There’s no stress quite like parenting stress - not only are you overwhelmed, exhausted and overburdened, but you also feel guilty for feeling that way when looking after your children is supposed to be one of life’s great joys.
As today’s mums, dads and carers are more aware of the impact their parenting styles have on their child’s development, there is added pressure to make the “right” decisions. And with social media promoting images of so-called perfect family life, along with a range of conflicting advice, it can all get too much.
Dr Katy Hill, a clinical psychologist specialising in parenting stress, shares her recommendations for ensuring you place self-care at the top of your seemingly never ending to-do list.
What are the signs of parenting stress?
Stress causes our body to activate its “flight or flight” response. Modern life can cause us to get stuck there and it starts to affect our physical wellbeing, explains Dr Katy. “Fight” shows up as feeling irritable, tense and constantly rushed, whereas signs of “flight” mode are worrying, scrolling your phone, withdrawing from your children.
Dr Katy says: “Our bodies start to show signs that we’ve been running on high alert for too long - we can start to struggle to sleep well even though we’re exhausted, experience headaches or back pain, notice changes in our appetite.”
What is the impact of a stressed parent on their child?
When you are stuck in the “fight or flight” state, it’s extremely hard to be present and emotionally available for your children - and your kids pick up on your tension. Dr Katy says: “This can create a bit of a cycle where the children become stressed too and start showing their own ‘fight or flight’ responses. For some kids, that looks like acting out or distressed behaviours that challenge the people around them. Others kids might become more anxious and hypervigilant, reading their parent’s mood and trying to please them to keep the peace.
“In both cases, the child is losing out on that warm, playful relationship with their parent and having a calm, safe space they need to feel secure.”
What basic steps can parents take to reduce stress?
Stress in manageable amounts isn’t harmful - we need it to function in our everyday lives, says Dr Katy. But when it becomes overwhelming, both its causes and its solutions are biological, psychological and social. Dr Katy says: “Your body has basic needs to keep ticking over. Prioritise sleep where possible, aim to eat and drink as well as you can and try to move your body in some way every day. It’s also advisable to keep an eye on habits that stress your body further like excessive sugar, caffeine or alcohol.”
Next, look to social solutions - seek out support and human connection. And avoid judging yourself too harshly: “If you’re stressed, I recommend seeing if you can lower the bar for a while, even just temporarily. Think about what tasks you can do less well, delegate to someone else or stop doing altogether. If the house is a little messier, the kids have fewer out of school activities and more ready meals but everyone is breathing easier and enjoying each other more, that’s a win.”
What if you feel like you are going to take their stress out on your children?
Sadly, there is no magic solution that will help you instantly calm down. Instead, Dr Katy recommends “doing absolutely nothing.” She says: “Don’t try to speak, bite your tongue, keep your mouth shut or you’ll say something you regret. Make sure the kids are safe and leave the room."
Dr Katy suggests opening a window and letting fresh, cool air on your face. She says: "Splashing cold water around your eyes and forehead triggers what's known as the mammalian diving response, a reflex that activates the body's natural calming system and slows your heart rate. Give yourself time to calm down, know that it can take 20-60 minutes for adrenaline to clear your system so try to give yourself some space until you’re more regulated.”
If you’ve said something you regret, apologise to your children and give them a simple explanation. Dr Katy suggests working out what caused the stress, which was likely building up over hours or days: “Think about which of your needs were going unmet and see if you can put in a plan to get them met.”
When does stress tip over into burnout?
Burnout is the stage after “fight or flight”, when parents are stuck in a “freeze” response. Dr Katy says: “It’s a really serious condition that has very negative consequences for both parents and their children and unfortunately it’s not that rare - research estimates between 5 and 10% of parents worldwide are in burnout.
“I’d urge parents to speak to their GP if they feel exhaustion that sleep just doesn't touch, or if they find themselves feeling frequently snappy or numb toward their children. We all want a break sometimes, but if you’re frequently fantasising about running away or getting just sick enough to spend a few days in a quiet hospital bed, that’s a major red flag.”
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