about who would be his ideal dinner party guest with the legend: "If he was alive, Muhammad Ali."

Most of you will probably have seen the Chants of the Season by now, but I'm going back to the last campaign for this little gem, when Tottenham fans spotted the Gallagher brothers at the Man City game and sang: "You're just a s@*! Chas 'n' Dave!"

Best messageboard moan (or Uptown Top Ranting, if you prefer) is another joint award between two disillusioned fans. The first came from a fellow QPR supporter, who groaned: "...I hate Garth Crooks. I hate Garth Brooks for that matter.... I hate grown men wearing football shirts of their team whilst shopping on a Saturday when their team is playing at home.... I hate that I don't hate Roy Hodgson."

The second was from a Grimsby fan, who growled: "Dad, you can (go away). This is your fault. Your idea. You introduced me to this shower of (manure). 'Come with me to Blundell Park,' you said, 'Come and support the boys.' What could I do? I was (flipping) four, what choice did I have? Why not get me hooked on heroin whilst you were at it? I could have gone with mum shopping for bras and knickers at British Home Stores, but no, you knew best...."

The worst 'get your coat' moment (I've had a few) came when I suggested a new Liverpool aftershave range should be named 'You'll Never Walk-Cologne". Sorry about that.
The tooth is out there somewhere
And finally, best story. So many to choose from - Stephen Ireland pimping his girlfriend's ride, the Chelsea fan caught brushing his teeth at the Man Utd game (otherwise known as 'Cole-Gate'), the Sunday League player booked for deliberately breaking wind as his opponent took a penalty, and the Millwall season-ticket holder who couldn't understand why his seat had been taken when he went to get a ticket for the Charlton game, before eventually realising it had been sold to him at the start of the season.

Runner-up is Port Vale skipper Tommy Fraser, nephew of notorious gangster Mad Frankie. According to legend, when he was at Brighton, Tommy was asked by a local reporter if his uncle ever came to watch him play. "No," came the reply. "But he reads your reports and he was unhappy you only gave me six out of 10 last week." Fraser never got less than seven again.

But the clear winner is the poster on a Rangers messageboard who came up with a cunning plan to get fans into Dundee United after the visitors' allocation had sold out. He urged them to ring up the club shop and buy some Dundee United socks, give it a while, ring back and then get the tickets, safe in the knowledge their details would be stored on the Tannadice system.

Perfect, aside from the fact there was no such database, resulting in Rangers fans ending up with hundreds of pairs of Dundee United socks and no match tickets. The poster was a Celtic fan.

Right, that's it. Sorry Cardiff fans, but good luck to my old mucker Ian Holloway at Wembley on Saturday - not least because the Bluebirds beat us in the play-off final a few years' back and the Blackpool manager was the inspiration for one of the best footie ads ever. Get on yer janner!

And so as the blog is finally laid to rest, it is perhaps fitting that I shall be spending Saturday night in a place called the Talbot Hotel, which is apparently haunted by the ghost of Mary Queen of Scots. I'll naturally pass on your regards if I see her. Have a good weekend, summer and indeed life, one and all. What can I say? It's been emotional.

I may not be blogging on the BBC any more, but I will be tweeting quotes, chants and daft stuff, so sign up to my Twitter page if you want to hear more - and feel free to tweet me any gems, or email on chris.charles@bbc.co.uk

"N'Diayeeeee will always love you!"
Palace fans serenade Alessandro N'Diaye.

"Jo, Jo, Jo, he's magic, you know."
Everton fans to the Brazilian forward, to the tune of Magic by Pilot.

"Tun-cay, cay - Huth, Huth, Abdoulaye!"
Stoke supporters, to the tune of Too Shy by Kajagoogoo.

"Who did you support before?"
Leeds fans question the football fidelity of the MK Dons support.

"Love, love will tear you apart again!"
Stenhousemuir supporters to midfielder Robert Love, to the tune of Joy Division's Love Will Tear Us Apart.

"We've only got one Song."
Arsenal fans to Alex Song.

"We've only got one Tong!"
FC United fans to centre-half Adam Tong.

"You should have gone to U2!"
Arsenal chant to Celtic during Champions League game. (U2 were playing at Hampden that night).

"King Kanu, Kanu,
"He's older than me and you,
"His real age is 62,
"King Kanu, Kanu."
Portsmouth contingent on their evergreen striker.

"Same old Terry, always cheating."
Blackburn fans after a foul by Chelsea captain John Terry.

"We love Taboubi, We love Taboubi, We love Taboubi on a Saturday night."
After Hedi Taboubi scored for Wrexham, to the tune of T Rex's We Love To Boogie.

"I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me, Aqui, Aqui Aquilani."
Praise from Liverpool fans for Alberto Aquilani (to the tune of Lady GaGa's 'Paparazzi').

"Fergie, Fergie, sign him up!"
Manchester United fans after David Beckham came on during the Champions League tie with AC Milan.
Beckham - never one for a publicity stunt
Fergie, Fergie, sign him up!"
Manchester City fans to United rivals after Carlos Tevez scored twice in the League Cup semi-final.

"We're forever reaching finals, reaching finals in Hamburg.
"We'll be on the beer while they'll be stuck here
"Watching EastEnders with their old dear
"We'll be on the Reeperbahn, they'll still be in Dagenham
"We're forever reaching finals, reaching finals in Hamburg!"
Fulham fans respond to West Ham's 'Bubbles' chant.

"Does your mummy know you're here?"
England supporters voice concern for their Egyptian counterparts at Wembley.

"Boom boom boom, let me hear you say Bale, Ba-le!"
Spurs salute to Gareth Bale, to the tune of the Outhere Brothers' song.

"Where were you in Istanbul?"
Liverpool fans give Michael Owen a warm welcome on his return to Anfield.

"I've got a park, that's better than this,
"I've got a park that's better than this,
"Its got a swing, a tramp and dog mess,
"I've got a park that's better than this!"
Havant and Waterlooville fans take the mickey out of local rivals Eastleigh's stadium, to the tune of When The Saints Go Marching In.

"Jose Fonte, baby
"Jose Fonte, wo-oh-oh-oh!"
Southampton supporters serenade their defender to the tune of the Human League's Don't You Want Me.

"U-N-I-T-E-D
"That spells (flipping) debt to me,
"With a knick knack paddywhack, give a dog a bone,
"Ocean Finance on the phone."
Man City put the boot into United.

"This is what it's like to be City,
"This is what it's like to be small.
"This is what it's like to be a team that wins nothing at all."
Man Utd fans give some back at Fulham while 3-0 down - to the tune of Inspiral Carpets' This Is How It Feels.

"We are top of the league!"
After Hull took the lead at Stamford Bridge. (The dream lasted less than 10 minutes before Chelsea equalised.)

"He plays on the left, he plays centre mi-i-d, Charlie Adam could play for Madrid!"
Blackpool fans salute their hero at the Scunthorpe game.
Bet they wouldn't tell him to his face
"You fat Bastareaud!"
France's Mathieu Bastareaud gets a warm welcome at the Millennium Stadium in the Six Nations.

"When the City are playing frightful,
"We've got our Dutchman so delightful,
"And even though he's just on loan,
"Evander Sno, Evander Sno, Evander Sno!"
Bristol City supporters to the tune of Let It Snow - about the on-loan Ajax midfield maestro.

"The Unibond, it has no nails,
"The Unibond it has no nails,
"And its anti-mould bath sealant
"Is very good, it never fails."
From the Stand Band at Marine FC of the Unibond Premier League. To the tune of When The Saints Go Marching in.

"We've got Morten Gamst Pedersen; Gamst Pedersen is what we need!"
A soft rock tribute to the Blackburn midfielder, to the tune of Bon Jovi's Bad Medicine.

"We can't see you sneaking out!"
Colchester United fans to their Southampton counterparts when thick fog descended.

"Oh Big Brede (Hangeland), Whoah big Brede (Hangeland), He jumps so high (Hangeland), You know that's no lie (Hangeland), He's so rock steady (Hangeland), When you see him on telly (Hangeland), Oh Big Brede (Hangeland), Whoah big Brede (Hangelaaaaaand)."
Fulham's tribute to giant Norwegian Brede Hangeland - to the tune of Ram Jam's Black Betty.

"Easter's better than Christmas!"
MK Dons fans after Jermaine Easter scored against Stockport on Boxing Day.

"I am a Fleetwood fan,
"And I come from Fleetwood Town,
"I know what I want and I know how to get it,
"I wanna destroy Telford FC,
"Cause, I wanna be Cod Army."
Fleetwood Town fans, to the tune of Anarchy in the UK.

"What's that coming over the hill, is it the taxman, is it the taxman?!"
Swansea fans to Cardiff.

"We like Eboue-boue,
"We like Eboue-boue,
"We like Eboue-boue,
"We like E...BOUE!"
Arsenal salute Emmanuel Eboue to the tune of Reel 2 Real's I Like To Move It.

"Hands up, baby hands up, show me your six fingers, show me your six fingers!"
To the tune of Ottowan's 'Hands Up', sung by Blackburn fans to Burnley.
You only sing when you're ringing

"You're not ringing anymore!"
Heard at Arsenal-Portsmouth after Arsenal's third and fourth goals (a dig at 'Mr Portsmouth' and his ever-present hand-bell.)

"No Woodman - No cry."
At Wycombe v Brighton, when Wycombe took a second-half lead, despite Craig Woodman's first-half dismissal.

"He's young, he's flash, he fills the air with ash. Sigurdsson, Sigurdsson!"
Reading's tribute to their Icelandic midfielder.

"There's only one Gordon Ramsay."
Oldham fans to Delia Smith and the Norwich fans.

Celtic fans: "Shall we sing a song for you?"
Arsenal fans: "Shall we score a goal for you?"
Heard at the Emirates during the Champions League game.

"Thursday nights, Channel 5!"
Manchester United fans in reference to Liverpool having to play in the Europa League.

"You're not scary any more!"
Yeovil fans to Millwall.

"Alive, alive-o-oh, Alive, alive-o-oh,
"Stephen Ireland's two grannies.
"Alive, alive-o!"
Sung at France v Ireland in Paris, to the tune of Molly Malone.
Ireland pretended first one granny, then the other was dead to excuse himself for playing for the Republic in 2007 - Ed.

"We hate England more than you!"
Scottish fans to their Welsh counterparts during the friendly in Cardiff.

"You'll get the sack in the morning!"
West Brom fans as QPR's fifth manager of the season, Neil Warnock, was introduced to the Loftus Road faithful shortly before kick-off in his first match.

"His name is Rio, and he should be in the stands!"
Section of England support in Ukraine, after Rio Ferdinand made a mistake.
Any excuse to use a picture of the dynamic duo
"Super Luka, nuts are we - we're all Luka loopy!"
Spurs supporters salute Luka Modric, to the tune of Chas 'n' Dave's Snooker Loopy.

"You only sing karaoke!"
Scotland fans to Japan supporters in Yokohama.

"Benny is a dancer, skipping past defenders, Benayoun is everywhere!"
Liverpool fans against Benfica, to the tune of Snap's Rhythm Is A Dancer.

"There's only one Michael Jackson, one Michael Jackson.
"There used to be two, but now there's just you, walking in a Jackson wonderland."
In honour of the Marine FC midfielder.

"You're just a fat Robbie Savage!"
Arsenal fans singing to Andriy Voronin of Liverpool in the Carling Cup.

"The referee's a Womble!"
Chant at Berwick Rangers match.

"You're supposed to be a gnome!"
At the Port Vale-Lincoln match, to a rather small referee!

"There's only one Alan Rickman!"
Wigan fans to Man Utd's Dimitar Berbatov, who they believe resembles Rickman's Harry Potter character, Professor Snape.

"Go compare!"
West Ham fans to Rafa Benitez.

"Broady, Broady, the dude looks like a lady."
Sung by the Aussie fanatics at the Ashes - to the Aerosmith tune of 'Dude Looks Like A Lady'.
Scharner and his dodgy barnet
"Your Mum is a badger!"
Spurs supporters to Wigan's Paul Scharner, with reference to his half-blond, half-black hair.

"Tango, Tango, what's the score?"
Arsenal fans to Hull City boss Phil Brown at The Emirates.

"Saw your mum on Jeremy Kyle..."
West Brom fans to a rowdy Reading fan.

"It's just like watching The Bill!"
Worthing supporters during their 2-1 win against Metropolitan Police.

"Tina, Tina, give us a wave!"
Wolves fans take the mickey out of David James' 'Tina Turner' afro at Portsmouth.

"You look like a Wotsit!"
Southampton fans to MK Dons' flame-haired captain, Dean Lewington.

"Strawberry blond, you're having a laugh!"
QPR fans to their former loanee Ben Watson, who shares Lewington's auburn locks.

"We are invisible!"
Barnet fans at a foggy Christie Park, during the 2-1 defeat to Morecambe.
Decisions, decisions
"I'd rather be an egg than a sausage!"
Chant at Woking FC.

"Sittingbourne, shish kebab, Sittingbourne, shish kebab!"
Folkestone Invicta fans at the Chatham Town game on Easter Monday.

"We're blue and white,
"We're having pie for tea tonight,
"Super Steak, Super Steak!"
Sung by St Johnstone supporters after losing 2-1 to Rangers.

"Calderon, Calderon
"Calderon, Calderon,
"Drinking pints of sherry
"Calderon, Calderon."
Brighton fans (to the tune of Let It Be) serenading Spanish right-back Inigo Calderon, after he scored his first goal in English football.

STADIUM ANNOUNCEMENTS

"Would the owner of the BMW estate, registration XXXXXXX, please return to your car as it has started by itself."
Stadium announcer at Northampton v Wasps.

"Don't be fooled by the sunshine, it'll be snowing in 20 minutes."
PA announcer at Oldham welcoming Hartlepool fans to Boundary Park.

"And tonight's match referee is...oh dear God....Davy Malcolm."
From the Ballymena v Glenavon Irish Cup replay.

"The fourth official has indicated two minutes added time to the first half. In association with Specsavers."
Stadium announcer at Hillsborough during Sheffield Wednesday v Forest, after what he thought was a poor refereeing display.

"It's now QPR 0 Ipswich 2, there'll be a new manager in the morning, then!"
Watford announcer reading out the scores at half-time.

"If you are parked in the Buttermarket car park....it closes at five....oh and by the way my mother-in-law is cooking jacket potato and cold meat tonight."
Ipswich announcer at QPR game.
And the score is, er...
"The referee will make a decision after half-time whether to play the rest of the game due to fog. By the way, the score is 0-0."
At half-time during the Lewes v St Albans match, where you couldn't see from one side of the pitch to the the half-way line. The match was called off.

"Cockneys for a day."
Seen among Liverpool fans at Chelsea game.

"Love Glazer, Hate United."
City fans at the Manchester derby.

"Glazers Out! We want our scarves back!"
Banner seen in the Norwich end at Tranmere, along with many yellow and green scarves.

"At least Barnes could rap."
Banner at Rangers v Celtic match, regarding Tony Mowbray's poor record at Celtic.

"He's Not The Messiah. He's A Very Naughty Boy."
Burnley fans at Bolton, directed to their former manager Owen Coyle.

"We had Sol but he's not a soldier."
Banner seen at Notts County after the departure of Campbell. (Based on The Killers' 'I got soul but I'm not a soldier' lyrics).

"Steve, sorry we missed the wedding. We'll make it to the next one!"
Seen at the All Blacks-Australia Test in Wellington.

As most people know, Quotes/Chants of the Week will not be reappearing next season, but I will be tweeting any gems I hear, so sign up to my Twitter account if you want to see more.

From Stamford Bridge to Downing Street, they kept the blue flag flying high, but while Dave was bailed out by the Liberals, there was no third-party alliance to save Sir Alex.

There was talk of Arsenal getting together with the yellow half of the anti-Glazer campaign, but as my five-year-old daughter would be only too happy to tell you, mix red with yellow and you get Phil Brown.

Chelsea skipper John Terry insisted on wearing his winners' medal all night, and by the sound of reports spreading through the media on Wednesday afternoon, he'd managed to drop it on his foot. The sequence of events went something like this:

John Terry suffers broken metatarsal - out of World Cup
John Terry suffers suspected broken metatarsal
Terry having scan on suspected broken foot
Terry has not broken his foot but may have ligament damage
Terry hopes to play in FA Cup final this Saturday
Terry 100% fit for FA Cup final
Terry spotted doing barefoot keep-uppies with a medicine ball.

OK, so the last one may not be strictly true, but it just shows you can't believe everything you read, although admittedly I immediately texted my mates to alert them to the original rumour. To a man, they came back with the same response - see if you can guess what it was.

a) "Gutted, can't believe it, he's our most important player, we'll never win the World Cup now." :(

b) "I'm not his biggest fan, but that is a major blow."

Or c) "Hahahaha!! LOL!! LMAO!!"

I'll give you a clue - none of them are Chelsea fans.

Terry and co take on Portsmouth at Wembley on Saturday, with Pompey buoyed by the news that designer Jeff Banks is offering to provide their cup final suits for free. The last I heard, David 'white Armani' James had a hand in designing them, so put on your sunglasses before tuning in, just in case.

Meanwhile, Jamo's barnet continues to grow at an alarming rate - if any Chelsea players 'go missing' on Saturday, you'll know where to find them.

When he does eventually get it trimmed, he should have the decency to hand the clippings to fellow-veteran Ryan Giggs. According to the Sun, The Manchester United star has been having hair replacement treatment at a clinic in Salford. The story was under the banner 'Mane United', although personally I'd have gone with 'Ryan Wiggs'.

In the blue half of Manchester, superfan Noel Gallagher was declaring his undying love for Carlos Tevez. The former Oasis guitarist insisted that not only was he going to spoil his ballot paper by writing 'Tevez is God' on it, but was also planning to name his unborn son after the Argentine striker, whether wife Sara likes it or not.

"If it's a boy, he's definitely (going to be called) - Sara doesn't know this yet - Carlos. Yeah, without a doubt. Or just Tevez. Tevez Gallagher. Sara doesn't know, but I'll nip to Marylebone Register Office when she's having a nap."

If I was her, I'd turn the tables, wait till the old man's safely ensconced in the boozer and go and register the child as 'Liam'.

Staying with celebrity fans and Lily Allen had nothing to Smile about as her beloved, Brave Fulham (copyright) fell at the final hurdle in the Europa League, the victims of a double hit from grinning assassin Diego Forlan.

Like most of the nation, I was a Cottager for the night (just as I'll be a Pompey fan on Saturday) and was gutted they missed out on the big prize.

One spot of light relief was provided by the sight of Hugh Grant being served drinks in the stands, looking for all the world as if he was on the balcony of his holiday villa rather than at a major European football final. Not only did his butler know he was there, it appeared Hugh had brought him along.

A Fulham fan called airfix_9 hit back at the famous opposition chant on Quotes of the Week last week, declaring: "Not all of us have butlers, thank you. Personally, I have to make do with a valet." Nice.

Roy Hodgson is gradually beginning to fill the nicest-man-in-football void left by Sir Bobby Robson, but the only other country he'll be visiting with Fulham next season is Wales, should Cardiff win the play-offs.

The Bluebirds reached the final after a dramatic penalty shoot-out defeat of Leicester (have you noticed that 'penalty shoot-out' is always preceded by the word 'dramatic')?

The Foxes' fate was effectively sealed the moment Yann Kermorgant decided to chip his spot-kick so softly that keeper David Marshall had time to dive the wrong way, have a chat with a bloke in the stands and smoke a cigar before saving it.

It was bad news for Leicester fan Gary Lineker, who lost a bet with his Cardiff- supporting wife that whoever's team lost would have to cook the dinner this Sunday. Expect it to be served up with plenty of whine.

Cardiff will be playing Blackpool in the final after a DJ Campbell hat-trick stunned Nottingham Forest. Manager Ian Holloway, when interviewed the following day, manfully resisted the urge to say "Last night a DJ saved my life" but if his side do win promotion to the promised land a week Saturday, the following Monday will surely be classified as a Bank Ollie Day.
Singing the blues - Jermaine and his amazing tongue
Congratulations also to Leeds United, who finally made it out of League One after beating Bristol Rovers, thanks to Jermaine Beckford and his strangely blue tongue. Answers on a postcard please.

Text of the week was sent by Jose Mourinho to his former captain John Terry after Chelsea's title win. It simply read 'Champagne'. He's class in a glass, that bloke.

And finally, the big story of the week, for England fans at least, was the announcement of the provisional World Cup squad. There were a few eyebrows raised at Jamie Carragher's inclusion, but Fabio Capello clearly rates him - in fact he'd probably give him eight out of 10.

Right, that's it for another week - and as you probably know by now, it really will be it after next Friday. Have a good weekend one and all. I'll be spending Sunday with the other half and two of her Liverpool-supporting mates, surgically attaching myself to my kids, just in case there are any brainwashing plans afoot.

You can follow me on Twitter - which I'll be using to send out lots of silly stuff once the blog comes to an end.

"The missus was going 'who are you voting for' and I said 'I'm not voting for anyone'. I'm just going to take my voting card and I'm going to put in massive letters 'Tevez is God' and throw it in the polling station. I'm voting Tevez."
Noel Gallagher blows a big X to his Manchester City idol.

At 68, when you go to sleep at night, all you want to do is wake up in the morning."
Sir Alex Ferguson is feeling his age.

"I work here four or five months and I think when you build a house you don't
start from the roof but the basement. We work very well, but we are near the
roof."
Roberto Mancini on his renovation of Manchester City.

"It was the boringest round to watch. I apologise to all the TV viewers."
Phil Mickelson says sorry to the public for his performance at the Players Championship, but should perhaps be directing his apologies to the Plain English Campaign.

"It was great to hear from him. He'll be getting my shirt but I won't be getting his sheepskin coat!"
Barnet striker Albert Adomah after getting a good luck message from celebrity fan John Motson before the game. The Bees beat Rochdale and stayed up.

"I'm more nervous than I was during the World Cup final."
Motty feels the pressure at Underhill.

"I didn't play with any of this South African team growing up. I'm a lot younger than them. They are all over the hill in that team!"
England's latest South African recruit, Craig Kieswetter, puts the boot into his countrymen.

"Wayne Rooney is the best striker in England. Well, he is the best English striker."
Didier Drogba pays Rooney a big compliment, followed by a medium-sized one.
(WRCC, UK)

"He's been one of the best centre backs/full backs for the past 12 decades."
Michael Owen discussing the merits of Jamie Carragher making the England squad.
(Andy Smith, UK)

"Webber has had the best weekend of his life, on top of his team-mate all weekend."
On Radio 5 live F1 coverage. Not sure Sebastian Vettel would have enjoyed it that much!
(Dave Harrington-Wright, Wales)

"My heart says Leicester, because I'm ex-Leicester and I love the place. But my head just favours Cardiff, because they have Championship players."
Steve Claridge on the Leicester-Cardiff play-off game. Don't they both have Championship players?!
(Michael Searle, Cardiff)
Coming on for Motherwell...
"All we need now is a unicorn to come on and scramble home an equaliser for the resurgent 'Well."
Thomas McGuigan comments on Motherwell's game with Hibs when the score was 6-5. Lucas 'Unicorn' Jutkiewicz promptly responded with the equaliser.
(Dave P, Macclesfield)

"Bradley Johnson's cross deceives the Rovers defence and Jermaine Pennant is in the right place to bury the loose ball for his 33rd goal of the season."
BBC live text on Saturday, as Jermaine Pennant flies in from Spain to help Leeds' promotion bid.
(John Matthews, UK)

"Dexter Blackstock only needs one more goal to finish with the most he's ever scored in a season. He's currently on 14, a total he's reached before."
Sky Sports commentator during the first leg of the Blackpool-Forest play-off.
(Cliff Watkinson, England)

"The wind coming off the North Sea today is going to make conditions difficult for both teams."
Uttered by the commentator during the Blackpool-Forest play-off game. Think his geography was a bit wrong.
(Allen McDermitt, UK)
He's right - it's the Irish Sea on that side - unless it was a particularly strong wind -Ed.

"Gomes is beaten all ends up by that shot. But he's not and he saves it."
Chris Kamara on Sky.
(Chris, UK)

"I am two-time Commonwealth champion, a two-time British champion, I beat Mike Tyson and fought for a world title. I have more British and Commonwealth title defences than the late Henry Cooper, so I've done all right."
Danny Williams on his pending retirement. Blimey. Is our 'Enry dead?
(Theo, London)
Don't worry, folks - Sir 'Enry is alive and well - Ed.

"The boss just said 'If you win tonight you'll be immortal for the rest of your lives'."
Rangers legend Derek Johnstone on a TV programme about Rangers' 1972 Cup Winners' Cup victory, when asked about the pre-match team-talk.
(Gerry Creechan, Scotland)

"So we knew if we scored, and kept a clean sheet, we would win the game."
Oxford United striker James Constable following United's 2-0 play off victory over Rushden & Diamonds.
(Martin Watkins, England)

Q. "Do you feel sometimes like you want to be inconspicuous, or do you like your popularity?"
Andrey Arshavin: "Yes, I would like to become an owner of a magic hat that makes you invisible."
Arshavin's been at it again on his website!
(Dovi Brom, South Africa)

"We'll have to take it on the chin. It's a real body blow."
Barry Hearn shows off his knowledge of anatomy on 5 live, talking about the betting allegations against John Higgins.
(Mike James, UK)

"Pietersen is on the charge and on the pull!"
David 'Bumble' Lloyd while commentating on the England-Pakistan T20 match. Watch out ladies!
(Ellie, England)
Think the only thing KP will be pulling for the next year is dirty nappies off his baby boy - Ed.
Altogether now...tra-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la
John Champion: "Looks like some fans have come to this game dressed as Martians."
Joe Royle: "I think they are dressed as Smurfs, actually."
John Champion: "It's quite sad you know that, Joe."
ESPN commentators at the Arsenal-Blackburn game, when three Blackburn fans dressed as Smurfs were seen walking to their seats.
(DMX-170)

"Great cross from Walcott, but Carlos Vela Berbatoved it."
Commentary on Fox Soccer Channel when Vela missed an open goal.
(Libby Curran, USA)

"I am a prima donna, and diplomacy has no place in my house."
Antonio Cassano explains why he will reject a World Cup call-up by Marcello Lippi (he is getting married in the summer).
(SimplyZola)

"Next season, I'd like to be standing here and offering you a drink, but as it is, the cupboard's bare, and all I can do is offer you a cup of tea."
Colchester boss Aidy Boothroyd to BBC Essex reporter, after a disappointing end to the season.

And...

"Robbie Cowling (the Chairman) doesn't have a golden goose, so you might see me busking outside Woolworths in Colchester!"
Boothroyd on the prospects of signing loanee Kevin Lisbie.
(completeuttermadnessCUFC)
Woolworths?! Ed

"You could say Watson's contribution has been elementary."
Mark Lawrenson talking about Wigan's Ben Watson on 5 live, during their 8-0 defeat to Chelsea.
(Yellows)

"You're getting sacked in the morning!"
Stoke fans to Sir Alex Ferguson at Old Trafford after hearing news of the goal-fest at Stamford Bridge.

"Can we play you every week?"
Blackpool fans after winning at Forest to book their spot in the play-off finals.

"You have no history."
The Anfield faithful taunt Chelsea fans.

"You're ancient history!"
Chelsea fans respond.
(Steve Cohen, UK, and Zell)

"We've saved your history!"
Chelsea fans after winning 2-0 at Anfield, virtually guaranteeing that Man Utd would not overhaul Liverpool's league titles record.
(Chris Gill, UK)
You can take the man out of the Hammers...
"Tevez loves us more than you!"
West Ham fans after Carlos Tevez did an 'Irons' sign with his arms during the Man City game.
(Wurzel, UK)

Cardiff fans: "There's only one team in Wales!"
Derby fans: "Wrexham! Wrexham! Wrexham!"

Cardiff fans: "You're in the shadow of the Forest."
Derby fans: "You're in the shadow of the Wrexham!"
Banter at Pride Park.
(Gemma, Derby)

"Ten more, we only want 10 more!"
Hull City fans after scoring at Wigan, needing two massive wins at the end of the season to avoid relegation.
(Joe, England)

"Twelve more, we only want 12 more!"
Hull City fans not giving up hope in the 2-2 draw at Wigan.
(Dave Alden, UK)
So how many did they need? Not that it matters now, of course - Ed.

"We'll meet again, don't know where, don't know when. But I know we'll meet again some sunny day."
Hull City fans at their last Premier League away match at Wigan.
(Dave Alden, UK)

"If you can't get a bird, get a drum!"
Hull City fans to the Wigan drummer at the DW Stadium.
(Dave Alden, UK)

"Rich Brodie, Brodie
He's not got much hair, you see,
But he's got us to Wembley,
Rich Brodie, Brodie."
York fans in homage to star striker Richard Brodie after the second leg of the Luton-York play-off semi-final.
(rocknrollnobody)

"We're rich and we're going down!"
Burnley fans during the game against Birmingham. Good that we still have a sense of humour, I guess.
(Col029)
Are Burnley that rich? Ed.

"We've still got a job!"
Me and my fellow staff at Barnet, after the club beat Rochdale to avoid relegation which would probably have led to job cuts.
(Kenny Lomas, England)

"Chants of the week, you're having a laugh!"
Tonbridge Baseball Club fans express their surprise at being included in the BBC Chants of the Week section a couple of weeks ago, during Tonbridge's defeat by Guildford Mavericks.
(Steven, England)
Happy to be of service! Ed.

"Operation Goodison, exercise commence."
Tannoy announcement at Everton v Portsmouth on Sunday. All the Pompey fans immediately started doing star jumps! Pompey fans will be missed!
(Harty, England)

"Can you please leave the field of play and return to the stands...
Can you please leave the field of play and return to the...
...look, I'm dying for a wee and I want to go home, so please just leave the field!"
Stadium announcer at Accrington Stanley's Crown Ground following a pitch invasion after their final home game of the season against Chesterfield.
(Rodge, Accrington)

"We may not be champions, but we can cook risotto."
Carlisle fans at Delia Smith's Norwich.
(JJ, England)

"AFC Bournemouth 1, Football League 0."
Shown at Dean Court after AFC Bournemouth were promoted, despite a 16-month transfer embargo and 27 points deducted over the last three years.
(Adrian, UK)

"Rhinos' Burrow Out For 12 Weeks."
From the BBC Sport RSS Feed. I didn't know Rhinos could dig!
(Jim, England)
Nor did I - although I do dig rhinos - Ed.

This is the last Quotes of the Week this year and, sadly, it will not be returning next season. Thanks for all your comments over the past nine years - I couldn't have done it without you. I'll be signing off with the traditional Chants of the Season next week.

And please keep sending your quotes, chants and stadium announcements to the usual email address for the time being, as I will be conveying them via the medium of Twitter from now on. So if you haven't done so already, sign up to my Twitter page and be prepared for a load of old nonsense.

Tottenham's win at Eastlands saw them clinch the final Champions League spot, just 19 months after Redknapp arrived with the team bottom of the league, having taken just two points from eight games, although he never likes to talk about that.

In a game laden with potential riches, Peter Crouch was the $60m dollar man who sent his team-mates bionic, although he disappointingly failed to pull out the robot for his goal celebrations. Perhaps he's saving that for the World Cup final. Ahem.

The Spurs boss is not a big fan of the demon drink, but you can bet he'll make an exception this weekend when he dons his best whistle to take the trouble and strife daaan the rub-a-dub for a bottle of Calvin Klein and a plate of pie and mash. Mind you, any thoughts of such hi-jinks must have been a long way from his mind when Crouchy hit the beans on toast early doors.
Champions League that way!
In the interests of balance, I watched the game in a Spurs pub with a Man City fan, who, I have to say, took the defeat remarkably graciously. Although when one of the locals crowed about where they had finished in the league, I swore I heard him mumble: "Go fourth and multiply."

In the wake of Tottenham's win, all the old boys from the glory, glory days were being wheeled out to give their verdict on the first European Cup appearance since 1962, when Sean Connery was starring in his first Bond film and the term Fab Four had nothing to do with league positions

The 'Spurs mafia' in this office were predictably out in full force, handing out cakes and pointing out that their proud tradition of lifting a trophy when the year ends in one means the Champions League trophy is virtually in the bag. Not so sure about that, although if it means Chas 'n' Dave reunite to do another song, I'm all for it.

While 'Arry was working his magic in Manchester, his former club West Ham were rolling out the claret and blue carpet for their former stars attending Academy Director Tony Carr's testimonial.

Rio Ferdinand played 27 minutes alongside brother Anton, while the Chelsea trio of Joe Cole, John Terry and Frank Lampard sat giggling on the sidelines in their Hammers tops.

They all got a decent reception, much to Frank's surprise, although as 'clawhammer' on West Ham fan site Knees Up Mother Brown, put it: "Terry & Lampard both went up in my estimation because it took some balls to turn up, never mind sign autographs. I still think they are both *$!%@ but fair play to them."

It'll certainly be interesting to hear the treatment they get the next time they visit Upton Park, but you can bet that if Chelsea contrive to lose their next two games, they'll be treated to choruses of "You're forever blowing doubles."

Ferdinand, meanwhile, told Four FourTwo magazine that he planned to join Duran Duran for a re-recording of 'Rio' if he lifts the World Cup in July.

The band already have plans in place to re-touch the song should the England captain return home a winner, but Rio insisted: "I want to be the front man! Simon Le Bon's gone. Just give me a couple of bars."

Can I humbly suggest that in the unlikely event England do win the World Cup, the only bars the fans will be interested in will have already been drunk dry.

In the same magazine, Wayne Rooney revealed the secret behind his magnificent season - chocolate breakfast cereal. The striker said: "I tend to just have cereal before a game, probably a bowl of Coco Pops. The normal ones, not the Moons and Stars." Good to see that fatherhood has matured him.

One player who may have to build a few bridges with Rooney in South Africa is Steven Gerrard, after his crazy backpass let in Didier Drogba to set up Chelsea's win at Anfield and all but clinch the title.

The incident inevitably sparked conspiracy theories about the skipper doing everything in his power to stop Manchester United overhauling Liverpool's record of league titles,

Sir Alex Ferguson called it "a great gift" and was probably none too amused by banners dotted around Anfield reading 'Cockneys for a day' and 'Gary Neville or Chelsea?'

Fergie's former assistant Steve McClaren answered his critics in style by leading FC Twente to their first-ever Dutch league title. It rained during their 2-0 win at NAC Breda, but McClaren wisely chose not to get out the brolly on this occasion.

In other news, Sheffield Wednesday's relegation meant Brian Laws has had a hand in taking two clubs down this season - he'll be known as the Laws of average from now on - while Coventry parted company with Chris Coleman...that's the way the Cookie crumbles.

There was better news for Ian Holloway's Blackpool, who qualified for the play-offs, although the result of the week was undoubtedly the 6-6 draw between Motherwell and Hibs, a scoreline that had people rubbing their eyes in disbelief. I remember when QPR drew 5-5 against Newcastle in the 80s after being 4-0 down at half-time, but this takes the biscuit.
Kirk Bradley and his tattoo (pic credit News Team International)
And finally, story of the week concerns the Manchester City fan who thought it was a good idea to get a large tattoo last year depicting his club as the 2011 Champions League winners.

Kirk Bradley remarked at the time: "While I was in the pub one night I was saying how I thought we'd win the Champions League next season and my friend turned to me and said 'if you're so sure why don't you have it tattooed?'

"He was obviously joking, so you can imagine his face when I turned around and said 'OK then'. Indeed.

The 25-year-old was asked what would happen if City didn't win the Champions League and he added: "I don't even want to think about it - and I don't think I'll have to. I'm sure I would get a lot of stick from my mates though." Surely not?

Right, that's it. No more football for us Championship also-rans, which is doubly gutting after I was forced to miss last week's finale against Newcastle due to my eldest being poorly.

I did, however, make it out to the Camden Crawl on Sunday, where I was bizarrely served drinks in the Dublin Castle by Amy Winehouse, while the lead singer of Babybird pointed me out to the crowd and kindly announced that Danny Dyer was in the building. I think I preferred the Craig Charles comparisons.

You can also follow me on Twitter. Go on, you know you want to - I'm lagging behind everyone else!

"It was a great gift."
Sir Alex Ferguson on the calamitous back-pass from Steven Gerrard that virtually handed Chelsea the title.

"Muhammad Ali is one hell of a fighter, but Floyd Mayweather is the best. Sugar Ray Robinson is one hell of a fighter, but Floyd Mayweather is the best." Mayweather talks about one of his favourite subjects - himself - ahead of his fight with Shane Mosley.

"I went to wave at a few fans and almost got strangled. I wish I hadn't brought my wife as she nearly got beat up!"
Blackpool manager Ian Holloway takes his life - and his wife - in his hands after celebrating his team's place in the play-offs.

"When I came here I was promised a bonus if I kept the team in the division. If we go up I'd better check I'm still eligible for it!"
Holloway on the downside of winning promotion to the promised land.

"That's his biggest break of the afternoon so far, Dennis!"
Ken Doherty after Mark Selby broke a glass before resuming his quarter-final match with Ronnie O'Sullivan.

"You need to get your eyes tested!"
O'Sullivan to referee Leo Scullion, after he called 'touching ball' in the match with Selby.

"Please welcome snooker's finest ambassador...the ultimate king of the 80s with six world titles. Still a force to be reckoned with now, in his 50s. Ladies and gentlemen, he's a legend - Dennis Taylor!"
Snooker World Championship MC Rob Walker introduces....Steve Davis.
(Click link above to watch Walker's mix-up)

"He's a Geordie, he's down to earth, and it's all about facts with him, not emotions. Don't mess with this geezer - he ain't got a sense of humour."
Snooker supremo Barry Hearn on the recuitment of ex-Scotland Yard chief super David Douglas to lead the investigation into allegations of match-fixing.

"We'll lock him up in a room or something so he can't go!"
Fulham keeper Mark Schwarzer on the desperate measures needed to keep hold of manager Roy Hodgson.

"Last season, we finished second and they wrote a book about it called 'It's A Miracle'. We are champions and that's more than a miracle!"
Steve McClaren - more than a miracle worker - after leading FC Twente to their first Dutch title.

"If Manchester want to have him, they have to sign over two oil fields to us. Or cart over at least two big lorries tightly packed full of English banknotes."
Borussia Dortmund managing director Hans-Joachim Watzke on what it will take for Manchester United to prise Neven Subotic away.

"I did think about singing, yeah. But I wasn't sure what the fans were singing, so I would have got tongue-tied. I could have done a wee 'Mr Blue Sky or something.
Birmingham boss - and ELO fan - Alex McLeish thankfully resists the urge to do a Phil Brown with the mic after Blues' last home game.

Let's hear it for the Boy
"I remember seeing Boy George sing for the first time and having a debate with my mates as to whether it was a boy or a girl. The fact he was called Boy George was a bit of a clue."
Matt Le Tissier on his 80s dilemma.

"I looked a bit of a wally to be honest, but I'll take that. No offence to ginger people but I'd play in a ginger wig if it meant me playing for this club."
Dagenham striker Paul Benson after scoring against Hereford while wearing a Phantom of the Opera-style mask to protect his broken nose.

"I've lived here for seven years and watched it twice. It's even worse than French TV."
Arsenal's Gael Clichy - not an EastEnders fan.

"England can have the Ashes and I'll take the snooker World Championship."
Newly-crowned Aussie World Snooker champion Neil Robertson.
Sounds fair to me - Ed.

"We've won seven out the last eight league games, and we can't do any more than that."
Harry Redknapp ahead of Spurs' clash with Manchester United.

Q. "Hi, Andrey! My question will seem stupid, but I want to know. Why do players play football in boots rather than in other footwear? You're so handsome! You're the best! YOU ARE SUPER!!!!"
Arshavin: "It's better than playing in fins or on skates."
Another gem from the Arsenal star on his website.
(South African Devil)

"Chelsea should be very happy that Kyrgiakos has the ball. He is like a geek bearing gifts!"
Mark Lawrenson on 5 live's coverage of Liverpool-Chelsea.
(davep, UK)
But will the geek inherit the Earth? Ed.

"If you expose the opposition's weaknesses enough, then, in the end, those weaknesses will be exposed." Blackburn boss Sam Allardyce stating the obvious after beating the mighty Arsenal.
(Patrick, UK)

Commentator 1: "Looks like he's pulled his groin and has to come off."
Commentator 2: "Yeah, he must have done it during the one or two touches he's had in this game..."
Commentators describing Maxi Rodriguez's impact after 43 mins during Liverpool v Chelsea.
(Eric7sson, Australia)

"This chance is unmissable and well, er, he misses it!"
Alan Hansen on Match of the Day 2 about Dimitar Berbatov's miss against Sunderland.
(Vickki, England)

Interviewer: "Teko, what's your favourite food?"
Teko: "It's hard, but I'm going to have to say breakfast."
Heard during an interview with South Africa and Orlando Pirates midfielder Teko Modise.
(Dovi Brom)

"After West Ham's loss, is it perfectly set up for Hull to win 22-0 away at Wigan tomorrow, meaning they can still stay up? Maybe not..."
Dan - AVFC - England2010 on 606.
(Joe, England)
Why use one word when two will do?
"I just want to say one simple word. Thank you."
Avram Grant in his speech to Portsmouth fans. I don't think maths is his strong point.
(Sam, England)

"I have been surprised so many times this year - so I am not surprised that I am surprised."
West Ham boss Gianfranco Zola about the bid for West Brom's Graham Dorrans.
(Bestie, Shrewsbury)

"If they don't get this, we're looking at a champagne super over!"
David Lloyd going all Oasis during the tense finale of the New Zealand v Sri Lanka Twenty20 opener.
(Jack Allen, UK)

"All I did was constantly beat whoever they put in front of me, I'm never going to get my just due. All these fighters they put in front of me, they've all been cake walks for me. I'm Floyd Mayweather - all the rest of them are just fighters."
'Money' Mayweather before the Shane Mosley fight.
(Theo, london)

"When you are at Arsenal, you are at Arsenal. When you are somewhere else, you are somewhere else."
Arsene Wenger on Andrey Arshavin's wish to one day play for Barcelona. Wow! Given deep insights like this, it's no wonder they call him "Le Professeur".
(Eef, Holland)

"There are those with commentators' eyes, and then there's Willie Thorne."
John Virgo on Willie Thorne calling the line of a plant wrong at the World Snooker Championship.
(Matt Riley, UK)

"After that (the Simon Davies goal), you just could smell it - Hamburg got very nervous."
From Chris Coleman after the Fulham-Hamburg game.
(MisterDav)

"The referee looks at his whistle."
Commentator Dave Woods, at the end of the first half of extra-time in the Liverpool-Atletico game. He blew his watch straight after!
(Greg Stewart, UK)

"It's difficult to find a defect on Mourinho, perhaps he is a little introverted but he is marvellous."
Inter MIlan president Massimo Moratti talking about Mourinho!
(Will Tofts, Leeds)
He is officially the first person ever to describe the Special One as an introvert - Ed.

"Tried on a pair of Speedos...absolute budgie crushers...a definite NO!"
David 'Bumble' Lloyd on Twitter while at the Caribbean for the World Twenty20.
(Anthony Ko, UK)

"We're just a town full of bigots!"
Rochdale fans in the wake of Gordon Brown's visit to the town and the subsequent 'Bigot-gate'.
(Dave Jones, England)
Eat your heart out, Jamo

"Tina, Tina, give us a wave!"
Wolves fans take the mickey out of David James' 'Tina Turner' afro at Portsmouth.
(Basunu)

"Carlo, Carlo, give us a wave!"
Chelsea fans at Anfield.

No reaction.

"Booooooooooooo!"
Chelsea fans show their mock displeasure.

Ray Wilkins stands up and translates in Ancelotti's ear. Carlo proceeds to wave at every word that sounds like 'Carlo' for five minutes.
(John H, UK)

"We are back on Fifa, We are back on Fifa, nah nah nah nah!"
Inverness CT fans celebrate promotion back to the SPL and the world of gaming.
(Ryan Johnston, Scotland)

"One goal, we only want one goal!"
Sang by Leeds fans, seconds before Charlton's Akpo Sodje obliged. Perhaps they should have been a bit more specific in their chant?
(Dave, England)

"We're forever reaching finals, reaching finals in Hamburg.
"We'll be on the beer while they'll be stuck here
"Watching Eastenders with their old dear
"We'll be on the Reeperbahn, they'll still be in Dagenham
"We're forever reaching finals, reaching finals in Hamburg!"
Fulham fans' response to the Hammers' "Bubbles" chant.
(Chris Jones, England)

"He's young, he's flash, he fills the air with ash. Sigurdsson, Sigurdsson!"
Reading fans' tribute to their Icelandic midfielder.
(Martin, UK)

"Boom, boom, boom, let me here you say Ba-le Ba-le!"
Spurs fans to Gareth Bale.
(Mus, UK)

"Que sera sera, whatever will be, will be, we're going to Shrewsbury, que sera sera."
Southend and Stockport fans look on the bright side of relegation.
(Bearded Shrimper, UK)

"Are you Jersey in disguise?"
Guernsey fans to Liverpool's county league representative team, when we went 5-2 up to win the FA NLS trophy.
(Leon Robertson, Guernsey)

PA announcer plays the first few seconds of six or seven songs....

"Excuse me, I'm just trying to find something here."

Another song comes and goes and he continues skipping through, track after track...

"And after all that, it wasn't even there."
Matchday announcer at Glentoran v Clitonville.
(Conor)

"Good afternoon and welcome to Stainton Park - and if anyone from the BBC is here, I am available this summer."
Tannoy announcer from Radcliffe Borough against Harrogate Railway, after he was mentioned in last week's Quotes of the Week.
(James Heyes)

Add any quotes, chants, stadium announcements etc below or by using the old school email postform.

You can also follow me on Twitter.

While the Prime Minister woke up to headlines of 'Brown Toast', Hodgson was using his loaf to mastermind Fulham's dramatic Europa League semi-final win over Hamburg at the Cottage.

I had a feeling Fulham's name was on the Cup the moment they produced that stirring fightback against Juventus in the last 16 - note to Gordon, that's how you put the Old Lady in her place.

Atletico supporters are preparing for the big day by looking up the Spanish for 'Does your butler know you're here' - a favourite anti-Fulham chant to which celebrity fan Hugh Grant presumably always replies: "Er, yes."

Incredibly, their other famous supporter, Lily Allen, chose not to tweet about her club's finest hour, although the word on the street is that she's busy writing their Cup final song, working title FLM.

While they'll be dancing in the aisles of Harrods this weekend, spare a thought for Liverpool fans, who saw their side cruelly dumped out of the Europa League by a late strike from former Manchester United cult hero Diego Forlan.

The Reds have still got an outside chance of qualifying for the Champions League if they beat Chelsea on Sunday, but in doing so they would almost certainly allow United to overhaul their record of league titles. Think that's what you call a no-win situation.

My other half was feeling a tad under the weather on Thursday night and went to bed with her beloved Liverpool seemingly cruising into the final. I hadn't got the heart to break the news to her before I left for work on Friday, although it's fair to say it's unlikely my tea will be on the table when I get in.

One of the few bright spots was the performance of Alberto Aquilani - in stark contrast to the first leg, where a tweeter purporting to be Lucas Leiva (it isn't) wrote: "One-and-a-half hour journey. Aquilani decided to stand up for the whole duration of the way back. He can't face another 90 minutes sitting down."

If results go against the Reds over the next fortnight, they may not even qualify for the Europa League, although England could have an unlikely representative in next season's competition.

There's a Fair Play League spot up for grabs and if Fulham win in Hamburg, the next best-placed club is relegated Burnley, meaning the Clarets could conceivably be playing Huddersfield one week and AC Milan the next - a bit of season-ticket sales spin even Alastair Campbell would be proud of.

Burnley were all but joined in the Championship by Hull, where for once Iain Dowie's famed 'bouncebackability' deserted him. I say for once, he also got relegated with Crystal Palace, Charlton and Newcastle. Pity the poor bellboy who innocently enquires "Going down?" the next time Dowie finds himself in a hotel lift.

Congratulations to Bournemouth, who joined Notts County and Rochdale in League One, while it's squeaky bum time for Grimsby, who are clinging on to their league status by their fingertips. Their precarious position sparked an extraordinary online rant from Mariners fan Poojah on Grimsby site The Fishy, most of which is unrepeatable, although it would be rude not to give you a (heavily edited) taste:

"For starters, work can (get lost). If they think I'm going to be there on Monday morning they've got another thing coming. No way am I going in to spend time dealing with (idiots) that I can barely stand being with when I'm in a good mood....

"Dad, you can (go away). This is your fault. Your idea. You introduced me to this shower of (manure). 'Come with me to Blundell Park,' you said, 'Come and support the boys.' What could I do? I was (flipping) four, what choice did I have? Why not get me hooked on heroin whilst you were at it? I could have gone with mum shopping for bras and knickers at British Home Stores, but no, you knew best....

"The girlfriend can definitely (go away). Her best attempt at consolation - "I don't know why you're bothered; you knew they were (rubbish) anyway". Yes love, but they're MY (rubbish) team.....

"The radio can (go away) . On my way home from the match, whilst driving down the M180, I caught three completely separate stations playing 'Down' by Jay Sean at the exact same (flipping) time. The song's the best part of a year old, how the (hell) does that happen by coincidence?!"

Well, you get the picture. Other targets for abuse include Barrow, the World Cup, his local pizza place and his nan's old lucky Buddha. Yet if Grimsby beat relegation rivals Barnet on Saturday and win their last game, while Barnet lose theirs, they can stay up. I look forward to reading part two should that scenario arise.
The charge of the white brigade (see below)
Quote of the week goes to 5 live summariser Pat Nevin, who upon seeing Patrice Evra and Nani throwing up during Man Utd's win over Spurs, said: "I've never seen that happen before. I've seen it once or twice." While the top chant belonged to West Ham fans who shouted "Go compare!" to Rafa Benitez.

Elsewhere, Manchester United fans are preparing to fire up the Quattro, following rumours that their new strip will be going back to the 80s, while Portsmouth supporters are preparing to be ridiculed at Wembley after Aaron Mokoena revealed David James was designing their FA Cup suits, which would "surprise people". That's the same David James responsible for Liverpool's white Armani suits at the 1996 final with United.

And finally, I can't go without mentioning Jose Mourinho, who looked like the offspring of John Travolta's Saturday Night Fever character and the Duracell bunny as he leapt across the pitch to celebrate Inter Milan's stunning defeat of Barcelona. Fantastic drama, which means we can look forward to a Champions League final of Inter v Bayer Munich. It's the one they all wanted.

Right that's it. Have a good weekend one and all. I'm off to see QPR host Newcastle's end-of-season promotion party at Loftus Road. Can't wait.

P.S. Apologies for not replying to many people on Quotes of the Week (had to dash) and also for not including this email link to send in quotes etc.

You can also follow me on Twitter

"The way they are, tomorrow we will probably read I am to blame for the volcano. Maybe I have a friend in the volcano and I am responsible for that."
Jose Mourinho erupts after Barcelona express their disappointment at decisions in the first leg of their Champions League semi-final.

"He needs to show that he has understood how to play football and that he should leave the pitch dead. Of course he's not going home dead because he didn't run much."
Mourinho on his petulant young striker Mario Balotelli, booed by Inter fans after coming on as a sub and hardly breaking sweat.

"I walked in the park when United played (Spurs). Maybe Sir Alex Ferguson went to see a movie when we played (Stoke)."
Ancelotti following the 7-0 walk in the park against Stoke.
"I saw the defender on my left shoulder and I've just Cruyff-ed him and got a yard and put it in the corner."
Billy McKay after scoring for Northampton against Shrewsbury.
Johann prepares to Cruyff another opponent

"It will be my first best-of-25-frame match for four years but it's spread over three days so that's not too debilitating. It means I can get my Zimmer frame out and keep going back to the hotel room for a rest."
Steve Davis, ahead of his epic match with John Higgins at the World Snooker Championship.

"If you get to 9-7...you start seeing alarm bells then."
John Parrott sees sounds (and possibly hears colours) during the Ronnie O'Sullivan-Liang Wenbo match.

"I don't care whether he's the England captain or not - he has to go."
5 live's Graham Taylor after John Terry (not the England captain) was sent off against Spurs.

"That is it for the German porn star look, I'm afraid. It's gone for good because my missus just wasn't happy about it. She said she struggled to kiss me, even though she helped me dye the moustache in the first place. But I'll be keeping the mullet, even though I get loads of stick."
Coventry midfielder Aron Gunnarsson on the decision to shave off his dodgy lip caterpillar.

"It's hard to motivate yourself at this stage of the season, let alone the players. I had an extra glass of wine the night before the match, an extra fried egg. You do things you don't normally do."
Neil Warnock goes crazy ahead of QPR's game at Barnsley.

"It is a fantastic achievement. It's like swimming the Channel, doing the Tour De France and then climbing Everest."
Scunthorpe boss Nigel Adkins refuses to exaggerate his side's achievement of securing Championship safety.

"I didn't go to the hairdresser this week when I was meant to do and maybe it
was a good job I didn't."
Thomas Muller after claiming the slightest contact on Bayern Munich's Champions League semi-final first leg winner against Lyon.

"I don't know why Glenn Murray took the penalty. I suppose because he is our penalty taker."
Brighton boss Gus Poyet after Murray's miss from the spot against Gillingham.

"To know that I've tested positive as a result of a product that I used for
personal reasons is extremely difficult to wrap my hands around."
World and Olympic 400m champion LaShawn Merritt admits he used an over-the-counter male enhancement product.

"Rub that volcano dust out your eyes, lino!"
Hednesford fan at Stourbridge game in the Zamaretto League, following the linesman's decision not to give a goal that had clearly bounced over the line.
(Thomas Kay, UK)

"It's all about the length and this one doesn't look hard enough to me."
John Virgo commentating on John Higgins v Steve Davis after a Davis safety shot.
(Thomas Walker, Scotland)

Spot the ball
"Oh no! He's hit the beans on toast!"
Another Cockney classic from Paul Merson on Soccer Saturday as Jimmy Bullard's penalty against Sunderland hits the upright.
(Jonny Madill, Belfast)

"Nani has been phenomenal. Amazing talent and will only get better. Best winger in Premiership by far, with Valencia a close second."
Comment by "The Man From Wilmslow" on 606. How can he be the best by far with someone a close second?!
(George U, Bristol)

"They were far the better team, we were lucky to get nil. We had our pants pulled down and our backsides slapped."
Tony Pulis on Stoke's humiliating 7-0 defeat by Chelsea.
(Anthony Ko, UK)

"I've never seen that happen before. I've seen it once or twice."
Pat Nevin on 5 live during Man Utd-Tottenham, when Nani was sick.
(Jimbo, UK)

1st commentator: "That's just rubbing salt into the noses."
2nd commentator: "Isn't it rubbing noses into the salt?"
1st commentator: "Actually, I think it's rubbing salt into the wounds!"
Heard on BBC radio Humberside during Bradford Bulls v Hull KR.
(Chris Emery, England)

"In football, you have to keep focused for 90 minutes - especially against a team that has nothing to lose and is fighting to stay up like Wigan were today."
Arsene Wenger. Nothing to lose but still fighting for survival, eh?
(Milan Conkic, Serbia)

"I am still a baby as a manager and I am going to try to become a child next season. I will have to grow up."
West Brom manager Roberto Di Matteo in a newspaper interview.

"There are some of the best players in the world in the Premier League and certainly some of the best managers in the world, and don't forget there is also the Wolves and Mick McCarthy."
Another comment from Di Matteo.
(Garland, England)

"He pulled at one of our players' undercarriage and he bit others. This sounds more like the kind of treatment players get from female shop-assistants in nightclubs at the weekend than from opposing players on a matchday."
Aalesund manager Kjetil Rekdal after one of his players was allegedly bitten by Rosenborg's Anthony Annan in the Norwegian league. I wish I got this kind of treatment by females in nightclubs!
(Matt, Canada)

"We had 66% more corners than them"
Hull's Iain Dowie analyses the game with Aston Villa, where they had 11 corners to Villa's nine. Nice maths there, Iain!
(Greg, UK)

"And with us in the studio, the only Spurs player going to the FA Cup Final - Jamie O'Hara."
Sky's Richard Keys at the Portsmouth-Aston Villa match. O'Hara is on-loan at Pompey from Spurs.
(John Millard, England)

"No wonder this fullback scores this many goals. He gets himself into positions. Even when it's awkward, and it is awkward, 'cos it came at him awkwardly."
Andy Gray thought Maicon's goal was a bit awkward.
(Libby Curran, USA)

"The ball eventually comes to Pedro on the other side, and his overhead kick goes straight down Julio Cesar's throat."
From Caroline 'Cheesy' Cheese's live text commentary on Inter v Barca. That must have hurt!
(Luke D, England)

"He steals half a couple of inches."
BBC Oxford commentary as Adam Chapman prepares to take a free-kick in Oxford's 1-0 win against Wrexham.
(Ben Newcombe, UK)

Ribery knows how to win ugly
"However you look at it, that really was the ugly face of football from Franck Ribery."
BBC's very own Stevo with a bit of magic to brighten up a dull Wednesday evening.
(Sam Robinson, Wirral)

"You've gotta be careful when you're boxing away from home. You've gotta throw caution to the wind."
Carl Froch, directly after losing his WBC super-middleweight title to Mikkel Kessler.
(ThatSingingGuy)

Q: "Dear Andrey, I have an unusual question for you. I want to marry a football player in the future (they have great legs), I am a boxer. Do you think we'll manage to find common language?"

Arshavin: "This will be a dangerous mix. I think that your son will become be a kick-boxer."
Another gem from the Andrey Arshavin website.
(Mark, England)

"Super Luka, nuts are we
We're all Luka Loopy!"
Spurs salute Luka Modric, to the tune of Chas 'n' Dave's Snooker Loopy.

And...

"Danny, Danny Rose. Danny, Danny Rose."
Spurs fans to the tune of Boney M's Daddy Cool.
(Matt, UK)

"Happy birthday to you,
"Happy birthday to you,
"Happy birthday dear Bury,
"Happy birthday to you!"
Bury fans singing at Lincoln, celebrating the club's 125th birthday.
(Sam, England)

"We're once, twice, three times the champions and I lo-o-o-ve you!"
Hetton Lyons CC beating Magnet Tavern, winning their 3rd FA Sunday Cup at Anfield.
(Umar Ahmed, England)

"Whoaaaahh-oh, Drury's on fire!"
Tonbridge Baseball Club fans to batter Shaun Drury after he hit five from five in a remarkable turn of form, to the tune of Sex on Fire.
(Steven, England)

"Sean Thornton, Thornton.
He likes to go on the lash,
He's better than Fabregas.
Sean Thornton, Thornton."
Leyton Orient fans to playmaker Sean Thornton.
(Danny, England)

"United! United!"
Blackpool fans at Peterborough when news filtered through that Sheffield United had gone 1-0 up against play-off rivals Swansea... the Peterborough United supporters looked a tad bemused!
The future's bright - but is it tangerine?
"We're going to Liverpool, you're going to Hartlepool."
Blackpool fans taunt the Posh.
(Dan Raistrick, Blackpool)

"Incey's on the golf course! Incey's on the golf course! La La La La!"
MK Dons fans sing about their former manager at Elland Road.
(Matt, England)

"Que Sera Sera, whatever will be, will be, we're going to St Mary's!"
Bournemouth fans after gaining promotion to League One, where they will be playing south coast rivals Southampton.
(Woody, England)

"You might be going up, but our tannoy's been on the Beeb!!"
Radcliffe Borough fans against promoted Lancaster City. The tannoy announcer for the Boro has appeared a few times in Quotes of the Week!
(James Heyes, England)

"Going up and we've paid our bills!"
Rochdale fans to Notts County at the game between the newly-promoted League Two sides.
(Slim Cyril, UK)

"Oh Ledley, Ledley,
He's only got one knee,
He's faster than John Terry,
Oh Ledley, Ledley."
Tottenham fans pay tribute to Ledley King.
(JONSPURS, UK)

"We've got a bigger pier than you!
Southend fans against Brighton (and anytime we play other seaside opposition).
(James Rigby)

"As the scores stand, Swansea would drop out of the play-off places, what a shame, eh?"
Stadium announcer at Cardiff, after announcing Blackpool were 1-0 up and Swansea were 1-0 down.
(Lewis Derry, Cardiff)

"Love Glazer, Hate United."
City fans at the Manchester derby.
(Thruthickthruthin)

Add any chants or quotes you've heard by adding them to the bottom of this page or by using this email link .

You can also follow me on Twitter

Paul Scholes' last-gasp winner at Eastlands, followed by Tottenham's defeat of Chelsea, left me looking like a prize plonker after confidently stating last week that the Blues were "on the verge of their first title success since the departure of the Special One".

I also tipped Millwall to win automatic promotion (they lost to Huddersfield five hours later), so while I'm on a roll, I'm going to predict that England have got no chance of winning the World Cup, QPR won't get promoted next season and I definitely won't be collecting the Euromillions jackpot later on.

Tottenham visit Old Trafford this weekend, brimming with confidence after disposing of their two sworn enemies within the space of four days. The 'Spurs mafia' in this office have been incorrigible ever since - the last time I saw anyone get that excited about fourth place was when my nan had 10p each way on The Pilgarlic in the 1977 Grand National.

As for Chelsea, they continue to take two steps forward and one back - or in John Terry's case, several steps forward, all the way to the dressing room. The skipper had already given a penalty away before picking up his second yellow, but at least he got a nice warm reception from the Spurs fans as he headed down the tunnel.

As match analyst Graham Taylor put it: "I don't care whether he's the England captain or not - he has to go." Although quite what Rio Ferdinand had to do with it is anyone's guess.

According to the Mail on Sunday, Chelsea have already been making inquiries about an open-top bus parade in the event of winning the Premier League title, but any more slip-ups and they might be holding it after the Lord Mayor's Show.

As the race for the title/fourth place enters the home straight, lots of fans are going to find themselves in the strange position of supporting teams they would rather not.
Manchester United will be rooting for Liverpool against Chelsea, Liverpool could be cheering on Chelsea at Anfield, Tottenham will be backing Arsenal against Man City, and the Gunners may be hoping Spurs see off United.

One person who won't be seen off any time soon is Sir Alex Ferguson, who was quick to scotch rumours that he would be retiring after next season, telling Her Majesty's Press: "You'll be gone before me, don't you worry!" In other words, he had been considering his future, but was forced to issue a statement after an unimpressed Lady F got wind of his plans.

Fergie's old sparring partner, Arsene Wenger, was up to his old tricks at Wigan, booting a water bottle after seeing his side throw away a two-goal lead as Charles N'Zogbia scored a late winner (at least I think it was him). After the game, the exasperated Frenchman snapped: "I don't know who will win the title now - and I don't care." So there.

Wenger's mood softened later in the week when he was asked about transfer targets for next season. He said: "I might have to sign Real Madrid's cast-offs. Maybe it's worth waiting outside their stadium and seeing what players they let go."

One player who has blossomed since leaving the Bernabeu is Wesley Sneijder, who scored in Inter Milan's 3-1 defeat of Barcelona - a result which prompted the headline of the week in the Mirror: 'Lionel Twitchy'.

There were rumbles of discontent within the Barca camp about Jose Mourinho's instructions not to water the pitch, while the Special One was quick to pounce on suggestions that the long coach trip may have taken its toll on the visitors.
Look into my eyes, not around the eyes
Mourinho said: "The way they are, tomorrow we will probably read I am to blame for the volcano. Maybe I have a friend in the volcano and I am responsible for that."

He then turned his attentions to his petulant young striker Mario Balotelli, booed by Inter fans after coming on as a sub and hardly breaking sweat. Mourinho said: "He needs to show that he has understood how to play football and that he should leave the pitch dead. Of course he's not going home dead because he didn't run much."

The rest of the Inter players did put in the hard graft, although if we are to take Mourinho at his word, he could have a few selection problems for the second leg.

Liverpool and Fulham did not appear to be too affected by their epic bus journeys, gaining respectable results in Madrid and Hamburg. Although, if you believe the paper talk, the next journey the Liverpool coach will be making is to Juventus.

I missed the Barca match in favour of attending QPR-Watford with fellow-blogger Derek 'Robbo' Robson. I can confirm his account of me inexplicably dropping two full pints and also the fact that he really does moan as much in real life.

Still, given that the ball was in the air so much it came down with volcanic ash on it, I can't blame him.

In the Premier League, Blackburn midfielder Morten Gamst Pedersen got a poke in the eye from Everton's Mikel Arteta, reminiscent of the famous Murray Walker/Nigel Mansell incident, while Bolton's Gary Cahill has been quite literally taking a ribbing from his team-mates.

The defender had a rib removed to help him recover from a blood clot and ever since, his loving colleagues have been buying Chinese meals and sending him pictures of spare ribs from their phones. Although it's when he starts receiving snaps of prawn balls that he really needs to worry.

And finally, let's hear it for the Metropolitan Police football team, who I've just discovered run on to that classic Clash number I Fought The Law (And The Law Won). Marvellous.

Right, that's it - have a good weekend one and all - I'll be spending it looking after small children while the other half is away ...could be a long two days.

You can also follow me on Twitter.

"You have to dust it off like dandruff and show what you can do."
Birmingham manager Alex McLeish issues a rallying call after his side's flaky performance against Manchester City.

"I know Drogba is a world-class player, but he could play world-class volleyball on that evidence."
Bolton boss Owen Coyle gives a verbal volley to Didier Drogba, after the Chelsea striker's handball went unpunished.

Willie Thorne: "That's the sort of shot you play down at your local Conservative Club."
Dennis Taylor: "Or Labour Club, or Lib-Dem Club, Willie!"
Election fever grips the commentary team during the Ronnie O'Sullivan-Liang Wenbo match at Snooker's World Championship.

"For the first nine holes I thought I was playing with a square ball."
Sandy Lyle after his second round 86 at The Masters.

"He put youths who hadn't even trained with us before on the bench, along with
me. I was the nanny."
Ex-Rangers player Jerome Rothen claims Walter Smith turned him into the Mary Poppins of the squad.

"They suddenly had a new owner who was supposed to be one of the richest men
in the world and it was 'Oh, we're going to be up there challenging with Man
City'. Then all of a sudden, when he was buying hamburgers off the stall outside,
they thought maybe he wasn't as rich as they first thought."
Harry Redknapp on Sulaiman Al Fahim and the day Portsmouth fans knew they'd had their chips.

"Trust me, we'll have a response at Birmingham. I'd rather be a lion for a day
than a sheep for the rest of the season, for sure."
Hull's football management consultant Iain Dowie dispels the myth that he's a lamb dressed as mutton.

"I don't think they are going to rush out and buy the Financial Times."
Birmingham manager Alex McLeish doubts his players will be bothered by a dispute between club owner Carson Yeung and investment bank Seymour Pierce.

"Next year, I won't bring my watch - in case they steal that as well."
Valencia goalkeeper Cesar after the officials failed to award his side a late penalty as they crashed out of the Europa League to Atlético Madrid.

"I am fresh, I don't feel any pain in my body, I can run. At home I do all the housework by myself. I paint the walls and fit tiles."
Seventy seven-year-old defender Onica Ndzovela insists she will be fit to play for South Africa's 'Grannies' side at this summer's Veterans Cup.

David Pleat: "I know Modric's dentist. And his dentist thinks he's a super, super guy."
Commentator 2: "You can tell a lot about someone from dental records."
Pleat: "Absolutely!"
One of the most bizarre pieces of commentary I've ever heard from the Spurs-Chelsea match!
(R Newton, Notts)
""You've heard my views on Modric, what have you got to say?
"Third-bottom Killie have scored just four times - the lowest in Britain - and failed to win in only two of their 16 games away from Rugby Park."
Spotted on the BBC website. Four goals scored, 14 wins. That's some record!
(Blair Gray, Scotland)

"Cardiff have been given a 5 May deadline to pay their £1.9 tax bill or face being wound-up in the High Court."
From the BBC Gossip column. They really should be able to scrape this from down the back of the sofa!
(Iain Green, England)

"The way that N'Zogbia hit that shot, Fabianski must have thought it was his birthday. Oh, hold on, it is his birthday!"
5 live commentator while watching Wigan v Arsenal.
(Dwayne Leverock, England)

"I expect Manchester to win."
Cristiano Ronaldo's Sky Sports exclusive Manchester derby preview.
(Jonny Smith and Sean Price, Belfast)

Commentator 1: "Almost WWF there, wasn't it?"
Commentator 2: "What's that got to do with the wildlife?"
Commentary during the Liverpool-Benfica game, after there was a tussle in the box. The World Wrestling Federation had to change their name to WWE, following a court battle with the World Wide Fund for Nature.
(CK)

"He'll find himself on Soccer AM next week, that's for sure."
Ashley Williams after Swansea team-mate Shefki Kuqi missed an open goal against Barnsley.

"On this occasion, two halves do make a whole."
Commentary when Spurs' second penalty shout was given against Chelsea. When do two halves NOT make a whole?
(Libby Curran, USA)

"And Bale slides the ball inside Cech,"
John Motson's commentary on Spurs v Chelsea. Sounds painful to me!
(Rich C, Weston-super-Mare)

"Derek Jeter's Derek Jeter for a reason."
ESPN commentator at New York Yankees v Tampa Bay Devil Rays, after a great play by Jeter. Maybe it's because his parents gave him that name!
(Derek Steed)

"The Arsenal defence just parted like the Sea of Galilee".
Mark Lawrenson from a couple of weeks ago, commentating on Irish TV during the Barcelona game. Think it was the Red Sea Moses parted, Mark!
(Darren Bayliss, Ireland)

"They munched on a lamb. I'd have liked us to be lions, but unfortunately we had a bit of mint sauce on ourselves."
Ian Holloway on Blackpool's defeat to Newcastle.
(Anthony Ko, UK)

"How on earth has that happened?"
ITV commentator Peter Drury on Portsmouth's FA cup win over Spurs.
(Gary Sangha, UK)

"Chandelier football."
Ray Hudson, GolTV co-commentator after El Clasico.
(ppppenguin)
Two men who know all about chandeliers
"Mickelson makes his short one, he stays two ahead. Little tip of the hat and that sheepish grin, as if he's a handsome delivery boy who's just caught the eye of a country governess."
From the incomparable Ben Dirs' text commentary of the final round of the Masters. Absolutely masterful.
(Fun_n_Games)

Q: "When you go to bed, do you spread your limbs to form a star?"
Arshavin: "No, I don't. Because I sleep with my wife."
(BennyHillario)

Q. "Hi Andrey! I just wanted to ask, if your daughter decided that her dream was to play professional football, would you encourage/support her in this?"

Arshavin: "I hope it will never happen."
(mightywarrywarry)

Q: "Dear Andrey Arshavin, I want to say that you are the one who revived Russian football! Who of the legendary footballers can you compare yourself with?"
Arshavin: "Andrey Arshavin is one of a kind."
(Belltista)

Q: "I am 25-years-old and I'm still not married. My parents are very upset about this. They say I can end up a spinster. But I don't want to get married yet. What shall I do?"
Arshavin: "I think I can help you. Step 1: You need to find a scruffy, heavy drinker. Step 2: Once you've found him, try to persuade him to "marry" you. I think that for a small amount of money, he will agree to fulfil the role of your fiancé. :)

"Final: Bring this guy home. Tell your parents he'll live with you. :)
I think next time they will think better before forcing their opinion on you."
(simon lobb)

"Que sera sera,
Wherever we'll be, we'll be
We're going to Wem-berlee.
Que sera sera."
Portsmouth fans after seeing their team beat Spurs in the FA Cup semi-final....at Wembley.

"We're not going on a European Tour."
Portsmouth fans again - Pompey have qualified for Europe by reaching the FA Cup final, but are not allowed to play.
(theonlypompeyfaninleeds)

"Adebayor, Adebayor - he scores more than Berbatov, who cost a lot more."

Quickly followed by....

"Adebayor, Adebayor, but when we sign Torres he's out of the door."
Manchester City fans.
(swales_out)

"We'll love Glazer if he signs Messi!"
Green and gold-clad Manchester United fans away at Blackburn.
(Leo Hutchings, England)

"Lee Barnard, Barnard,
He's short but he's (jolly) hard,
He's better than Frank Lampard,
Lee, Barnard, Barnard."
Southampton fans salute their hero.

"Jose Fonte, baby
Jose Fonte, wo-oh-oh-oh!"
Southampton fans again, to the tune of Don't You Want Me by the Human League.
(badsaladman)

"It's just like watching The Bill!"

And...

"Where's your Sun Hill gone?"
Worthing fans in their 2-1 win against Metropolitan Police.
(Brad, Southampton)
It's just like watching The Bill
"Next goal wins, next goal wins, next goal wins!"
Burnley fans to bemused Man City supporters as they trailed 6-0.

"6 nil and you messed it up!"
Straight after Burnley got a consolation.

"This pitch is dangerous!"
Clarets fans try to get the game called off following a monsoon at half-time.
(Matt)

"Offside, offside!"
When a pigeon walked behind the defenders at St Mary's.
(Saint_Anger)

"So, So, So... Sotorious!"
Liverpool fans to defender Kyrgiakos' - to the tune of P Diddy's song 'Notorious'.
(Torresflu)

"Zola, Zola, give us a wave!"
West Ham fans...ignored by their manager Gianfranco Zola.

"Brucie, Brucie give us a wave!"
Shake of the head from Steve Bruce.

"Someone, someone give us a wave!"
West Ham fans get desperate and half the West Stand wave back!
(chrishammer)

"You're not scary any more!"
Yeovil fans to Millwall.
(theyeovilkid)

"You're just a (poor)Aaron Lennon!"
Spurs fans to Theo Walcott.
(Theo, London)

"The badge on the front is bigger than the name on the back."
Held up by Celtic fan at Celtic v Motherwell.
(iainmonty)

"Rossi wins as Stoner crashes out."
From the BBC website. For as long as Casey Stoner is in the sport, the Moto GP page is always going to be worth the occasional giggle.
(AtillaThe Cat)

Please add any quotes, chants, stadium announcements etc to the bottom of this blog - or by using the old-school email postform.

You can also follow me on Twitter

The eruption upon the final whistle at White Hart Lane made events in Iceland look like a school chemistry experiment, as Spurs beat their north London rivals in the league for the first time this century.

'Guns 'N Roses!' screamed The Daily Star, after teenager Danny Rose effectively ended Arsenal's title challenge with a 30-yard stunner, leaving the Spurs faithful in Paradise City, and the visitors asking: "Where do we go? Where do we go now?"

Over at Ewood Park, there was to be no joy at the Rovers for United, but for once there were no sour grapes from Sir Alex Ferguson - although like the 0-0 draw, his post-match glass of red with old buddy Sam Allardyce must have been hard to swallow.

Dimitar Berbatov cut a frustrated figure, leading to claims that he would be surplus to requirements come the summer. The Currant Bun went one step further and splashed a picture of the Bulgarian's shirt across the back page, with his name doctored to read 'Berbatoff'.

Player-of-the-Year-in-waiting Wayne Rooney has been sorely missed and Fergie was quick to rubbish reports that his star striker could be off to Real Madrid, dismissing it as the "silly season" - which pretty much sums up the league this term.

Although at last there is a bit of daylight, leaving Chelsea on the verge of their first title success since the departure of the Special One. The Blues looked anything but champions-elect in a dismal display against Bolton, with Sir Alex's pre-match reverse psychology about the Trotters being an 'easy game' almost paying dividends.

Oh to have been a fly on the wall at Fergie Towers when the referee waved away penalty claims against Didier Drogba and John Terry - the second in particular looking more stonewall than Hadrian's. On second thoughts, any flies unfortunate enough to be in the vicinity of the United manager's television room on Tuesday night would probably have come to a sticky end, along with the television.

Bolton boss Owen Coyle fumed: "I know Drogba is a world-class player but he could play world-class volleyball on that evidence.

"Then there's the second one when John Terry handles it. The assistant referee says it hit his shoulder but it's a clear penalty. He must have a shoulder that stretches down to his ankles in that case."

Martin O'Neill is another manager who won't be signing up to the JT fan club anytime soon, after the Chelsea skipper somehow stayed on the pitch following his clattering challenge on James Milner during the FA Cup semi-final with Aston Villa.

As it is, the Blues are on the verge of a first-ever double, with Portsmouth their unlikely Cup final opponents. With all the plots and sub-plots surrounding bonuses and payment triggers, Pompey could end up fielding David James, the bloke from accounts and a few assorted few dinner ladies (if there are any left) come May 15.

The club are busily trying to overturn their Europa League omission in the wake of their remarkable run - a realisation not lost on the fans, who gleefully sang: "We're not going on a European Tour!"

Although that was eclipsed by the same set of supporters chanting: "Que sera, sera! Whatever will be, will be. We're going to Wem-ber-lee, que sera, sera." That's Portsmouth fans, singing in the FA Cup semi-final...at Wembley.

Redknapp, while magnaminous in defeat, was not so happy about the state of the playing surface, branding it a "disgrace" after Michael Dawson slipped to let in Fred Piquionne for Portsmouth's first goal.

With the Cup final, England-Mexico, a plethora of play-off finals and, er, Green Day yet to come, it's surely not going to be long before the exasperated groundsman utters the immortal line: "Hack my pitch up!"

With the Premier League title all but sewn up and the return of the old boys already confirmed, following their season-long loan to the Championship (well done Newcastle and West Brom), League One is where it's all happening, with any two from five for automatic promotion.

Runaway leaders Norwich have been lurching towards the finishing line like an old drunk, but they surely won't throw it away from here. The Canaries deserve to go up, if only for this banner, spotted at Tranmere: "Glazers Out! We want our scarves back!"

Former runaway leaders Leeds look to finally be over their rather large blip, but my money's on Millwall to snatch second, despite news that the Lions are about to become lionesses.
Altogether..."No-one likes us, we don't care"
Three male fans wore ball gowns to their last home game, promoting prostate cancer awareness, and organisers now want to get 1,000 supporters in drag for an event in June. Good luck with that one.

It would certainly not get off the ground in Argentina, where there was fury in the wake of Diego Maradona's mauling by his pet dog, a tiny Shar Pei. Online forums were bombarded, with one fan fuming: "The world will think Argentine men are little girls. This is not masculine behaviour."

Elsewhere, Schteve McClaren's FC Twente bus was pelted with missiles - not the first time the words stoned and Holland have been spotted in the same sentence. And in Liverpool, the wives of Rooney and Gerrard were spotted at the Grand National.

I had no joy at Aintree, but it did spawn my favourite non-fooball joke of the year: 'A woman has appeared in court accused of having intimate relations under Becher's Brook and The Chair at Saturday's Grand National. She asked for six other fences to be taken into consideration.'

And finally, thanks to all who supported the walk we did from Loftus Road to Selhurst Park, raising money for the QPR Tiger Cubs team for children with Down's syndrome. Incredibly, we pulled in more than £8,000 and were applauded all around the pitch - brought a lump to the throat, I tell you.

Not only that, my team actually won - with the best moment coming at half-time as the Palace girls' team did a lap of honour. As they came past the visiting end, one grinning scallywag lifted her top to reveal a QPR shirt underneath. You go, girl!

Have a good weekend one and all. I'll be watching Neil Warnock resuming relations with the faithful after snubbing their requests to "give us a wave" at Selhurst Park, out of respect for his former club. Warnock promised: "Next time they sing it, I'll give them a big wave." Can't wait.

You can also follow me on Twitter.

"I used to get a letter from a supporter saying I was off my head because I wasn't playing Steve Bruce at centre forward, although in fairness it was probably Brucie writing it himself - or his granny."
Fergie on his former captain, now manager of Sunderland.

Reporter: "Phil...."
Lee Westwood. "I'm Lee. Phil is coming in a minute. He'll be wearing a green jacket."
Westwood clearly thought someone was taking the Mickelson after missing out to the American for the Masters title.

"Are we good enough to reach Wembley? Can I grow a wig and dance in high
heels? Of course we can."
Blackpool boss Ian Holloway backs his side to reach the Championship play-off final.

"It doesn't bother me, good luck to him. He's in good form, he scored a couple
of goals, so what?"
Harry Redknapp after seeing former Tottenham striker Darren Bent score twice in Sunderland's 3-1 win at the Stadium of Light. When at Spurs, Redknapp said of a Bent miss: "My missus could have scored that."

"It was tempting to sit in the home dug-out... when I was getting ready to go out, I thought I'd get pelted with eggs."
The yolk is on Neil Warnock upon his return to Selhurst Park with QPR.

"I've got bags full of it, so it has been getting dished out across the dressing room. The boys have never smelled so good."
Jimmy Bullard's Hull team-mates wash and glow after he gets freebies from making an advert.

"Attempts on goal is like going to a nightclub. Yyou could speak to 50 girls but if you're going home on your own, it's no good, is it? You could only speak to one and go home with her!"
Roy Keane's dating tips and Ipswich's scoring issues!
(James, Ipswich)

"It was extraordinary, there's no other word to describe it. It was embarrassing."
Brian Laws finds words where there are none, following Burnley's drubbing by Man City.
(William Brown, UK)

"First blow to Rangers in this south London derby."
BBC commentator on the match between Crystal Palace (SE25) and QPR (W12) - which apart from being West London, is also north of the river.
(Trevor Trotman, Wolverhampton)

"See, I told you he was overrated!"
Commentator after Lionel Messi mis-controlled the ball against Arsenal... just after netting his fourth goal.
(Nathan Murtagh, Ireland)

"Defoe, Nigel Crouch and Niko Kranjcar could all play against their former club."
FA Cup semi-final preview on BBC.
(Chris Wells, England)

"The game never really got flowing. We just wanted to play and Charlton wanted to play."
Southampton manager Alan Pardew after their 1-0 win over Charlton.
(Haseeb Hamdulay, Kuwait)

Ooooooh, Betsy!!
"Oooooh Betsy!"
Directed by a Walsall fan in perfect Frank Spencer voice to Wycombe's ex-Saddler Kevin Betsy during a dire second half on Saturday.
(Mobey, Walsall)

"I'd ask for a glass of whiskey and a pistol."
RTE broadcaster Eamon Dunphy's response when asked what he'd do if he were a Manchester United director.
(Kieran Macken, Ireland)

"He's like a zombie hunter looking for a twinkie."
Ray Hudson, GolTV co-commentator talking about Xavi's pass for Messi's Goal during El Clasico.
(Gary McGuinness, Wales)

"It looks like he's fighting an octopus, he's wrestling the wheel so much."
Martin Brundle talking about Vitaly Petrov during Malaysian GP qualifying.
(taylortheory)

"He had his back to what was going on behind him."
Super League Sky Sports commentary from Harlequins v St Helens.
(Rooner, England)

Jeff Stelling: "The game at Watford has been delayed - let's see if Chris Kamara has noticed, Chris?"
Chris Kamara: "I made one mistake at Portsmouth, so you send me to Watford!"
Banter on Soccer Saturday after Kamara completely missed a sending-off at Portsmouth the week before.
(Dave P, Macclesfield)

"Paris St Germain's ex-Chelsea midfielder Claude Makelele, 27, will announce his retirement from football this weekend."
From BBC website. Good for him. Retiring after growing 10 years younger.
(Max, Malawi)

"Fulham in a Europa League semi-final...it doesn't get any better than that."
Chris Coleman on ITV4 following coverage of Fulham v Wolfsburg. He
obviously doesn't think getting to the final will be that great!
(Dan Brown, Wirral)

"There is the linesman, Mr Pollock, and it's fair to say he has dropped a couple today."
Guy Mowbray's comment during the rather dull Forest v Cardiff game on the BBC.
(dixienarco)

"It's not affected him. He's a prop. He's only thinking of his next scrum and his next meal."
Northampton coach Dorian West reveals the complex mind of Soane Tonga'uiha since being involved in a transfer dispute with Saracens.
(Stephen F, UK)

Q: "Andrey, was Windows 7 your idea?
Andrey Arshavin: "Unfortunately, no."
From Arshavin's website.
(Tim C, UK)
"Arshavin - legend
Q: "I can run fast. I am a left striker. I run till the end of the field and then what should i do? The other strikers and midfielders don't run as fast as me after reaching there. What should I do?"
Arshavin: "Just keep on running."
Another gem from the Arsenal player.
(Abhijith, India)

"He plays on the left, he plays centre mid, Charlie Adam could play for Madrid!"
Blackpool fans salute their hero at the Scunthorpe game.
(Graeme Hannah, Scotland)

"Exhausts in the morning, you're on exhausts in the morning!"
Fulham fans to Wolfsburg counterparts, regarding the Volkswagen factory that seems to employ two-thirds of the city's population.
(George Hudson, London)

"Benny is a dancer, skipping past defenders, Benayoun is everywhere!"
Liverpool fans against Benfica, to the tune of Snaps's Rhythm Is A Dancer.
(Gavelaa)

"You're gonna be here for years!"
Altrincham fans to Oxford with the score 0-0 and Oxford's faint hopes of automatic promotion from the Conference fading fast.

Oxford immediately score...

"We're gonna be here for years!"
Altrincham fans amend their song.
(James Beagon, UK)

"What's that coming over the hill, is it the taxman, is it the taxman?!"
Swansea fans to Cardiff.
(Chris Kent, Wales)
Typical Germans?
"Football's coming home!"
Bayern Munich fans at Old Trafford after reaching the Champions League semi-final.
(Phoebe, UK)

"You must be bad, we scored a goal!"
Stockport fans at Carrow Road upon equalising against Norwich.
(Harry, UK)

"It's like being in church!"
Derby fans at a very subdued Coventry.
(Gerard Walsh, England)

"We're not singing anymore!"
Sung by Peterborough fans immediately after singing "You're not singing any more to the Leicester fans.
(Nathan Dewar, England)
Eh? Ed.

"Sittingbourne, shish kebab, Sittingbourne, shish kebab!"
Folkestone Invicta fans at the Chatham Town game on Easter Monday. Well random!!
(Chris, UK)

"You're just a small town in Oxford!"
(Small pause)
"You're Welsh, and you know you are!"
Colchester fans obviously not too sure where the Swindon fans had travelled from.
(completeuttermadnessCUFC)

"How do you watch this every week?"
Wolves fans to Stoke's travelling supporters after successive Rory Delap throw-ins.
(The Illusive Man)

"No noise from the Norwich fans!"
Quality chant from the Chelsea fans at Old Trafford, where home supporters have been wearing the green and yellow scarves.
(Yellows)

"Glazers Out! We want our scarves back!"
Banner seen in the Norwich end at Tranmere, along with many yellow and green scarves!
(Sam Robinson, Wirral)

"Testing...testing...Celtic nil, Ross County 2...Testing."
Heard before the Partick Thistle-Dundee match.

"The full-time score from the Scottish Cup was Celtic nil, Ross County two. I'll repeat that for anybody who didn't hear: Celtic nil, FIRST DIVISION Ross County two.
Announced at half-time during Partick Thistle-Dundee (resulting in a chorus of cheers).
(Big Jim, Dundee)

"Welcome to Arsenal v West Bromwich Albion..."
Stadium announcer at the Arsenal-Wolves game.
(Jamie, UK)

Add your quotes at the bottom,or by using the old-school postform You can also follow me on Twitter.

For the first time in six years there will be no representative from Blighty in the Champions League final, as the last of the home guard were done for by that man and Robben.

Arsenal were the first to fall, getting themselves into another fine Messi as the little maestro rounded off the Easter weekend by putting all his eggs in the basket.

Maradona's not the first to take the football-is-a-religion mantra a little too literally. Liverpool fans dubbed Robbie Fowler 'God', while the legendary Brazilian team spawned the slogan: 'Jesus saves, but Pele scores the rebound'.

Then, of course, there was Brian Clough's famous dismissal of route-one football - "If God had wanted us to play football in the clouds he'd have put grass up there." Mind you, anyone who witnessed Messi's majestic header in last year's Champions League final will know he's not bad in the air either. Ooh, some people make you sick.

The little man went up even further in my estimations (I'm sure he's thrilled) when he appeared the day after his heroics wearing a T-shirt emblazoned with the Sex Pistols' iconic God Save The Queen image. Not quite sure what Gooner fanatic Johnny Rotten would have made of that, although the line "There is no future in England's dreaming" neatly crystallised a week to forget for our Champions League hopefuls.

Arsenal were followed out of Europe by Manchester United, stung by a moment of magic from Arjen Robben and a moment of madness from Rafael.

Other referees may have decided against giving the Brazilian his marching orders, and an apoplectic Sir Alex Ferguson went all Stan Boardman on us after the game, accusing the Bayern players of getting Rafael sent off by acting like "typical Germans".

But it was all smiles for Fergie the following day, as his horse, What A Friend, romped home at Aintree. Rumour has it he originally named the nag after Rafa Benitez, but was forced to change one word.

United fans might like the sound of Eric's Charm (ridden by a jockey called Wayne) for the Grand National, while Blackburn, their opponents on Sunday, will surely pile on Big Fella, Thanks. I had a dream a while back that Madison du Berlais took the honours, although given the weight he's carting around, I suspect he could still be running next week.

I also dreamt our resident tipster, Honest Frank, gave me the name of the winning horse in the snow (Snowy Morning) and there was also a red-haired girl involved (Cloudy Lane is trained by Ginger McCain's son) but the name of a horse that would really sum up my chances is Clutching At Straws (I've checked, there isn't one).

One thing I wish I had put a bet on was a Liverpool-Fulham Europa League final. OK, there's still another hurdle for them to clear but suddenly everyone's talking about the competition nobody was interested in.

The old chant "When the ball hits your head and you're sat in Row Z, that's Zamora" is a distant memory as Bobby continues to bang them in for Fulham. He can't do much more to give Fabio Capello a nudge, although you suspect whenever anyone mentions his name to the England manager, he puts his fingers in his ears and sings "ner-ner-ner-ner-ner".

Congratulations to Liverpool too - it always makes life in my house a little more bearable when the other half's team remember that they can play football after all.

Manchester United fans have been mocking their Scouse friends with the chant 'Thursday nights, Channel 5' over the past few weeks but if they haven't done so already I would suggest Liverpool reclaim it, as United did themselves with the 'Who the devil are Man Utd?' ditty.

Fernando Torres again did the business for the Reds and goals aren't the only thing he's hungry for, after claims in The Sun that he wants fellow footballers to join him for a World Cup episode of Come Dine With Me. The striker said: "I've been a fan of cookery shows since I arrived in England in 2007 and Come Dine With Me is by far my favourite."

Torres has put forward Rio Ferdinand, Cesc Fabregas, Jamie Carragher and Stevie G as possible dinner guests. The Guardian asked readers to send in alternative companions for the Spaniard and I quite liked SergeantZim's suggestion: "Torres should invite the Liverpool back four, so they can be introduced to one another."

Nice one, Fernando, now get the tea on
Personally, I'd like to see Dean Gherken, Patrick Berger, Graham Onions, Phil Mustard and our very own Caroline Cheese get involved. They must be able to rustle up something between them.

Actually, what I'd really like to see is Sam Allardyce recreate Monty Python's Mr Creosote sketch, with his old mate Rafa as the waiter supplying the 'waffer thin mint'.

Quote of the week came from Colleen Rooney, who said: "Wayne's a natural with the baby...he doesn't really change the nappies" - eh? But the story of the week involved Burnley midfielder Kevin McDonald, who was subbed at half-time with the Clarets 5-0 down to Man City and left to watch the second half on the telly....in the pub.

The Scot joined his family (and probably half of the disenchanted home supporters) in the nearby Knights of St Columba Club, before later admitting his actions were "naïve" and "disrespectful". Brian Laws said McDonald "took the wrong decision" - although you can bet the beleaguered Burnley boss must have wished he'd have joined him.

And finally, I leave you with some more gems from Andrey Arshavin, featured in the questions and answers section on his website:

Q. Andrey, are you frightened of bears?
A: On the contrary, I like bears.

Q: Andrey, what girls do you like more:
1) Wearing heels and skirts or;
2) Wearing sneakers and jeans?
A: "It's difficult to spoil a good body with clothes."

Q: "Do you use hair gel? If you do, what type do you use?
A: "I don't have a contract with any hair gel producer. I use water before the game. A lot depends on water chemical composition."

So now you know. Have a good weekend one and all. I will be at Loftus Road at 8.45am on Saturday morning, preparing to walk the 12 miles to Crystal Palace to raise money for the QPR Tiger Cubs - a team for children with Down's syndrome that my little girl will be playing for in exactly five years' time (Happy Birthday, sweetheart)!

I recently wrote a blog about it and if you want to help out, be my guest - even Jeremy Paxman has chipped in! While my companions have been involved in intensive training, I have admirably cut down to just a couple of pints and a few fags a day - what could possibly go wrong?

You can follow my progress on the walk and other stuff on Twitter.

"To call him PlayStation, as Mr Wenger did, is a great definition. I don't know what level he'd be at, though - three or even four."
Barcelona coach Pep Guardiola hails the virtual football played by his four-goal wonder kid.

"In a way, as a young player growing up and still learning about the game, it
was a fantastic experience just to watch some world-class players. It was like
someone was holding them with a PS3 controller, controlling them all the time.''
But it was Theo Walcott who started the console comparisons, following the first leg at the Emirates.

"I am going to get drunk tonight."
Gianfranco Zola hits the bottle after his West Ham side showed plenty of it to snatch a point at Everton.
Elvis does his best Hermann Hreidarsson impression
"He is a brilliant man, an unbelievable character. For the Cup final, I took
them out before and we all went to an Italian restaurant. Hermann got on the
karaoke and brought out the best Elvis Presley suit, the white one with the big
shoulders. Hermann's voice is diabolical, but the actions are fantastic.''
Spurs boss Harry Redknapp pays tribute to his former player, Portsmouth defender Hermann Hreidarsson, who recently suffered his own Heartbreak Hotel with a ruptured Achilles.

"I did nothing wrong. I didn't drop my trousers. If anything, I was being affectionate and tasteful!"
QPR boss Neil Warnock after showing his (clothed) backside to Leicester fans who mockingly asked him to give them a wave.

"I'd like to stick two fingers up to the bookies - a finger on both hands - because they tipped us for the drop. But look how well we are doing now."
Blackpool boss Ian Holloway after the 2-0 win over Doncaster kept them on the fringes of a play-off place.

"It's a massive match. If there is a bigger game than a six-pointer, then this will be it."
Plymouth manager Paul Mariner on this weekend's visit to fellow-strugglers Watford.

"It was more a pale ale performance than champagne."
Southampton boss Alan Pardew after the 2-1 win over Leyton Orient.

"There is a general move to level the playing field somewhat, but even if we
all had the same bikes and rode naked, I still think we'd be competitive.''
British Cycling performance director Dave Brailsford insists the GB team cannot be stripped of their talent.

"Today - April Fool's Day - Northampton have announced they have signed a new contract with Soane. "
Saracens chief executive Edward Griffiths continues the war of words with
Northampton over prop Soane Tonga'uhia, who both clubs claim to have signed for next season.

"It's a bit like watching your mother-in-law drive over a cliff in your brand
new car. There are mixed emotions.''
Bradford Bulls coach Steve McNamara after seeing his side surrender a 20-6 lead to draw 20-20 with Super League rivals Leeds at Headingley.

Theo Walcott: "I did 100m in year nine in about 11.5 seconds. It's been a good six or seven years now, so I can potentially do it much, much faster."
(Brief and awkward silence)
Arsene Wenger: "I can do it in 17!"
Walcott and Wenger at a press conference before the Barcelona game.
I, for one, would like to see Wenger do that!
(Etu, Mongolia)
Almunia's saved all these -and more
"Let's be clear, Walcott was not the determining factor, the determining factor was Almunia, who saved 12,000 balls."
Barcelona's Pep Guardiola on the Arsenal keeper's performance during the first leg at teh Emirates.
(Anthony Ko, UK)

"This is the first time he's scored in a game, the little genius."
BBC live text talking about Lionel Messi scoring the fourth goal in Barcelona's win against Arsenal. I thought he scored a hat-trick just before that?!
(Ashley Koya, England)
Aah, that's just our Stevo (president of the Messi supporters' club) getting over-excited and accidentally missing out the word 'four'. Little Lionel can even force an error from the indomitable Stevo - that's how good he is - Ed.

"Wenger is still sweating on Sol Campbell's hamstring."
Quote from the Arsenal website's preview of the Champions League quarter-final second leg. Doesn't conjure up the nicest image!
(Pete, Cardiff)

"We didn't start the game that well."
Sir Alex Ferguson after the first leg of the Bayern game. A goal after 63 seconds and he's not happy with that?!
(Jeff, Australia)

Clive Tyldesley: "Arsenal need something."
Jim Beglin: "They need the ball."
ITV commentators during the Arsenal-Barca game.
(Jay Fenney, UK)

Steve Rider: "You're a bit of an Ibrahimovic fan, aren't you, Edgar?"
Edgar Davids: "No, I'm not a fan - I just think he is a really, really great player, and I like him a lot."
Edgar Davids - clearly not an Ibrahimovic fan.
(Ghaffar Ghoddusi, UK)

"It would be an act of remarkable foolishness if Wayne Rooney turns up in Munich in a few days' time ready to play, just a week after he stretched ankle ligaments to breaking point."
Also foolish, because the game is being played at Old Trafford....Ronnie Whelan's article on Rooney in Monday's Irish Evening Herald.
(amawaster)

"Newcastle are closing in on an immediate return to the Championship, while Peterborough's immediate return to League One could be sealed if they lose against the Magpies."
Peterborough-Newcastle BBC match preview - I thought Newcastle were returning to the Premier League!
(Anto Heey, UK)

"If I lost a £50 note, I'd want (Southend United winger) Francis Laurent alongside me, because he's always got his head down, looking at the ground."
Commentator at Southend v Gillingham.
(bearded_shrimper)

"If you've got any kind of wood, touch it now."
Swindon commentator while Town were 3-0 up against Leeds with minutes to go.
(Matilda, Knaresborough)

"It's not an easy game. They've got Robben, they've got Ribery, they've got Schwarzenegger."
A Manchester United fan on Sky Sports gets slightly carried away with the strength of Bayern Munich's midfield ahead of the Champions League quarter- final.
Jonny Madill, Belfast)
Do you think he meant Schweinsteiger? Ed.
He'll be back - at Old Trafford
"The ball has skidded away off a surface even greasier than Adam Miller's hair."
Gillingham's commentator for the blind, Tom George, at the Gills v MK Dons game.
(Peter, Gillingham)

"I think a success would be to win as many wins as possible and hopefully go on a winning run and win the Scottish Cup."
I think Celtic's interim assistant manager Johan Mjallby wants to win.
(Leo oh oh)

"Well, he's breathing, and got a pulse."
Middlesbrough boss Gordon Strachan when asked on BBC Tees about the qualities new loan signing Jay O'Shea would bring to the side, lamenting Boro's lack of midfielders.
(downingforengland)

"He may be bald, but he has certainly had a hair-raising experience tonight!"
Channel 5 commentator after one of the 'extra' officials saw a firework land on the pitch, inches away from him, during Liverpool's defeat by Benfica.
(George U, Bristol)

samara4ever: "How do you see yourself in 50 years?"
Andrey Arshavin: "78-year-old man, with aching legs and a glamorous walking stick. :)"
Another belter from Andrey on his website.
(Rob Nox)

"I've never seen him here on a Sunday."
Jim Furyk on Tiger Woods' surprise appearance at Augusta. Obviously, Jim has not seen the last 13 Masters, where Tiger has played the final round on the Sunday - including four wins!
(Simon Batty, Ipswich)

"He now has more goals for Everton than syllables in his name."
Commentary when Bilyaletdinov scored his sixth goal of the season against West Ham on Sunday.
(Libby Curran, USA)
Hasn't Bi-ly-a-let-di-nov got six syllables? Ed.

"Goal scored by Alison Desire or whatever his name is."
Dean Windass on Soccer Saturday after Alassane N'Daiye scored for Crystal Palace.
(Graham, England)

"King Kanu, Kanu,
He's older than me and you,
His real age is 62,
King Kanu, Kanu."
Sung at Fratton Park to the 'experienced' Nigerian.
(Daniel Fripp, Ireland)
Kanu reacts to news that his pension will be paid late again
"You're just a bus stop in West Ham!"
Chant by Colchester supporters to Millwall counterparts.
(CompleteuttermadnessCUFC)

"Fergie, Fergie, sign him up!"
Man City fans after Burnley's Steven Fletcher was declared man-of-the-match in their 6-1 beating!
(Chris, England)

"We're going to Portsmouth, you're going to Bournemouth."
Swindon fans to Leeds during the Robins' 3-0 win.
(Fergie, UK)

"We're only here for the weather!"
Reading fans after a dull start with the sun out.
(Hugh Thomas, England)
Not sure which game Hugh meant...Ipswich? Ed.

"Are you West Ham in disguise?"
Sung with gusto by us (Chelsea) to Villa during the 7-1 thrashing.
(Virginia Harrow, England)

"We're gonna win 8-7!"
Villa fans at Chelsea.
(Dani, Beds)

"And that score for you again, Chelsea 7, Villa 1."
I think the St Andrews announcer got that score in five times as the fans left the Birmingham-Arsenal game.

"Would the owner of the BMW estate, registration XXXXXXX, please return to your car as it has started by itself."
Stadium announcer at Northampton v Wasps.
(EssexCrookers)

Add any quotes, chants or stadium announcements you may have heard at the bottom, or by using this email postform.

You can also follow me on Twitter.

"So sorry to every Villa fan after that appalling display. I'm embarrassed to call myself a footballer after that rubbish, sorry."
Villa defender James Collins bleats - sorry, tweets - after the Chelsea hammering.

"We've got the beach ball ready and packed!"
Steve Bruce ahead of Sunderland's trip to Liverpool, where the reverse fixture was decided by the infamous beach ball goal. Sadly Bruce's side forgot to pack a punch.

"I nearly broke my nose, but it's definitely my goal."
Birmingham striker Kevin Phillips after equalising with his hooter against Arsenal.

Question: "I've already written you three letters but they haven't been delivered...Well ... My name is Olga, I'm 13 years old. I go out for football and I'm your biggest fan..... Well, my dad does not allow me to play football but I want to...- Andrey, tell me what to do?"
Andrey Arshavin: "Listen to your Dad."
Arshavin does his bit for sexual equality on his hilarious blog.

"The tracksuit top might be a decent souvenir but I doubt if my reading glasses would be any good to someone else."
Plymouth boss Paul Mariner, who threw his top into the crowd after returning to former club Ipswich, but forgot the glasses were in the pocket.

"There were positive reasons why it was a negative result."
Tony Mowbray fails to talk himself out of trouble after Celtic's embarrassing 4-0 defeat by St Mirren. He was sacked shortly afterwards.

"There was a clause in his contract that he could play a certain amount of
games. If he played one more, we would pay £4m. At the moment Portsmouth
cannot pay £4."
Portsmouth manager Avram Grant on being forced not to play Aruna Dindane to avoid triggering a payment to Lens.

"His movement for his goal was unbelievable, he was at the right place at the
right time. I think he will play until he is 51. That is in two years."
Grant on ancient striker Kanu, who showed there's life in the old dog by scoring the winner against Hull.

"To think about Europe is like having a Fiat Panda and wanting to beat Fernando Alonso's Ferrari."
Real Valladolid coach Onesimo Sanchez has no driving ambition.

"The only thing I am sorry for is doing it in front of the ladies. It did get
taken out of proportion, it was only a roll-around in the bushes. I didn't see
them, then before you know it the manager's got a couple of phone calls, then
it's in the press and some people think I'm Mike Tyson."
Hull midfielder Jimmy Bullard on his tussle with Nick Barmby that gave a watching Women's Institute group more than they bargained for.

"England finally cruised to a 2-0 series win over Bangladesh through the batting of Alastair Cook, who hit a 12th Test century, and Kevin Pietersen."
From the BBC Sport website after England's victory over Bangladesh.
I hadn't realised hitting KP would help ensure victory!
(Jon Price, Wales)

SENT OFF: Walsall, McDonald, Violent Conduct (36)
SENT OFF: Walsall, McDonald, Violent Conduct (39)
During Tuesday night's live vidiprinter....surely he'd have learned after the first one!
(Craig Nicholson, England)
You can take the man out of Liverpool...
"I will stand by my prediction of Liverpool to win the league until it is a mathematical impossibility."
Alan Hansen on Match of the Day. Sorry to break it to you, Alan, but it already is a mathematical impossibility due to United and Chelsea playing on Saturday.
(Matt, England)

"Arsenal have won six consecutive Premier League games... on the trot."
Martin O'Neill. Clearly, if they are consecutive, Martin!
(James T, Belfast)

"The header is across goal and into the corner and Fulham have made the perfect start to the second half."
Commentary at the Hull-Fulham game. Might have been a bit more perfect if it hadn't been Fagan scoring Hull's second goal!
(Libby Curran, USA)

"If your team only scores one goal in the second half, when your team led 7-0 in the first half, you should sack that manager."
Alan Green on 5 live's 606, talking about the Luton Town drubbing. Hate to have him as my team's owner!
(Thomas Armstrong, St Albans)

"It's nil-nil here, between Tottenham and Spurs".
BBC 5 live commentator at White Hart Lane during the FA Cup quarter-final replay with Fulham.
(Ali H.S, Bedford)

"Chelsea currently stand on 65 points, so a win tonight would take them up to 67 points."
Steve Claridge getting his sums wrong on Radio 5 live Sports Extra before the Pompey-Chelsea Game.

"Celtic can still win the Scottish Cup, which would take the gloss off what has been a poor season."
Roddy Forsyth after Celtic's 4-0 drubbing by St Mirren.
(David, UK)

"I like playing the big names."
Elena Baltacha talking about her win over Li Na.
(Ewen, UK)

"The creation of an Englishman, the execution of a big Norwegian."
Commentary after John Carew scored an equaliser during the Aston Villa-Wolves game - showing just how ruthless the end of the season can be.
(Libby Curran, USA)

"Within 15 minutes, it was clear Sneijder needed to be closed down, that Frank Lampard needed to sit on him."
Steven Howard in his column for The Sun. Maybe Chelsea should have marked the Dutchman a bit tighter, but sitting on him seems a little extreme!
(Jack Tappin, England)

"She's literally flying on a cloud!"
Katherine Merry on 5 live talking about Jessica Ennis's current form - handy for the pole vault!
(Stephen Higgs, Wales)

"That's a dreadful tackle. Kevin Thompson comes through the back of Steven Thompson and Craig Thompson has a big decision to make."
Commentator on the Thompson trio in the Rangers v St Mirren Co-operative Insurance Cup final.
(George Quin, England)

"30:36
The ball is crossed by Robert Snodgrass, David Forde makes a save."
"Correction - 30:36
A cross is delivered by Robert Snodgrass, save by David Forde."
From the BBC's text feed of Leeds v Millwall. Pretty sure they're exactly the same!
(Jonny, UK)

"I said if he played well he could have a few days off. He is shooting off to catch a train. I think he is going to France, I can't tell with him. He is a rogue."
QPR boss Neil Warnock on Adel Taarabt.
Adel Taarabt - they seek him here, they seek him there

"They've sent Shah in at three. It's a good move, it'll give him time to play himself in before he explodes."
Harsha Bhogle commentating on the Kolkata Knight Riders against the Mumbai Indians in the IPL.
(Jay Fenney, UK)

"He's headed it, with his well... (thinks about what he is saying) head obviously!"
Paul Merson on Soccer Saturday.
(Jamie Riley)

"I'll give my players their subs back after that."
Ian Holloway, following Blackpool's 5-1 victory over Swansea.
(conradedkins)

Jeff Stelling: "Leroy Lita would love to score against Reading, and he has, but in the wrong goal!"
Dean Windass: "You're wrong, Jeff - it was David Wheater."
Jeff Stelling: "It's Cockney rhyming slang - Leroy Lita, David Wheater!"
Banter on Soccer Saturday.
(wvforest)

"If you compare him to (Stewart) Downing, there's no comparison."
Darren Gough on Talk Sport, talking about Matt Jarvis of Wolves.
(TalesOfThe54Side)

"In many ways the league table reflects where you finish."
Liverpool fan on Sky Sports News.
(monsieurgazerina)

"He's got a head like a beach ball!"
Liverpool fans to Sunderland boss Steve Bruce.

"I've had many a good day here (at Anfield) - today I'll have to take my medicine and go home with my tail between my legs, and I'll try and come back... with a smaller head."
Fortunately Bruce took it on the chin.

"We're gonna win the league!"
Portsmouth fans after going 3-2 up against Hull.
(Daniel Fripp, Ireland)

"Its all gone quiet over there!"

"(Rubbish) ground, no fans!"

"Can you hear the Leeds sing?"

AND

"We're supposed to be at home!"
All sung by Millwall fans to an empty Elland Road after they were kept behind for an hour following the game.
(Rob Perks, UK)
Come and get your programmes!

"There's only one Harry Potter" followed by "Harry, give us a wave..."
Newcastle fans at Doncaster to a programme seller who looked a lot like a certain fictional wizard. He gave a wave and was greeted with loud cheers.
(The Duke)

Arsenal fans: "We've only got one Song" (To Alex Song)
West Ham fans: "I'd rather have a poem than a song!"
At the Emirates.
(Hessler)

"Let's all do the Wenger - la-la-la-la!"
Birmingham fans dance with arms held aloft and gaping mouth after Kevin Phillips' late equaliser against Arsenal.

"Does your burger know you're here?"
Palace fans to Bristol City goalkeeper Dean Gerken.
(Dan Westwood, UK)

"And coming into bat next, take a good look at him because he'll be on his way back after the first ball, Mohammed Kamran!"
Heard over the tannoy at a local indoor cricket tournament over the weekend. He looked like he was going to cry!
(Abhammer)

"And the referee for tonight is, everyone's favourite, Davy Malcom."
Tannoy announcer before Linfield v Glenavon match, to which both sets of fans retaliated with a long set of boos!
(Andrew McCormick, Northern Ireland)

"A message for the owner of a Range Rover registration xxxx xxx. If there's a little person stood next to you shivering, that's because you've left their coat on your bonnet."
Heard shortly before kick-off at Aggborough ahead of Kidderminster v Salisbury.
(Dan Brown, Wirral)

As well as my blogs, you can follow me when I'm out and about at http://twitter.com/chrischarlesBBC